Closer: Modern Lily & James AU
by letsdancevance
Summary: It's been four years since James proposed to Lily, she disappeared, and the war for the wizarding world began. When they meet again in an Edinburgh pub, will they pick up where they left off? Inspired by the Chainsmokers song "Closer."
1. Prologue

**Author's Note:** This is a modern Jily AU inspired by the Chainsmokers song "Closer."

A few disclaimers: I'm not British so the phrasing won't be entirely accurate. It's an AU because I'm terrible at remembering cannon timeline stuff so don't expect everything to be Pottermore/books accurate. There is no relation to the original story as far as timing/events go during the "present day" story- the events during the flash backs to their school years at Hogwarts are generally similar to cannon, though.

Ok, I think I covered everything! Thanks for reading

 **Prologue**

"Come on, come on, old thing," Lily Evans urged the puttering, shuddering little car as it sped along M8, probably faster than it had done in its entire existence. "Just a few more kilos."

The yellow junker fortunately obliged and settled back down to continue the journey north. Lily soon discovered, however, that not worrying about her vehicle freed her mind to think about other things. About the acrid smell of smoke still attached to her clothes, which hadn't been changed in two days. About the tiny box of belongings that was all that was left of her parents. About her abandoned trunks at Hogwarts, and her unused wand in the boot. About whomever might be following her. About _him._

 _I won't forget you,_ Lily promised silently. _I'm always yours and always have been._

The countryside turned into the outskirts of Edinburgh. She'd been there once before as a girl to gawk at the castle and wander High Street, and for some reason in those moments of panicked grief and terror outside the remains of her childhood home, those ancient cobblestone streets had beckoned as a refuge. Here on the outskirts, however, it wasn't so quaint and welcoming. The shabby businesses and carparks that she passed didn't look bad, really, but in her current state of mind everything seemed ominous.

Lily checked the rearview mirror for the billionth time, rolling her eyes at herself. _It's not like they would grab their broomsticks and fly along the road._ Nevertheless, she clutched the steering wheel tightly and tried not to think about the looming white masks and the horrifically dead bodies that had been her precious parents.

A tear slipped down her cheek despite her best efforts, and she pressed her lips together determinedly. _This is the right thing to do,_ she reminded herself again. The platitude didn't work, as always, and her breaths came faster and faster. She managed to pull over into a deserted carpark and dropped her head to the steering wheel, her breath coming in strangled chokes. _I can't do this without you, James,_ she thought miserably. _I'm so alone._

That was the second time it happened.

 _Breathe, Lils. Breathe._

She jerked upright with a strangled gasp and stared about her wildly. "James?" She finally ventured in a tentative voice. It was like he was _right there._ The jarring sound of a horn on the road was the only thing that answered her, and she could feel the sobs rising in her chest. _I'm going to lose myself here,_ she panicked. _I'm going to forget him and forget us and forget everything._

Finally, she let herself dissolve into harsh sobs that wracked her tightly-wound body. She cried for her lost parents, the overwhelming guilt, the broken relationship with her sister, the end of her existence in the magical world, the friends she would never see again, and most of all, _him._

An interminable time later, Lily finally cried herself out. The noises of the city began encroaching on her tiny piece of safety and for the first time she really looked at her surroundings. A row of abandoned storefronts met her wary gaze, their black, broken windows yawning frighteningly at her. The single working streetlamp illuminated a few abandoned trolleys, and surely that wasn't…

She reached instinctively for her wand, cursing when she remembered she'd thrown it in the boot in a fit of anger. Fumbling for her keys, her breath once again came in short gasps. A dark shape was making its way toward her, clearly attempting to be stealthy. Lily jammed down on her lock and cursed the age of this car and its lack of automatic locks. She turned the key once, twice, three times; her heart in her throat as it failed to respond. _Shit, shit, shit._

Grabbing her bag, she yanked her lock up and then leapt out of the car, running flat-out toward the blinking neon lights of a 24-hour tattoo shop across the road. Disregarding anything but getting the hell away from whoever _that_ was, she was nearly run-over by a passing motorist before stumbling over the threshold.

Lily doubled over, trying to catch her breath. _God, I need to work out,_ she thought irrationally. Finally, she straightened and was met with the curious gazes of three customers and two tattoo artists.

"Are you… ok?" One of artists, a tiny Middle-Eastern looking woman, finally ventured after an awkward silence.

Lily gave them a thumbs-up and sank into one of the shabby pleather chairs. The buzzing florescent lights matched the cracked tiles and greyish, formerly-white walls speckled with old movie posters. This wasn't a place she'd normally step foot in (except perhaps on a dare from one of the guys, but she couldn't think about that). Yet, the sample art above the middle station was actually quite good. The simple lines and elegant curves of the sketches drew her eye immediately. An outlandish idea occurred to her, one that she would regret many times in the years to come.

Her eyes went to the crooked letters on the price list and she winced. It was more than she could afford; especially without a clue where she was going. Impulsivity had never been a problem for Lily, though.

"I'd like a small one please," she said tentatively, not even sure how to phrase the request. She caught herself wishing for Sirius; he'd know for sure.

The second tattoo artist, a man with a pug-like face and beady eyes, snorted rudely. "Come back when you're 18, girlie."

Lily flushed but dug out her license and held it up defiantly. "Here you are."

He strode toward her and yanked it out of her hand, peering closely as if it was a document containing state secrets. "Looks like everything's in order," he finally grumbled.

"You can come this way." A new voice made Lily break her glare at the pug-man and she looked up to meet a pair of rather nice brown eyes. _Not as nice as James',_ she compared instantly before she could stop herself. The guy was about her age, slouched against the doorway to a room labeled "private." He smiled invitingly and Lily glanced away.

"I'd rather have her do it, if you don't mind." She knew it really shouldn't matter anymore, but James would have a jealous fit if a handsome(ish) man gave her a tattoo. Especially this particular tattoo. Plus, Lily didn't really like any of the artwork except for the drawing above the woman's station.

The lady's eyes crinkled kindly from under dark, bushy eyebrows as she turned briefly from her customer. "Of course, I'm just finishing up. I'll be right with you."

Lily leaned her head against the wall, trying to relax. She closed her eyes to avoid the young guy's curious gaze and before she knew it, drifted to sleep. Some time later she was shaken gently awake by the woman and led over to the chair.

She introduced herself as Padmil Patima and after a quick but probing conversation to make sure that Lily _really_ wanted this tattoo, Padmil asked where she wanted it.

"Right…" she cast about for a moment, her eyes falling on a movie poster featuring a couple in bed. "Here," she decided, fingering the jarring ridges of scarred skin on her left shoulder.

Padmil gave her a long look when Lily pulled her shirt down to reveal the old wound, but didn't press. "Do you know what you want?"

Lily knew. She had known ever since 5th year, if she was completely honest with herself.

 _Breathe, Lils. Breathe._ Once again she heard his voice and briefly closed her eyes against the ache.

"I'd like a stag, please."


	2. Chapter 1: I was Doing Just Fine

_4 Years Later…_

James Potter blinked blearily awake as the sock by his bedside began to glow and make a weird buzzing noise. His door burst open and loud shouts heralded the arrival of his boisterous and obscenely awake mates. The redhead beside him – what was her name, again? – sat straight up in horror and grabbed him round the waist.

"What time is it?" He grumbled, impatiently untangling himself from whats-her-name while patting around blindly for his glasses. Finally, he shook her off and stood up to grab his wand. "Accio glasses."

"1 am, mate. Calm down." Sirius shook his head despairingly. "You are the worst twenty-something ever."

Remus thrust a jumper in James' direction. "Come on."

James jammed it over his head and pulled the rest of his clothes on, glancing briefly at the stunned form on the bed. "Listen, thanks for everything, um…"

"Stephanie, you asshole," she supplied, pulling her own clothes on. "See you never."

Three pairs of surprised eyes watched her as she marched out.

"Well that's not normally how it happens," James mumbled.

Sirius' gaze was still where her ass had been. "Nice."

Rolling his eyes at both of them, Remus stomped to the door. "Moving on! You got the signal, right?"

All traces of humor fell from James' face. "Yeah I did, what's the- "

"The attack was changed to tonight." Sirius interrupted grimly. "Edinburgh, a muggle hotel. We need to go."

 _A Muggle Hotel in Edinburgh_

Lily wound her long red hair up into a ballerina bun on top of her head, cursing the manager for the thousandth time. _Would it kill him to turn the temperature down?_ While nice and professional-looking, her black trousers and low-cut long-sleeved shirt weren't exactly conducive to cooling down, not to mention the long black apron that wrapped around her slim body.

Already crowded on a regular Friday night, the pub that was attached to the Roxburgh Hotel was bursting at the seams on the final night of the World Cup. The UK was playing Portugal and it was not going well for the home-team. One of the pub waitresses was on maternity leave and their wonderful manager had struck again by refusing to hire a temp while she was out. Lily didn't even want to fathom the stacks and stacks of dirty dishes that would be waiting in the kitchen at the end of her shift.

It would be a good night for tips though, she reminded herself with a sigh. God knew she needed it what with her astronomical car payment coming up, not to mention rent and groceries. She was thankful beyond belief that her parents had forced her to maintain an existence in the Muggle world, making her escape from the magic one so much easier. They had taught her how to drive, taken her to get her license, helped her get a bank account, and made her do all those other tiresome tasks that would be so essential to her new life here. She'd really missed them, though, when she struggled with how to find a flat and even how to find a job. Thank god she'd run into that random tattoo shop and met Padmil, otherwise Lily had no clue what she would've done.

"It's mad out there!" Padmil Patima, Lily's best mate and coworker bustled busily around the corner. Little did either of them know that fateful day four years ago that they'd eventually become the closest thing they both had to family. Padmil had recently quit her terrible job at the tattoo shop and Lily got her hired on at the pub until she found a different, less awful tattoo shop to work at.

Lily dropped the mass of her hair and shook it behind her shoulders. "I know! I suppose break is over. I'd hoped it would calm down a bit before I got back out there."

"Not a bit, love," Padmil said sympathetically, her dark eyes kind. Then she brightened a little. "But, there are a few really cute guys out there. If I was into men myself, I'd totally go for it. You should take a look." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Not deigning to respond to yet another of her friend's matchmaking attempts, Lily rolled her eyes. "Hmm. See you in a bit."

It took just a few minutes for Lily to get back into her rhythm, listening, pouring, mixing, serving. It was actually a fairly challenging job when the pub got crazy like this, and the feeling of the crowd and the busyness gave her an energy she could never explain. Of course, she'd become an expert in turning down dates and throwing away phone numbers. Unfortunately, she'd also become a quick study in sizing someone up and determining whether they were a threat.

"Hand me the whisky, darling?" Charlie, the third bartender on tonight, slid past her to grab a glass and she tossed him the bottle. A few in the crowd clapped as he caught it and gave it a few flips before pouring. It was a little routine they'd come up with during a long and boring shift, after which they'd gotten drunk themselves and ended back up in Charlie's apartment. They'd both admitted to it being a mistake and ended up as great friends, jokingly referring to themselves as failed lovers.

The game took another turn for the worse and the crowd became less happy-drunk and more angry-drunk. By that time, Padmil had come back on and the three of them glanced at each other warily as they sensed the change in atmosphere. Drinks were demanded instead of asked for, customers rudely shoved each other aside as they tried to find a spot at the bar, and the crowd only grew larger.

"Keep an eye on Mari," Lily murmured to Charlie, knowing he could see over the crowd and, if needed, perform a quick rescue for their only waitress on the floor. Rowdy men tended to back down when faced with the wall of a man that was Charlie. The manager wouldn't hire a bouncer as they rarely needed one, however the few times they did need one, they _really_ needed one.

Charlie glanced across the room and made a face. "I'll be back. I need a martini for the gentlemen over there and a vodka tonic for his friend."

As she made his drinks along with her own orders, Lily couldn't shake the prickly feeling on the back of her neck. _Why do I feel like I've felt this before?_

She placed Charlie's orders in front of the customers with a distracted smile, turning swiftly back to check someone out at the register. It wasn't until she'd already finished when she suddenly froze. Padmil noticed the blood drain from Lily's face and rushed over, abandoning her orders on the back of the bar.

"Lily? What's-"

"Oh my god. Oh my god."

Padmil followed her as she ran into the back and leaned hard against the wall. Lily grabbed her friend's shoulders, fingers digging in harshly. "Tell me to get my shit together right now."

"Honey you're scaring me, just tell me-"

Abruptly, Lily dropped her hands and placed them on her hips, taking huge breaths with eyes screwed shut. "Breathe, Lils, breathe."

Hearing her panic mantra, or sad mantra, or really any emotion mantra, Padmil's concern only increased. "Lily," she snapped, "get it together and tell me what the hell happened out there."

She was relieved to see her friend's eyes open, the shell-shocked look replaced with determination. "Go back out and look at the left end of the bar. Tell me if there are two men there, both with black hair. One is very fit, the other has a large hook-shaped nose. They're wearing all black. _Don't talk to them,"_ she added fiercely.

Lily waited as Padmil blessedly did what she asked and didn't ask questions. "They're still there. It looks like they're looking for someone. Do you know them?"

 _Death-eaters, here, at my pub. Oh god._ Lily thought longingly of her wand, stolen from the boot of the car that night at the tattoo shop. She glanced wildly at the swinging doors toward the huge crowd of muggles that she wouldn't be able to protect. _There might be more, I need to pull myself together._

"Don't freak out, but those guys are really bad news. I knew them a long time ago and I'm a bit worried that they might attack someone, which I know sounds super weird but please believe me, it's completely true," she begged Padmil. "If they pull out a knobby, short, kind of stick, just get down as fast as you can and run as far as you can."

"Lily, what the-"

"Promise me." She gripped Padmil's hands and willed her to understand how serious this was.

"I promise," Padmil said reluctantly, "but you owe me a full explanation after this!"

They both went back out after Padmil agreed to tell Charlie and Mari only the part about running the hell away from here in case of a fight. Lily glanced to the end of the bar, hoping against hope that she was freaking out for nothing. Sure enough, however, there sat Regulus freaking Black and Severus freaking Snape, drinking like they hadn't a care in the world.

 _4 Years Ago, 2:30pm_

Lily glared at James as he sauntered out of the final exam like he hadn't a care in the world. Twenty minutes later, she put her quill down with a satisfied sigh. Transfiguration had never come easy to her, but she thought she'd done pretty well on the written portion of the exam. Now the practical portion yesterday had been a whole different story, but she was just glad it was over. As she gathered her things and prepared to leave class at Hogwarts for the very last time, tears filled her eyes yet again. Her home for the last seven years was kicking her out, albeit with a lovely celebration.

She was surprised when Professor McGonagall pulled her aside as she came to the front to deliver her scroll.

"Miss Evans, I've just received word from Professor Dumbledore. You're needed in his office."

"Is everything alright?" Lily asked nervously. Those hooded eyes and that agitated, anxious air coming from McGonagall never portended good things.

"It had better come from him," she murmured. "Just go, child."

Lily was totally taken aback when her teacher swooped in for a quick hug. She'd always been one of McGonagall's favorites but that had certainly never happened before. It only made her more nervous and as she climbed the stairs to the headmaster's office after only four password attempts (it was 'chocolate frogs' this time), her mind raced with possibilities. As bad as her imaginings were, she didn't get anywhere near the truth.

Fifteen minutes later Lily Evans descended those same stairs an utterly different person. Still in shock, snippets of Dumbledore's grave voice played through her head.

 _"Muggles targeted…"_

 _"…large fire…"_

 _"… no survivors."_

Numbness spread through her. Her hands and feet felt strangely like rocks, like a world without her beloved parents was impossible to move through. She didn't even know if she'd cried or screamed or… anything, really. _What now?_ Was all she could think. _What now?_

Lily dimly heard someone calling her name over and over again as she walked woodenly through the halls. It didn't register who it was until his face appeared right in front of hers.

"Lily!" Peter, cute, oblivious Peter, took her arm. His round face was slightly anxious and she noticed vaguely that he was sweating an abnormal amount. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"

He took her silence as a cue to continue babbling, apparently, as he went on. "James wanted me to tell you-"

 _James._ She seized onto the thought of him like it was a lifeline.

Peter jumped as she stopped in her tracks and squeezed his arms. "I need James."

He looked toward the castle doors uncertainly. "He told me to keep you up here. It's about time for quidditch warm-up anyways."

Lily's heart sank as she remembered the big quidditch game. Of all the times! She couldn't burden James with this now. Thinking quickly, she made up her mind.

"Peter, I need you to deliver a message for me. Something's happened to my family and I need to go home. Dumbledore's going to take me right now."

Sympathy filled his expression, as well as another thing she couldn't identify. "Oh no, I'm so sorry-"

"Tell James good luck, I'm with him in spirit and I love him," Lily interrupted. She couldn't take his sad eyes just now; she had to keep it together. "Tell him to meet me at the playground by my house after the game. Dumbledore will let him apparate from Hogsmeade."

As she watched his retreating figure, it was all she could do not to run past him down the hill to James. She knew he'd be her strength and keep her going, but right now she needed to be strong and give him this final game. One word about all this and she was fairly sure he'd skip it, although sometimes she wondered if he loved quidditch more than her, Lily reflected with a barely-there smile.

An hour later, as the quidditch game began and as Dumbledore apparated away, all traces of expression were gone from Lily's face. She had assured the headmaster that she'd be fine by herself, that her sister would be here any minute, but she was sorely regretting it. The burned-out smoldering mess that was all that remained of her childhood home wasn't _fine_. The unrecognizable bodies carried out on stretchers by pity-filled healers weren't _fine_. The Dark Mark, proud and stark against the incongruously bright blue sky wasn't _fine_. The team of aurors still searching the remains for evidence wasn't _fine_.

She flinched as a red sports car screeched to a stop outside the still-standing gate. Petunia folded her bony legs out and darted toward her sister while screaming incoherently. Lily held out her hands, halfway between opening for a hug and fending her sister off. The latter became necessary as Petunia began to slap, scratch, and pinch her anywhere available. Lily stood there taking it, numbly listening to her only remaining family demean her in every way possible.

"You killed them, Lily Evans! This is your fault, you freak! You brought this on us!"

Finally Lily could bear no more and she sank to the ground. The aurors, who had been hesitant to get involved, rushed forward.

"You need to leave, ma'am." One of them told Petunia firmly as he restrained her. "This is an active crime scene."

"Those are my parents!"

Time seemed to warp and bend as Lily vaguely noted the aurors modifying Petunia's memory before making her leave, the healers loading her parent's bodies into an unmarked van (they couldn't very well fly the stretcher through the streets, could they?), and the neighbors retreating into their houses as the sun set. Still, she stood there, arms clutching herself tightly, knees locked.

Finally she walked slowly to the park a few blocks away. It was the same park where she'd befriended Severus as a child and the same one where she'd rejected his apologies for the final time last year. Lily lowered herself stiffly onto a swing, grateful for the silence until she heard a noise behind her.

"James," she whispered, beginning to unravel already, before she saw who was standing at the edge of the grass.

His face could only be described as tortured, such was the mix of longing, fear, and conflict there. He hadn't bothered to change out of his wizarding robes and the inky black dress robes, so different than his Hogwarts uniform, looked quite out of place in the muggle playground. She wondered sarcastically if Voldemort required all his followers to wear their Sunday best.

"I know you don't want to see me-" Severus Snape spoke to her for the first time in two months.

"Go away, Sev."

"I need to warn you-"

"Go _away!_ You're a few hours too late." She gestured brokenly to the smoke hovering around the Dark Mark over her house. "This is what you've joined, Sev. This is the choice you've made."

He didn't respond, couldn't even look her in the eye, and this annoyed her more than anything. "Damn it, Sev! He's killed my parents. My _parents_! They didn't have anything to do with this!"

A noise came from the direction of her house, and he began to look panicked. "Lily, go back to Hogwarts immediately. You're in danger."

Lily rolled her eyes. Same old, same old, always worried about her but not about what his deranged friends might be up to. "Sev-"

"I have to go." He stepped forward, reaching out his hand awkwardly and withdrawing it right away as Lily ducked to avoid his touch.

"Just leave me alone."

He tensed as another bang sounded in the distance, looking anxiously between her and the direction of the house. Finally he realized there was nothing he could do and his expression shuttered. "I did what I could," he muttered. As he apparated away Lily was left alone in the cold with nothing but her grief.


	3. Chapter 2: Four Years, No Calls

**Chapter 2**

 _Present Day_

James followed Sirius and Remus into the muggle pub after apparating almost on top of a maroon Range Rover parked haphazardly in the back alley. The pub was a pretty snooty place, attached to a fancy hotel right off High Street. Dark wood paneling with brass fixtures and dim lighting made the place feel a bit out of time. The clientele were mostly business people, it looked like, with a few well-dressed couples having a night out. It was the type of place his parents might go for a quiet drink or three, which was why he was surprised at how loud and restless the place seemed. Maybe it got this way all the time; the two bartenders he saw were certainly handling it with no problem. He scanned the crowd for any familiar faces, glad that he'd thought to wear street clothes. Sirius was wearing his typical leather jacket and Remus blended in seamlessly as well.

"What do you think Pete's doing tonight?" he wondered as they made their way slowly through the crowd.

Sirius snorted derisively. "Who knows. Probably drunk out of his mind on a Friday night. You remember how he was at parties."

Peter had been the fourth member of their infamous group at Hogwarts. The three of them often wondered how a Marauder could just abandon the war and run away to hide. Even Remus, who everyday dealt with the prejudice that came with being a werewolf in the wizarding world, was fighting against the forces that threatened to ruin that world forever.

"It feels weird in here," Remus commented. The other two nodded grimly in agreement, redoubling their efforts to find anyone suspicious.

"Maybe if I act like an ass I can hop on one of the barstools and see from there," James suggested. A fair bit later they finally reached their destination. James began to weave about and protest the game loudly, acting the part. He caught the eye of a Middle-Eastern looking bartender. "Gimme a vod- Nevermind."

Abruptly turning around, James shoved people aside and fought his way through the crowd once again.

"What the fuck?" Sirius asked as he followed him out the door, indignantly straightening his jacket.

"I saw her too," Remus said softly as he watched the waves of emotions pass over James' face. Stunned, elated, angry, and back to stunned.

" _What?"_ demanded Sirius. "Who did you see? Belatrix?"

"I don't- I saw- I can't-" James took a breath before saying the name that he hadn't spoken in the four years since she'd disappeared. " _Lily."_

 _Four Years Ago, 6:30am_

James woke with a grin as he remembered three very important things: 1. Today was their last day at Hogwarts. 2. It was the final quidditch match of the year against Slytherin. And lastly, and most importantly, 3. Today was the day he was going to ask Lily Evans to marry him. Of course, he was always waking up with a grin these days because Lily had finally realized it was stupid to sneak back to the head girl's room every night when she could just stay in his. He ran his fingers through her hair and she snuggled deeper into his right side. A morning person she was not.

"Lils," he whispered, daring to risk her infamous morning temper in honor of their last day at school. "Lils."

She moaned and attempted to burrow deeper into his side. "Noooo."

"I have to get up for practice." He carefully extracted his arm from under her head and kissed the top of it.

"So, get up then," she mumbled grumpily, face in the pillow. "It's what you do every-" Lily's eyes suddenly flew open as she realized what today was and her face melted with emotion. "It's our last day at Hogwarts. Oh my god."

She rolled off the bed and flung herself at James, who was in the midst of pulling a jumper on for the chilly morning. They tumbled toward the wall before he got his balance and held her as she put all her weight on him. It had been such a shock to realize how physically affectionate she was when they had first started dating. Perhaps because it had turned from a strong dislike (on her part) to love so quickly, he had actually flinched the first time she hugged him. James quickly got used to it and despite not growing up in a "huggy" family had wholeheartedly accepted her constant need for physical affection. She was passionate about the people and things she loved, and when that had eventually included him, James wanted to shout it to the rooftops.

"I just can't believe that today's it."

He rested his chin on top of her head and hugged her tighter, already feeling the waterworks coming on. Sure enough, her shoulders began to shake and James held her for a few more minutes before reluctantly pulling away. "I have to go. Breathe, Lils, breathe."

She took in a few shuddering breathes and he watched her literally pull herself together in front of him. Finally, she sighed and gave him a watery smile as James hurried to pull the rest of his clothes on. "Sorry, it's just so sad! Ahh! Ok, go to practice. Good luck, have fun and all that," she ordered with a distracted kiss. "I need to find all my stuff in here…"

Lily was already looking around, mind on the day ahead, and James knew she'd be fine. "Alright. I'll see you later," he said as grabbed her for another kiss. She twisted her hands in his hair as it got a little out of hand before he let her go and she fell back onto the bed. "I love you."

This was his favorite sight in the world; her on his bed, breathless from a kiss or other activities, looking at him like he could rule the world.

"I- I love you too." That was another one of his favorite things, the way he could make her stutter and blush with a good kiss.

He winked at her and strode out, fingers skimming over the velvet box deep in his pocket. It was going to be a good day for James Potter.

 _Present Day…_

The pub still hummed with that strange energy that Lily now knew the source of. As she took orders and tried to avoid looking toward the end of the bar, she scanned the crowd for anyone else she recognized. _Why would death-eaters come to a muggle bar?_ The atmosphere was growing thicker by the minute and she was so tense that she screamed a little when Charlie put his hand on her shoulder as she was pulling glasses from the back room.

"Do you need to leave early?" He glanced toward the swinging doors that led out to the bar. "Do those guys need to leave early?"

Visions of what could happen to Charlie flying through her mind, Lily shook her head violently. " _No._ Just leave them alone and hope they leave."

"Who are they?"

Lily silently cursed herself for making a big deal out of this; Charlie was like a dog with a bone when it came to anything about her past. "Just some guys I used to know. Drop it, ok?"

Her voice was sharper than she had intended, and she immediately felt bad when Charlie's eyes widened. "Wow, touchy subject. Ok then."

They went back to work in a now even more tense silence. Lily's reticence about her past was the only thing they ever fought about. She just… couldn't _think_ about the wizarding world, much less talk about anything having to do with it. Naturally she wouldn't ever break the Statute of Secrecy, but she thought someday she might talk a bit about her friends at Hogwarts. However, four years had passed without a word. There was something about saying things out loud that was too final, too heart-wrenching. Lily had left a large chunk of herself behind when she'd driven the tiny yellow car away that day, and to say it out loud would be to lose it forever.

A tiny sigh escaped her and she rubbed a hand over her face. Of all the nights for Sev and Regulus to show up, they would of course pick a crowded one and leave her much less time to deal with them. As the night wore on, Lily found it harder and harder not to keep looking at them. Surely, they must have recognized her when she served their drinks. They didn't give any indication of such, however, and nursed their drinks while deep in conversation. Sev hadn't changed a bit except for growing taller. Lily shook her head as he kept shoving his long, stringy hair impatiently out of his face. Some things never changed. Regulus, on the other hand, had grown into a carbon copy of his older brother. His muscular frame and handsome face were getting quite a bit attention from the women around them, not that he seemed to notice. Lily made a face as she realized abruptly that he would never be interested in a Muggle woman. As much as she loved and missed the wizarding world, it wasn't pleasant to remember the prejudices and hatred that came with it.

Lily glanced up at the time and rolled her shoulders when she saw that it was still early in the night. It was going to be a long shift, and she needed to stay alert.

God, she was beautiful. James couldn't keep his eyes off Lily as she worked busily behind the bar, green eyes dancing and red hair shining. Four years hadn't dimmed the unique light that was Lily Evans, that was for damn sure.

"Stop staring, it's creepy." Remus said, settling onto a stool at the tall table they'd managed to swipe.

"Oy, excuse me miss." Sirius called the waitress over, eyeing her name tag. "Mari?"

Her businesslike glance didn't change as the statuesque blonde looked them over, something the ladies-man Sirius was completely unused to. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah we'll take some chips and ale. And," he continued, leaning in with his most charming smile, "can you tell us the name of the redhead behind the bar? We think we might be old… coworkers."

Mari's expression completely shut down and she sighed tiredly. "You'll have to ask her that yourself, mate. I'll be back with your food."

They looked at each other speculatively as she stalked away. "Protective, eh?" Sirius observed. "Evans seems to inspire loyalty wherever she goes."

"You know how she was." Remus' voice was quiet as he and Sirius watched James. "Everyone wanted to be friends with Lily."

"Turn around," James hissed as the waitress went right to Lily and pointed back at their table. Luckily she was distracted as another customer called her name and they ducked before she could look in their direction.

The three of them watched her in silence for the next few minutes. Remus wanted to see how James was going to react before he put his two pence in. Sirius was seething on behalf of his best friend, a low growl coming from him as Lily and the male bartender did some kind of cutesy trick and laughed together.

James found himself cursing his luck. Naturally he would run into Lily during a mission for the Order with his best mates in tow. It was one thing to find your ex miserable and unattractive at some horrible job. It was quite another, however, to find this gorgeous woman doing something she was clearly great at and having fun while doing it. He'd never pictured her as a bartender, but with her easy-going personality that just said 'talk to me,' he could see it being a great gig for her.

He groaned and put his head in his hands as Lily flipped her hair and grinned at one of the customers. "Fuuuuuck."

His need for her was like a physical ache that hadn't ever truly gone away. He'd gotten to the point where he didn't think of her too often, just in particularly life-threatening moments on missions or other high-emotion situations. The absolute worst was when she'd pop into his head during sex, making some sardonic and hilarious comment about whatever girl he was with. It had very nearly gotten him kicked out of bed a few times when he couldn't keep the laugh in.

Despite this need, or perhaps because of it, James held onto a lot of anger at Lily. This girl that he'd loved for so long, been so _sure_ of, who he'd actually asked to marry him (although she hadn't been there to see it) had simply disappeared without a word. He'd known she hadn't died; Voldemort would have gleefully taken credit for yet another muggle killing. He certainly took credit for her parents, who James later found out had been horribly – _horribly –_ tortured to death. The fury, longing, and confusion welled up in an overwhelming wave of emotion. He itched to throw something at someone, the most likely candidate being Lily's tall, dark, and handsome co-worker.

Mari chose that moment to come back with the drinks, eyeing the trio doubtfully. "She said she didn't know you gents, sorry."

Remus smiled reassuringly. "No problem, we were probably wrong anyways. Thanks."

Mari turned to go, then hesitated and looked back. "Hey if you really are old mates with her, you should say something. She seems really stressed tonight. Maybe seeing you would help." She bit her lip and hurried off as someone called her name.

"Stressed? Think it has anything to do with why we came here tonight?" Sirius mused.

Now that he'd gotten over the initial shock of seeing her again, James could see it immediately. Her shoulders were tense, her movements not as graceful as he knew she was. What he'd taken for sparkling eyes were actually somewhat manic as they darted from customer to customer. The other two bartenders were tense as well, although not as much as Lily. They kept looking at each other and looking toward her. What had she told them? What had her so worked up?

"James." Remus nodded toward the bar in a silent suggestion.

He slammed back his drink and shot to his feet. It was time to get this over with.


	4. Chapter 3: I Can't Stop

**Chapter 3**

 _Four Years Ago, 2:15pm_

James slammed down the quill for his _final_ final exam and barely kept himself from crowing in victory. Freedom, and his final quidditch match were just around the corner! He couldn't contain his excitement as he placed the scroll in front of Professor McGonagall with a wink and strolled down the row of desks. Lily, still hard at work on her least-favorite subject, caught his eye and rolled her own. He grinned as he felt the small velvet box in his pocket for the billionth time that day. Normally he'd wait for her after class but he had to hurry and set things up for the proposal before the match started. He and the rest of the gang had come up with a brilliant plan involving their final quidditch victory (he refused to think of anything else), fireworks, and loads and loads of flowers.

Marlene met him in the hall, her dark curls bouncing as she practically ran toward him. She and Lily had been best friends since first year, their opposite personalities notwithstanding. Her edginess and Lily's girl-next-door personality somehow fit together perfectly and the two were inseparable. It was Marlene who'd suggested the flower thing and had helped him gather supplies. Today she'd be charming the lilies, roses, and dahlias (Lily liked variety) to race out of the boxes and onto the field to form the big question.

"Did Sirius–"

"The flowers are beneath the stands, Marls." James assured her with a laugh. "I think you're more nervous about this whole thing than I am."

She rolled her eyes. "You can't blame me for making sure that idiot didn't mess anything up. And my name is _Marlene._ "

"Speaking of that idiot," James called with a wave as Sirius joined them on the path to the quidditch pitch.

Looking quite affronted, Sirius straightened his robes. "What a rude thing to say to the guy who just carried _ten boxes_ of bloody flowers to the pitch for you!"

"I don't think your pampered little hands carried a thing, Sirius Black." Marlene cut in condescendingly.

"Oh, Marlene," he smirked. "Someday you may find out that nothing about me is little."

James was surprised to see her normally pale cheeks redden. She'd never reacted to Sirius' flirting before.

"Um– hello, guys? This is only the most important day of my life! Pay attention here!" He reminded the pair, trying not to notice as they avoided each other's eyes. Today was _not the day_ to get involved in some kind of drama.

It took them about an hour to charm all of the flowers, the work finishing quickly once Remus came along to help. Peter was busy distracting Lily. She had a habit of coming down to the pitch on game days before the warm-up started to wish him luck. Normally he loved it, but today she had to come to the game at just the right moment.

Whatever Pete was doing worked very well, as the time came for team warm-ups and she hadn't come down yet. He scanned the hill leading up to the castle one last time before turning to his team, which was assembled in a long line in front of him. The two other seventh-years faced the rest of the team with him. James let Charles and Sam say their farewells first, getting a bit emotional as he looked over the people he'd trained with, fought with, and won with this year.

"Ladies and gents, it's been a good year," James began after Sam finished up. "We all played hard and put our very best onto that field, and our eleven wins show it. I'm honored to have been your captain. We've won the final three years in a row now and I know we'll win it again today. Don't mess it up when I'm gone, eh?"

"We'll miss you next year, mate." Gabe Bastion, one of the best beaters on the team, said.

"Thanks for everything, captain!" Someone else piped up.

As one, the team flew forward and engulfed James in a mass of hugs and well-wishes. He let himself enjoy the farewells but kept an eye on the time. They still had a game to win, after all.

A few minutes later, he extracted himself from a particularly clingy third-year and shouted, "Right, get out the bludgers and start passing!"

Warm-up sped by and before he knew it, they were flying out onto the field amidst screams of "Go Gryffindor!"

Remus gave him a thumbs-up from his place by the flower boxes to let him know that everything was in place. James zoomed around the pitch to Lily's typical spot in the stands to get his customary pre-game kiss. As he got closer he could see Marlene, Peter, Sirius, and the rest of them cheering like mad while waving blinking signs and all sorts of Gryffindor paraphernalia. What he didn't see was his girlfriend. He circled back, scanning the rest of the section but still couldn't find her.

"Where's Lily?" He mouthed to Peter, but he only got an oblivious fist-pump in response.

He jerked his broomstick back toward the field as the game began, mentally assuring himself that she'd be there soon. Lily would never miss the most important game of the year.

 _Present Day_

Lily massaged the back of her neck, trying to get some of the horrible tension out of her body. She soon gave up as she realized that she wasn't only responding to the atmosphere in the bar. Not only were the two death-eaters still there, England was _still_ losing and the patrons were not happy about it. The drinks were flowing faster, the tips were flowing slower, and the demands were getting louder and angrier. Some random assholes in the crowd claiming to be old co-workers of hers didn't help either.

"If that guy calls me his 'mate' one more time, I'm going to kick his ass," Charlie groused as he reached around Lily to grab a stack of napkins from the small stockroom behind the bar.

She gave his arm a sympathetic squeeze. "I know, it seems like everyone's being awful tonight. Don't we both have tomorrow off? Let's go–"

"Lily?" They both turned at the interruption, and it seemed like time slowed down and sped up all at once.

 _He hasn't changed,_ she thought, stunned, eyes raking over his messy black hair, wire-rimmed glasses, and lean frame. No, she decided, there was definitely more muscle under that Puddlemere United tee. She'd forgotten just how _tall_ he was, though. And (of course) stunningly handsome. Lily drank the sight of him in for a few more seconds, wondering if she could just freeze time right here in this moment.

" _James,"_ she whispered, totally at a loss, berating herself for not planning this better on the off-chance that she'd ever see him again. She didn't miss the slight flinch as she said his name, nor the haunted look in his eyes that hadn't been there in their Hogwarts days.

Charlie's hand tightened on her shoulder, jerking her back to the present and reminding her what was at stake. Glancing nervously toward the stockroom door, she clenched her hands. Her chest felt concave as the man she'd never stopped loving stood within reach, and instead of being blissfully happy she was terrified.

A sudden realization hit her. "Oh god, it was you that asked about me wasn't it? Did you–"

"You need to leave, Evans," he interrupted forcefully, an awful iciness she'd never seen directed at her before descending over his face.

Lily winced, knowing she deserved this, yet her fear for his safety refused to let her be cowed. "No James, _you_ need to leave. As I was saying before you interrupted me, Sev and Reg are out there."

He seemed to swell in anger, his face getting the red tinge she recognized so well. He certainly hadn't been this imposing at Hogwarts, however. "Associating with Deatheaters now, are you?"

Her view was partially blocked as Charlie stepped in front of her. "Excuse me, you don't talk to her like that, buddy. How'd you get in here, anyways?"

"No, no!" She put a hand on James' arm as he reached for his wand and they both froze before she snatched it back like she'd been burned.

Eyes darting between her and Charlie, James stepped back, the look on his face somehow even more awful than before. "Fine," he muttered. "Both of you, go."

 _It's been four years,_ she reminded herself as she felt the strong urge to assure him that she and Charlie weren't an item. She shook her head at how pathetic she was.

" _James_ ," Lily pressed her lips together and breathed through her nose. God, he was _still_ infuriating. "You need to listen to me. I don't know what's going on, but _—_ "

"No, you don't know what's going on, do you?" A muscle leapt in his jaw as he jerked his arm away and took a step back. "This is where you've been hiding? All this time?"

Lily knew he was confused, knew he was hurting, but his jab still staggered her. Her concave chest filled with something unbearably suffocating. "I don't, I can't _—_ " she pleaded incoherently.

He looked around derisively and, to her horror, actually laughed in disbelief. "Bartending? While we're… we're dying out there, Lily. How could you do this?"

It was her turn to flinch as he spat out her name like it was the most disgusting thing he'd ever tasted. She fought past the pain to protest, "This is not the time _—_ "

"Emmeline died," he said meanly, bluntly. "And you were here?"

She heard Charlie mutter, "What the fuck?" as the ground fell out from under her. Lily sucked in sharply and felt her composure disappear as her chest filled with impossible pain. "Don't do this to me, James."

He let out a half-breath, shaking his head. "Do what? Interrupt your safe little life? Remind you that you fucking _ran away?_ "

"Emmeline?" was all she could get out as the weight that had hung over her twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week for four long years finally came crashing down. Pain was etched into every line of her body and she hugged herself as Charlie put a protective arm around her.

"Listen mate, I don't know what is going on, but you can't just come and attack her at her workplace. I'm calling the police if you don't leave right now."

"I would like nothing better than to fucking leave, but I fucking can't." His still-furious eyes shifted to Lily. "What does he know?"

She glanced down at the chipped tiles before looking at Charlie apologetically. "Nothing."

"We need to get these Muggles out of here, and then _—_ "

"Wait, these what? And what do I not know?" Charlie interrupted, looking between the two of them. "Are you involved in a gang?"

Great, just what she needed, one of her best friends thinking she was in a gang. That horrible feeling of imminent disaster was getting stronger. Lily gripped his hand desperately, willing him to understand.

"Charlie, I'm not. I promise, I'm not. Just get Padmil and go. I'll be fine, I just need to take care of this."

As Charlie opened his mouth to argue, they were interrupted once again.

"James Potter."

Lily and James tensed and snapped their heads toward the sneering, drawling voice.

"Regulus," James greeted, hand resting casually on his wand.

The younger version of Sirius strode toward them, the same arrogant smirk on his face. "Where's my brother today? It's quite refreshing to see you're not magically attached at the hip."

"Sorry to disappoint, brother dearest." Sirius squeezed into the now-tiny room, hand also on his wand as he smiled with utterly fake sweetness. Lily was disheartened to see that nothing had changed between them since their different Hogwarts houses had set them on very different paths.

Lily took the opportunity to push Charlie toward the door. "Get everyone out of here," she hissed. " _Promise me."_ He looked at the three tense men and nodded reluctantly. Lily let out a breath as he left, one less thing to worry about.

"Good thing I came to see what was taking you so long," Sirius muttered to James as he leaned against the back shelf next to him. He nodded neutrally toward Lily. "Been a while."

"Hey, Sirius," she replied, her voice small. His bad-boy, magazine-worthy hotness hadn't diminished since their school days. His jet-black hair hung just above the collar of a leather jacket and the silver piercing drew attention to lips that had seduced many of the girls in their year, not to mention those above them. There was more of a darkness about him, just as there was about James, a look in his eye that begged for a fight.

"What a nice little reunion," Regulus cut in. "Well done following orders, Lily."

She stiffened as James and Sirius whipped around to face her, matching expressions of disgust and betrayal on their faces. "I would _never,_ " Lily hissed, beyond furious at them for even suspecting she'd be capable of… that.

"Then why?" The hurt in James' voice was so palpable, so raw, that she flinched. "Why'd you leave?"

"You didn't know me _at all_ if you think I'd even _think_ about working with them, James Potter," she fired back, glancing toward the door. "More to the point, is this really important right now?"

James had no time to respond before yet another person crowded into the stockroom.

"What is taking so long, Black?"

This was the moment that Lily had been dreading since she first realized the pair of death-eaters were in her pub. "Severus," she said evenly, looking him in the eye.

His cold, slightly annoyed expression didn't change as he ignored her greeting completely, eyes sweeping impatiently over the group before coming to a stop on James. "Potter," he sneered, "I might have known you'd be here."

Regulus rolled his eyes. "You always were too involved with these blood-traitors, Snape."

"Says the man whose brother is one!" Sirius pointed out incredulously.

Ignoring that, he motioned to the door and continued mockingly, "Ahh, here comes the werewolf. Now the whole gang's here. Two blood-traitors, a werewolf, and a mudblood whore."

Two wands whipped out but it was Lily who swung, intending to wipe the horrible smile right off that smug face.

" _Reducto!_ "

The curse whizzed toward her as Lily dived to the left, but not before James yelled, " _Protego!_ " She straightened up somewhat sheepishly as the spell bounced off the shield.

James put an over-dramatic hand to his heart, smirking down at her. "So little faith in me, Evans. I'm devastated."

Luckily Regulus hadn't attacked again, because just like that Lily was paralyzed with memories and regrets. Four years ago, she'd have teased him right back. Four years ago, they'd have gone back and forth before one of them grew tired of arguing and ended it with a kiss. Four year ago… she'd left him. The smirk slid from his face and as they stared at each other it was all Lily could do not to cry.

"Oh, how cute." Regulus gave one of his strange little giggles. "The blood traitor and the mudblood are having a moment."

This was the last straw, and curses began flying through the air. Lily dodged spells on her way to the door, giving a silent cheer as the fire alarm began blaring. _Good one, Charlie._ She only hoped he'd gotten himself and Padmil out.

Any hopes of containing the incident died a few seconds later as someone in main pub screamed " _attack!"_ and all hell broke loose.

 _4 Years Ago, 7:05pm_

The cold began to seep through Lily's thick sweater and she finally made her way back to the house. She didn't know what to think about James not showing up. He hadn't ever let her down since they'd been dating; not seriously anyway. She knew Pete would have delivered the message as soon as he could after the game. Her steps faltered as she realized that she had more unwanted visitors. She squared her shoulders, breath catching as five death-eaters stalked toward her in an ominous line. Their white, conical masks promised nothing but death and for a brief moment she welcomed it.

 _Breathe Lils, breathe._

Shaking off the macabre thoughts, Lily tightened her grip on her wand. She was proud that her voice didn't waver when she asked, "What do you want?"

One of them broke away and glided ahead of the others, zooming toward her in what she supposed was an effort to unnerve her. It worked, although she hoped they didn't see it.

"Poor little orphan girl," the front one taunted.

"Regulus!" she shouted, fists clenched. "Take off that ridiculous mask and face me!"

He gave a high-pitched giggle and flicked his wand. "Expelliarmus."

"Protego!" Her shield easily fended off the charm.

The looming figures glided closer and surrounded her. Wand raised, Lily bounced on the balls of her feet, shifting left and right as they'd practiced in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Dumbledore had already approached her and James about the Order, but she hadn't imagined that her first battle would be this soon.

"Give it up, Lily." White-hot anger filled her at Regulus' lazy, mocking tone. "You know you can't escape. Your parents certainly didn't."

There was a movement behind Regulus, a flash of dark and a wisp of smoke. Suddenly, Lily was on the ground. She saw the same lawn she was standing on, but the house was untouched. Utterly confused, she looked to the carport as it raised and her parent's station wagon pulled in. The backseat was filled with groceries and they were laughing together. Lily saw the red dress her mother was wearing and before she'd fully processed the sight, she was sprinting across the lawn.

"Mum, dad!"

They ignored her as they leisurely got out of the car and opened the back to gather the paper sacks. She reached out to grab her mom's arm, a sob escaping her as her hand went right through.

"Don't go in there, don't go in," she begged as her parents walked happily toward their deaths.

It was her mum they'd grabbed first, then her dad as he rushed in after hearing his wife's scream. It only took a few death-eaters to hold them down as another one tortured them, calling them names they didn't even understand. Lily had always been careful to keep them out of the more dangerous aspects of the wizarding world, not that it mattered anymore. She sank into a miserable ball, face in her hands. Petunia was right; this was her fault.

"Poor, poor muggles." Lily lifted her tear-stained face and looked into the soulless black eyes of Voldemort.

"You did this!" she rushed at him, only to be hurled back against the sink with a tiny flick of his wand. Sliding to the floor, she closed her eyes and hated herself for being so weak.

" _Look._ " Voldemort did some charm and her body betrayed her as she got up and stood next to her parents' tormentor. Her eyes refused to close or look away, her feet refused to run and she was forced to listen as her parents alternately begged for mercy and screamed for help. It seemed like hours later when the deatheater finally raised his wand and uttered the killing curse. Lily's mind formed a snapshot of the scene to torture her later; the green-filled room, the glassy eyes, the spilled groceries, the paisley-print curtains flapping wildly from the force of the spell. Her head spun and she was suddenly on the lawn again, surrounded now by six looming figures.

She groped the grass blindly looking for her wand, heart sinking as one of the brutes waved it in the air.

"What do you want?" Lily gasped, the pain, both physical and emotional, tearing a gaping hole in her chest. She didn't bother getting up; she knew what was coming.

Voldemort glided closer, black robes mere inches from her upturned face. A cold hand reached out in a disgusting caress. Lily jerked her face back and the sick feeling in her stomach turned from emotion-based to physical. She lurched forward, the remnants of breakfast pouring onto Voldemort's shoes. Lily's gasping breaths were the only sound for a moment, until she purposefully spit the rest onto the only remaining clean spot. Still terrified, she felt marginally braver in the face of this monumental villain with barf all over his shoes. Wiping her face, she got unsteadily to her feet.

The deatheaters shifted and muttered angrily as they waited for their master to unleash them. To Lily's shock, he began to laugh.

"Such spirit, for a mudblood." He snapped toward one of the deatheaters. "Clean my shoes, Black."

"Snap snap, slave," Lily taunted the younger brother of James' best friend as he rushed forward to follow the command. "Good thing Sirius left. He'd never clean shoes for a living."

A snarl was her only answer. Voldemort chuckled. "This amuses me. We might have a spot for a mudblood like you in the new order of things, Lily Evans. Especially if you can get your friend Potter to join as well."

Lily recoiled, his pale face going in and out of focus for a second. "You killed my parents to get me to join you?"

He shook his head. "I killed the muggles because I _wanted to._ You have a certain… spirit that many of my followers lack." Voldemort's pasty white features twisted in sudden impatience. "Enough of this! I have things to attend to elsewhere. What will it be, Lily Evans? Join us, or die?"

Lily blinked, head momentarily filling with white noise. Never in her most horrific imaginings had she ever thought Voldemort would offer her a place in his bloody regime. Cursing her lack of a wand, she finally felt it: the fury that she needed, the pity and disgust that would take her through what were surely her final moments. All of the things she could say at this moment crowded together in her mind.

She decided to go with simple. "Fuck off," she said, her tone careless like he was some minor nuisance. Lily's green eyes never left his black ones as a flash of fury lit his face and he raised his wand, the killing curse already on his lips.


	5. Chapter 4: Backseat of your Rover

**Author's Note:**

Thank you for all of the reviews so far! You all are amazing! I hope you enjoy this chapter. My goal from now on is to update once a week :-)

 **Chapter 4**

 _Present Day…_

Cursing her lack of a wand, Lily ducked behind the bar and tried to decide how to help. Regulus and Severus had run out to join the fray with Remus and Sirius close behind. James had given her strict orders to _stay here_ , but she promptly ignored him. The pub was filling with people in black robes and white masks. It was mass chaos; people, belongings, food, and drinks being thrown through the air. The noise was indescribable as the panicked mass all charged toward the exits, only to be blocked by the Death Eaters pouring in.

Lily blinked in the sudden darkness as someone hit the lights. The flashing emergency lights didn't help her eyes adjust, and the scene felt surreal. A muggle woman fell just in front of her, near the bar side entrance, jarring her to reality. Lily grabbed her arms and pulled her back into the relative safety of the bar. Remus saw what she was doing and put up a quick shield for her as she went back for someone else.

She was able to get a few more people to safety before she was yanked brutally up by her hair. Her elbow went back automatically, getting the attacker in their stomach. She took advantage of his distraction by turning and kneeing him between the legs. As she tried to rip off the horrible mask to get at his eyes, another one came up behind her, bending her arms back painfully. She was thrown to the side and screamed for all she was worth before her head was slammed forward onto the bar. Lily screamed for James before slipping out of consciousness.

James felt his entire being freeze as he heard Lily screaming his name.

"Over there!" Remus called, nodding his head to the left as he dueled with a Death Eater.

James glanced over just in time to see someone smashing Lily's– _his Lily's_ – head to the bar once, twice, three times before her screaming stopped. His vision narrowed and suddenly it was the sole purpose of his life to get across that room. James felt a focus like he never had before as he fired curses to the left and right, making his way slowly but surely through the body-ridden pub. Sirius fought next to him, trying just as hard to get to Lily. She'd been all of theirs, at one time.

The Death Eater who had her was dragging her out into the back alley via the emergency exit. James and Sirius glanced at one another, then fired a stunning curse at him with a simultaneous roar. The black-robed figure ducked left to avoid them, dropping Lily in the process. He realized his mistake and turned, seemingly hesitant to leave her. One look at James' and Sirius' faces made him scramble back, wand aloft. Sirius completely disregarded it and charged forward with a feral growl. He ripped the mask off and took a step back as he realized who it was. Hate-filled eyes glowered at them and Sirius raised his fist again. Before he could bring it smashing down, a curse whizzed past him and Snape was out instantly.

Sirius tossed a frown at James before kicking Snape for good measure, muttering, "That was for Lily, asshole."

James lifted the still-unconscious Lily up and nodded to Remus, who joined them as they retreated into the back alley. "Thanks for the help there Moony," he joked, coaxing an exhausted smile from his friend. "Maybe next time– "

Panicked shouts from the street interrupted him and Sirius raced to the mouth of the alley to see what was happening. "They called in reinforcements," he informed the other two grimly. "Marching down the street like bloody machines, curses going everywhere. They're going to be here any minute."

"We need to go. We'll just get slaughtered in there." James said grimly. Lily stirred in his arms and he carefully set her down as she regained consciousness.

"What– what happened?" She touched her head and winced at the amount of blood on her fingers.

They quickly filled her in and, realizing where she was, she shrugged completely out of James' arms. "We need to go back–"

James immediately replaced his arm around her as she swayed heavily and leaned into him again. She breathed through her nose, obviously trying not to puke. "You can't go anywhere, Lils. You have a head injury."

He knew she was in a lot of pain when she didn't even attempt to argue or comment on his use of her nickname. "Do you have reinforcements coming? We can't leave all those people to their deaths!" Fuck, he'd forgotten how stubborn she was.

James nodded at his mates. "You go back and get a team. We'll wait it out here. She can't side-along with an injury like that–"

" _And_ maybe we can help anyone who escaped the pub," she interrupted forcefully. "I won't just sit here–"

A nearby explosion made them all jump. Remus and Sirius apparated without another word while James steered a resisting Lily deeper into the alley.

"This place is crawling with Death Eaters and you don't have a wand. We need to be smart."

The night burned brighter as more fires were lit along the road. Screams and explosions filled the air.

"You're not wrong," she finally admitted. "There's my Land Rover; we can hide in there until they leave."

James raised his eyebrows as they neared the shiny maroon, nearly-new vehicle they'd almost damaged on their way to the pub.

"Gryffindor forever, huh Lils? Also, I didn't know being a bartender paid so well."

"Of all the fucking times to rib me about my spending habits–" she started in on him, before seeing the humorous glint in his eyes. She rolled her own. "Do you still have your cloak?"

James whipped out said cloak before trying unsuccessfully to open the door.

"Shit, my keys," Lily hissed. "They're in the back room. And my mobile! I need to call Charlie and Padmil."

James let out a resigned breath and disappeared with a swish of the invisibility cloak. "Hide behind the car. What am I looking for?"

The edges of her lips tipped slightly. "You'll know it when you see it, Potter. It's on the shelf directly by the door."

James took advantage of his invisibility and grinned, wondering if she had that horribly ugly bag his mother gave her for her birthday one year. He reached out and tugged a lock of hair that had fallen from her messy bun. She hadn't ever worn her hair like that at Hogwarts; he kind of liked it.

She swatted the air. "James! You know I hate it when you do that."

And just like that, reality came crashing back. They weren't dating. They didn't even know each other. He snatched his hand away. "I shouldn't be long. I think the pub's cleared out."

He watched her swallow, presumably registering the sudden stiffness in his voice. "Right. I'll just go back here."

James made sure she was fully hidden before making his way back to the gaping back door of the pub. Stepping inside, he glanced around and spotted the paisley monstrosity immediately. If not pleasing to the eye, it was certainly high quality. James blatantly ignored the tightening in his chest at the thought of her keeping his mother's well-intentioned present, and turned to go. A noise behind him made him freeze.

"You forgot to put on your glamour tonight, Severus." Regulus' cruel, knowing voice cut through the air. "Was there any particular reason?"

A loud bang sounded, a chair being thrown to the side maybe, and James crept toward the bar. _It's for intelligence,_ he assured himself. Certainly not because they were surely talking about Lily.

"Don't test me, Black," Snape hissed in response.

"After months of watching this pub for any signs of the blood traitors, and being so careful, you _forget_ to do it on the day we attack?"

A muscle ticked in James' jaw at the thought of Snivellus creepily watching Lily for so long. Did they think she was still in contact with the Order? If she was to be believed, she didn't know a thing. But why attack this pub– her pub– out of all the ones in Edinburgh? It seemed like too much of a coincidence.

"Are you still in love with the mudblood?" His obnoxious giggle made James wince silently. "You saw her with Potter. They were practically shagging in front of us."

Snape actually snarled and started toward Black before the front door of the pub slammed open. "Gentlemen, is everything finished here?"

James hardly dared breathe as Lucius Malfoy's haughty voice filled the room. _If only Remus and Sirius were here._

"Just finishing now Sir," Regulus said respectfully to his fellow pureblood. "No sign of the bodies."

"Good. This won't be difficult to spin. I thought Dumbledore would be a worthier opponent for the Dark Lord. Our hints at the mudblood's location were clearly received."

James' head jerked back. Dumbledore had known he was sending them to Lily's pub? What in the actual fuck? And why was Malfoy glad they weren't dead?

Unfortunately, the group of Death Eaters said no more as they strode out of the pub. James knew the Order would prefer that he follow them, but the thought of Lily crouched behind her car made him grab her bag and retrace his steps into the back alley.

The empty space behind her car made him growl in frustration. Dammit, he should have known. He looked to the mouth of alley and sure enough, there she was behind a trashcan.

"Lily," he murmured in her ear after he crept closer, thinking sardonically that he was fighting Snivellus for the 'best creeper in Lily's life' award.

She jumped about a foot in the air and turned furious eyes completely the wrong direction. "Fuck, Potter."

He pulled Lily under the cloak with him, her body stiff. "I don't remember it being this big," she commented, looking past his ear.

"I don't remember you cursing so much."

She frowned, obviously wondering where in the world that comment came from. He was wondering that himself, actually. It's not that he cared about her cursing, it was just that it was wildly out of character for the Lily Evans he knew.

"I'm not a fucking schoolgirl anymore, Potter," she said, probably just to annoy him. "Things change."

 _Clearly_. He made a noncommittal noise and told himself it wasn't just to get a rise out of her. "Anyways, I charmed the cloak on a mission. It's come in handy a few times."

The reminder of the Order seemed to sober her, and she nodded toward the car. "Let's go then."

As he shut the Rover door firmly behind them, the chaos outside subsided. Lily laid down across the backseat nursing her head injury while he crouched in the front, keeping a look-out for Death Eaters. He could see them crossing the mouth of the alley, line after line of dark robes and white masks. When a column suddenly veered-off toward them, James jumped into the backseat and pushed Lily none-too-gently into the very back. He scrambled in next to her and flung the invisibility cloak over the both of them.

As they lay there awkwardly, bodies contorted, trying not breathe, staring at the ceiling, James moved his arm slightly so she could put her head on it. She did so after a brief hesitation, and he realized that this is how they used to sleep, her on the right and him on the left. He glanced over at her, wondering what she was thinking about all of this, and saw her eyes shut against the pain. His eyes fell to her black shirt, which had slipped off her left shoulder. He quickly glanced away, only for his gaze to be drawn back like a magnet as he realized that she'd gotten a tattoo over her old burns. Curious, he gently nudged the collar down the rest of the way and he felt her sigh against him.

"James…" Her eyes fluttered open as she realized what he saw.

His finger ghosted over the elegant lines of a stag's head and antlers, artfully blended with her scarred skin. "Is this…"

"Always you, James." Her tired, pained whisper took a load off him that he hadn't realize had been there for four long years. The marching outside the car finally ceased some time later as the Death Eaters moved on, and he realized that Lily had fallen asleep. He didn't think he could ever sleep this close to her after this long, but he quickly proved himself totally wrong and gave into his exhaustion.

 _Five years ago, September_

Lily hugged her mother goodbye on platform 9 3/4 and then turned to hug her dad, bumping her floating trunk out of the way. Petunia stood off to the side, arms crossed and scowling at any of the freaks who dared meet her eyes.

"Be careful," Jemima Evans admonished her youngest daughter as she reached out and squeezed her hand.

"And don't forget to have fun." Eyes twinkling, Harold Evans engulfed Lily in one of his famous bear hugs, the kind she sorely missed anytime she needed a good hug during the school year.

Lily ignored her mother making big eyes at her and Petunia, clearly hinting at something. What, she wondered, a miraculous reunion? _Not_ likely. "Bye Tuney," she said unenthusiastically, taking pity on her mum.

She tried not to wince as her sister didn't bat an eye.

The train whistled, and students began breaking away from their families to board. Lily threw one last smile and a quick "I love you" to her parents before turning toward the train. Her view was suddenly blocked by a wall of black robes and her neck tightened as she realized who it was. _This already_?

She turned back to her parents with a forced smile and watched them go, not wanting to expose them to this side of her life in the magical world. The sucky one. As they disappeared back through the bricks Lily swung round to find Mulciber, Avery, and Regulus staring down at her much like someone might stare at a particularly juicy cockroach on the bottom of their shoe. This was _so_ not what she wanted to deal with as she began her final year at Hogwarts.

"I think you made a wrong turn somewhere, mudblood." Avery was the talking head of the Slytherin trio. Lily had mentally awarded him the "most likely to say something stupid that would get him or someone else killed" prize.

"Right," she glanced around like she'd forgotten something before smiling brightly and snapping her fingers. "I know! I did make a wrong turn. Can you direct me to the car with decent human beings on it?"

Avery pulled is wand out while Mulciber turned an unbecoming shade of red and took a step toward her. Lily unconsciously shifted back; if Avery was the talking head, Mulciber was the bloody fist.

"People of your ilk don't belong at Hogwarts, Evans," Regulus hissed, eyes lit with pureblood fervor.

"Her ilk?" Sirius joined the conversation with a wolfish grin. "You _are_ turning into mother, Reg."

Lily's shoulders relaxed slightly. If it was only Sirius she could quickly contain the situation. Her hopeful thoughts were halted when three curious faces appeared behind him. Oh no.

"What's going on here, fam?" James piped up first, jovially invading Lily's personal bubble. She registered with some surprise that he was dressed in muggle clothes. Jeans and Potter were a lethal combination to a girl's hormones, and she glanced quickly away.

The odds now five against three, Avery put his wand away but blustered on nonetheless. "We were just telling Evans here about the Pureblood Registration Act. I'm sure your father told you about it."

James tilted his head and looked sympathetic. "Avery, didn't know you had an interest in the law. You do know you have to be smart to get into the Ministry, don't you?"

Uneasily noting the deflection, Lily wondered what the Pureblood Registration Act was all about. Conditions in the wizarding world had steadily declined for muggle-born students like her since she'd arrived at Hogwarts. Her first year, she'd only gotten occasional sideways glances and muttered comments. Still overwhelmed by the wonder and thrill of entering the wizarding world, she hadn't even noticed, really. The first time someone called her a mudblood had been during second year. She'd had to ask Severus, of all people, what it meant, and had wondered why he avoided her eyes as he explained. Third and fourth years were filled with news of "conservatives" filling key positions in the Ministry. Lily only knew this because the changing political tide suddenly made it ok to be rude to people like her. She'd been so ecstatic when it was finally her year to go to Hogsmeade, only to find "no muggle-born" signs posted in some of the shops. Out of protest, she stopped going entirely.

It was during a prefect patrol in fifth year when Lily was first physically attacked. They hadn't instituted buddy patrols at that point, and it had been a few hours before James and Sirius had randomly found her body-bound in a tiny broom closet in the dungeons. She hadn't even seen her attacker. Other muggle-born students were attacked as well, and Hogwarts enrollment began to decline as muggle parents feared for their children's safety. Things only got worse in sixth year. It seemed as if Voldemort was recruiting younger and younger, and it wasn't only the Slytherins with anti-muggle sentiments. When a tiny, first-year Ravenclaw refused to believe that a _mudblood_ could be a _prefect_ , Lily genuinely considered leaving Hogwarts.

Luckily Marlene had talked her right out of it, but she began to look for ways to fight back. This year, she was determined to make a difference in a tangible way. Which, she realized with no small amount of annoyance, probably began with not engaging Slytherins in useless fights.

"Listen, as Head Girl I can't condone students insulting other students," she said with an apologetic glance at James, briefly registering the suddenly blank look on his face. "But Avery, muggle-borns belong here just as much as you do and I won't tolerate you saying otherwise. Now everyone go before I deduct points before the year has even started."

Avery's face twisted with disgust. "Dumbledore choosing a mudblood as head girl only proves that he's no longer fit to lead Hogwarts. I'll be writing my parents about this."

"And you've only proven that you're no longer fit to– "

"We need to get onboard," Lily interrupted James' insult, trying to be diplomatic. "The train's leaving."

The final whistle fortunately chose that moment to go off, and their huddle quickly dissipated with dirty looks given all around. Lily stayed behind to herd a few reluctant first-years on the train and look around to make sure no one was left behind. Satisfied to see this section of the platform deserted, she turned toward the train. Busy charming her trunk, Lily heard a noise and looked up in time to see Regulus casting a spell her way as he stepped onboard.

Caught completely off-guard, Lily could only yell in fury as her upper body toppled forward, shoes stuck to the ground. She started to yank her feet out of her shoes only to get hit with another curse. Her legs snapped together and she awkwardly righted herself in an effort to avoid doing downward dog on the platform.

She could see the heads of other students, some watching curiously, as she whipped out her wand and began shouting counter–curses that might free her legs. The stickfast and leg-locker hexes weren't harmful per say, just freaking annoying.

And so her year as Head Girl began with the entire Hogwarts student body watching from the train windows as she tried and failed to free herself from the platform. Lily Evans rarely cursed, but felt it was appropriate just then.

The end of the train chugged toward her, it hadn't quite picked up speed yet, and she could see the heads of her friends sticking out the windows. They always arranged to meet in the last train; it was closest to the thestral carriages and ensured they'd get to the castle the fastest. They called her name, voice panicked, and she pointed emphatically toward her feet. "I'm stuck!"

She dashed away tears of fury and embarrassment, wondering how she'd manage to fail so early in the term. Just as the last train car passed, the door opened and someone jumped out, landing with an awkward roll. _Potter,_ she realized with an odd thrill.

"Do you know any un-sticking spells?" she called.

He rolled around in mock pain for a moment, lanky limbs flailing about, before climbing to his feet. "Wow, give me a moment after that heroic move, will you?"

"This is the last thing I need," she lamented, staring after the rapidly disappearing train. "Well?"

"I don't know any, but I know who does." He pulled out what looked like a shard of glass and to her surprise, Sirius' face appeared. It was screwed up in concentration and what sounded like moans of pain were coming from somewhere beyond him.

"What are you–"

"Did you get it?" James cut her off with a look.

Sirius told them the counter-curse and the shard went blank. James carefully replaced it in his cloak and Lily couldn't help but laugh.

"You desperately need a mobile."

He rolled his eyes. "I hardly think this is the time to foist newfangled muggle inventions on me, Lily."

"I'm just saying, it would be useful. And something tells me you'd love Candy Crush."

He freed her quickly, uncharacteristically quiet. All she could do was look up at him as he stepped unconscionably near. Her throat closed. _Was he this attractive last year?_

"Potter? Why'd you come back for me?"

James stared at her a moment longer before breaking out in a huge grin. "It would be rather unsporting of the head boy to leave the head girl behind, wouldn't it?"


	6. Chapter 5: Pull Me Closer

**Chapter 5**

 _Present Day_

Lily's eyes flew open in an uncharacteristically sudden journey to complete alertness only a few hours after she'd gone to sleep. She and James had shifted during the night, she realized, as she felt his hard chest under her cheek, his legs tangled with her own. She indulged in a few precious moments of selfish pretending, that the last four years hadn't happened, that she'd stayed at Hogwarts, that he was still hers. A tear slipped down her cheek and she automatically rubbed her face on his chest before freezing as he cleared his throat.

"As nice as this is," he said slightly awkwardly, "we should check to see if they're gone."

Her cheeks lit up and she quickly rolled as far away as possible. "Right. Um, let's see…" she kept ahold of the invisibility cloak as she raised her head to get a look out the window. "Looks clear but it's the middle of the night and we don't know who they left behind. Honestly it's probably better if we wait until morning."

James pulled himself to a sitting position beside her and Lily bit her lip, scooting to put more space between them.

"Scared of me, Evans?"

She froze as he caught her in the act. "I– no." Once again, her cheeks lit up at she belatedly realized he was teasing her. Only James could make her blush ten times in a minute, she thought angrily.

"How did you know they were there last night?" she snapped, her good mood completely gone. "Have you been watching me?"

"Maybe you'd know the answer to that if you'd been fighting with us instead of fucking hiding." James' temper had never taken long to rise to the occasion, and he didn't disappoint now.

"James–"

"And no, we haven't been watching you. No one knew you were still alive until we walked into that pub last night." He leaned toward her and it seemed as if the words were ripped out him. "Why did you leave?"

She shook her head, not knowing where to start. "Why didn't you meet me that night?"

"I couldn't meet you after the exam because I was planning something and didn't–"

"No, at the park." The devastation and fear from that day crept into her voice, and she shuddered. "I needed you."

Something worked behind his eyes as he stared down at her. "You disappeared, Lily. No one knew where you went, all we did know was that your family had been killed. And McGonagall didn't tell us until after the game."

Things weren't adding up here. Frowning, she thought through that afternoon.

"Dumbledore called me to his office and told me what happened. That was right after the transfiguration exam. I saw Peter on the way down to Hogsmeade to apparate back, and I told him to tell you what was happening."

The dumbfounded look on James' face would have been comical in any other situation. "He didn't say anything."

They sat in silence, both digesting the utterly senseless behavior of their former friend. James slammed his fist into the side of the car, and Lily jumped.

"Why the fuck would he go the whole game without saying anything? I would've–" he swallowed, the pain and regret on his face terrible to witness. "I would've been there. Fuck the game. Your parents–"

Lily shut out the devastation and sympathy on his face out of necessity. She couldn't break down now, couldn't let that wave of grief always lurking right beneath the surface rise up and wash her away. Not now, not ever.

"I apparated to your house right after the game. It was… midnight, maybe." James was talking slowly, figuring out things for himself. "You were just gone. Your car, your house, it was all just gone."

"I had to go to Diagon Alley, withdraw money from Gringotts. I was halfway to London by then," she whispered.

"But why? Why didn't you come back? You just abandoned everything. Your- your trunks, your stuff, your books." _Me,_ was the unspoken addition.

Lily suppressed a sob as she prepared to tell him half of the truth. To lie.

"Death Eaters showed up after Dumbledore left." She kept her voice as even as possible, the images of that horrific day floating through her mind. "I don't know if you were told exactly what happened to them–"

Her voice broke and he nodded, that muscle in his jaw twitching.

"I was shown what happened. What they did to them."

Her head bowed under the weight of the years, the guilt, the grief, the shame, the loss.

"What I did to them," she added viciously.

He was already reaching for her. "Lily–"

She pushed him away. "You wanted to hear this, James. Let me get through it."

Reluctantly, he sat back, arms still slightly out as if to catch her at any minute.

"You know, he fucking offered me a position. A job! From the man who killed my family." Her laugh was hysterical, she knew, but she couldn't bring herself to care. "I refused, obviously. With rather choice language, I might add."

It was then that she felt his anger like a physical thing, filling her Rover to capacity, making it impossible to breathe.

"You what?"

His tone was casual, flippant even, but she knew. She knew him. Still, she didn't soften the blow at all.

"I told him to fuck off. For killing my parents. For turning the world that I loved so much into a shitty, shitty place."

"Fuck!" He picked up the nearest object, one of her black Louboutins probably, she thought randomly, and threw it toward the front of the car. "You can't _say_ things like that, Lily!"

"I fucking well can, Potter! I'm not a saint! If they push, I have to push back!"

"Not if a 'push' means me finding your fucking body somewhere!"

They were both breathing heavily, faces almost touching as they stared at each other. It was then that her body responded; to his concern, his fury on her behalf. His unbearably strong feelings for her after all these years. Four years and a million misunderstandings between them went up in smoke when she learned forward and their lips crashed together. Her body did the explaining for her; that she was _alive,_ despite everything.

It was more violent, more raw than anything that had happened between them at Hogwarts. Clothes were literally torn off and flung all over her Rover, their bodies tangled and twisted in a passionate race to see who could get their hands on more of the other person. When he entered her it was as if she was welcoming him home. She'd had a few sexual encounters in the past four years but James… no one compared.

As they lay wrapped in each other's arms, now breathing heavily in an entirely different way, Lily once again let herself pretend. She felt James stiffen and start to speak, but before he could do anything she held a finger to his mouth. "Can we just—?"

His body relaxed in a silent acquiescence and Lily snuggled closer to the one person that was everything she wanted, but everything she couldn't have.

She was almost asleep when she heard his barely-there whisper.

"You never answered my question, Lils."

She let out a bone-weary sigh, exhausted from keeping up the attitude, the pretense required that stopped her from spilling it all and saying, fuck the consequences.

"I saw you win the game, James."

Her whisper had him start to sit up, but she pulled him down again. To face him and tell him this… an impossibility.

"It was the same, waking nightmare type-thing as when I saw my parents. You were magnificent- amazing. And on your victory lap, rocketing toward me to give me a kiss…" she pressed her face into his chest, needing to _feel_ him breathing. "Your broom exploded."

This time he ignored her protests and sat straight up, horror and confusion written on his face.

"That didn't–"

"You were right above the Gryffindor section," she interrupted, the scene playing in her mind as clear as day. "They all died. I saw their bodies laid out on the quidditch pitch; Marlene, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Emmeline, Frank, Alice. Yours wasn't even–"

A tear dripped down her cheek and she barely managed to whisper the word. "Recoverable."

James took her face in his hands, forehead resting on her own. "That didn't happen, Lily. Look at me. Breathe. I'm right here."

"I know it didn't," she replied, her eyes closed. "That was the deal."

She already hated herself for not telling him the truth. The whole, terrible truth. But he couldn't know about the Prophecy, not yet.

"Regulus suggested it, actually. He was… he was there. Told Voldemort that they might need me for later. I'm not sure what he meant," she lied. "Avery argued, of course, the fucker. He said mudblood-lovers deserve a Muggle death, hence the explosives."

James' face turned to granite. "I'll kill them both."

"No, you don't understand," she explained, not liking the dark promise in his eyes. "Voldemort was about to kill me. Regulus saved my life."

"The one fucking good thing he's ever done in his whole miserable life," James muttered, pulling her back into his arms and laying down.

They laid in silence, contemplating the past. The present. The future, at least Lily hoped so.

"So you left…"

"To save you. To save our friends. Because what fucking good is a war when there's no one to fight for?"

After what seemed like hours of silence, James felt Lily's body relax as she fell asleep. He still couldn't quite believe he was here, holding her, touching her. Fucking her. His mind immediately rejected the phrase but he refused to think anything else. Regret was already settling in, the doubts in his head rushing back to the forefront. She _left._ Without a word, without any kind of message to the friends who would have had her back no matter what. His mind still, after four damn years, couldn't process the enormity of her betrayal. Sure, she'd had an explanation. But even with that fucking vision, Lily had known they were entering a war. Of _course_ they'd threaten everyone. His mind raced with the possibilities of what she could have done differently, of what he could have done. Of what he was going to do to fucking Peter Pettigrew, the literal rat.

His eyes drifted over her peaceful face, lingering on her too-kissable lips before dipping lower to the ink on her scarred shoulder. _His_ ink, he thought proudly, despite everything. It was an elegant line-drawing of a stag standing at attention, front leg lifted. The artist had done a good job of getting just enough detail without making it look messy. The lines blended and merged with the ridges of her scars, turning the old wound into a work of art. It suited Lily. He could barely make out the faint bite marks he had made around it. James closed his eyes briefly. He'd had many – _many –_ women over the past four years, but only Lily made him want to claim her in such a visceral, visible way. At least he'd been right, he thought humorlessly. Years passing wouldn't make a dent in his attraction to her. The anger and betrayal rose up in his chest and this time he was too tired to think rationally and overcome it – or think irrationally and totally ignore it. His face grew cold as he eased her out of his arms and climbed into the front seat. It was time to gain some distance before she left him again.

 _4 years ago, 11:31pm_

The roar of the crowd was deafening as the Gryffindor seeker caught the snitch, ending the brutal game 200-150. James had grudging respect for the Slytherin team for making their final victory well-earned, even if the Gryffindor beater had a dislocated shoulder and both of the other chasers had bandages around their heads. His own left side had taken a powerful hit, and he knew Lily would be all over it. He always pretended to be annoyed that she was so concerned about his injuries, but secretly James loved the attention.

After the hand-shakes with the sulking Slytherin team, they did a final team huddle, James yelling the details of the victory party that night. Duty over with, he searched for his friends. For her. _It was time._

Sirius and Remus were the first to get to him, both tackling him to the ground. "That was brilliant! What a fucking great catch!" Sirius yelled.

"Best Gryffindor captain ever, right here, in case anyone wants to know!" Remus thrust James' right hand in the air.

Peter gave him a high-five and joined in their victory dance as their other friends made their way over. There was Marlene, Alice, Frank, Emmeline… but where was Lily?

"Peter, where's Lily?"

His friend gave him a blank stare. "She's not here?"

"Marlene? Do you know?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell everyone," she snapped. "I can't find her. I've looked all over the stands, thinking she might just be sitting with someone else. But she's gone."

Everyone's eyes went to Peter. "What did you do to keep her off the field before practice?" James questioned slowly.

His head seemed to sink back into his neck a bit, like a turtle, and he blanched. "I just told her not to come down until the game starts!"

James looked around for a moment, frantically thinking of other people she might sit with. "Professor!"

McGonagall turned their way, a strange look on her face. "Potter–"

"Have you seen Lily?"

She looked sharply at the castle before putting a steadying hand on his shoulder. "She's already left, James. You haven't been told? Get to the headmaster's office immediately."

His entire body stilled as the stupid fucking flowers began to zoom from their boxes under the stands. The other students cheered, assuming it was some kind of victory message, before the words fully formed. James could only stand, frozen, as what was supposed to be one of the best moments of his life turned into the worst. Lilies, roses, and dahlias swirled around him, forming an isolating cone of misery and humiliation. It was supposed to be his nod to her desire for privacy, that they would be alone together in a stadium full of people as he popped the question. James ripped the gold chain that held her ring off his neck. The enormous diamond ring, a Muggle tradition he didn't entirely understand, glinted mockingly in the palm of his hand, asking the question that had been haunting him their entire relationship. _Did you really think you, James Fleamont Potter, deserved Lily Evans?_

The swirl of flowers ended as they floated to their destination above him. MARRY ME, EVANS?

Sirius and Remus were the first to reach him as James dropped to his knees. The stands were quieter now as people realized that something was off. Hushed whispers swirled like poisonous smoke, threatening to choke the life out of him. _She's already left._

Emmeline was the one break him out of his horrified daze.

"JAMES POTTER! WAKE-UP!"

He jerked back to earth. The group was standing in a well-meaning circle of support. Sirius was muttering furiously about "talking some sense into her" while Remus paced, brow furrowed. Alice and Frank were hand in hand as per usual, staring at him with pity. Peter stared off into the distance, looking for her, James supposed.

"She probably just got scared, James," Marlene began gently, annoying him immediately. "You know how she is with PDA."

Remus clapped him on the shoulder. "Maybe she had a really unfortunate bout of motivation to…" he looked to the others for some help, only to be left hanging. "Wrap-up head-girl duties, or… something."

"Shut up, Mooney," glared Sirius, clearly trying to be tactful.

It was Sirius being, well, serious for once that finally gave James his voice.

"McGonagall said something happened with her family, that she's already left."

His revelation was met with horrified looks, then a chorus of voices. Knowing he couldn't answer any of their questions, James turned on his heel, determined to get some answers. Marlene suddenly darted in front of him.

"We'll find her," she assured him, gripping his arms. "We'll find her."

The stunned group hurried off the field toward the castle, gorgeous petals raining around them like so much ash. It was all James could taste: devastation, humiliation, confusion. Ash. What his life would turn into without Lily.

He broke into a flat-out sprint. He _would_ find her. He had to.

 _Present Day…_

She felt his absence as soon as she awoke. The sun was filtering weakly through the tall rooftops around them, barely bright enough to illuminate the inside of the Rover. Faint snoring came from the front seat. Lily pulled the cloak tighter around her, wondering how a garment that made one invisible also kept one so warm. She knew what it meant; James sleeping in the front seat instead of staying with her. He had never been hard to read. Lily supposed it was better that he was the one pulling away instead of her. She'd hoped that with her half-explanation… but it was too good to be true. She knew that.

"James," Lily whispered. She hated to wake him up but knew they needed to get out of here.

Still asleep, his face relaxed into a smile. "Lils," he mumbled. "S'not time–"

She was about to shake him awake when they both jumped at the obnoxious pounding on the passenger-side window.

"Shit," James muttered, clutching his head where it had hit the roof. "What the actual–"

"Oh James." The utter horror in Lily's voice failed to prepare him for the Daily Prophet that was thrust against the window. _Traitorous Trio Attack Muggle Pub,_ the headline screamed above a snapshot of the chaos that was the night before. Muggles ran in all directions and the only wizards in sight were Remus and Sirius, looking particularly murderous as they fought off unseen adversaries.

 _Known werewolf Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, a rogue member of the respectable pureblood Black family, were seen with suspected criminal and muggle–born Lily Evans inciting a riot and mass confusion in a muggle pub on Friday night. Many muggles were too confused to escape the tragedy, including the pub's waitress Mari Denigold. We interviewed…_

It was all she had time to read before James ripped the door open and stumbled out of the Rover. "What the bloody fuck are they doing?" He yelled wildly, giving the poor vehicle another sound smack. "I knew, _knew_ the Prophet was compromised but this is just–"

Lily pulled on a spare white sweater that had been long discarded on the floor of her car. She took a minute to collect herself in the backseat while James had his meltdown. _Not Mari._ Realizing she'd simply lose it if she thought too hard about her friend, her thoughts turned to the rest of the article. It'd been such a shock to see her name splashed across the Daily Prophet when just yesterday she thought she'd never be part of the magical world again. She'd long dreamed about returning, but hadn't ever imagined herself coming back as a… what had the article called her? "Suspected criminal." Thrusting that horrible thought aside, she focused on the rest of it. _How dare they call Remus a bloodthirsty werewolf!_ _And Sirius is better than the rest of his family combined! "Respectable pureblood family" indeed,_ she sneered inwardly.

When she emerged from the Rover, James was still ranting and raving while Sirius and Remus hovered pensively. She watched the guys interact for a minute, trying to puzzle out what had shifted between them since their Hogwarts days. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but there was a major dynamic shift in there somewhere. Lily was pulled from her thoughts as James smacked the Rover again.

"James, enough." Her voice was enough to break him from whatever spell he was in and he took a deep breath.

He scrubbed his face wearily and Lily caught a glimpse of how utterly exhausted he was, how much the war had taken a toll. "So this is the cover story. The Ministry must be just feeding them lies."

"Except that I am a werewolf," Remus pointed out. "And for all we know, Lily could be a criminal."

There was a short silence as the three of them regarded her silently. The little openness she'd seen last night was completely gone from James' eyes. His expression was as blank as Remus', who'd always been the best at hiding his emotions. Sirius– the most expressive of the group– eyed her distrustfully.

Lily pushed down the sob that rose in her throat at their utter lack of faith in her. "This is rubbish," she said briskly, willing away the tears and neatly removing the paper from Remus' hands before tearing it into small pieces. "I'm no criminal. I'm a bartender." _Rip._ She was gratified to see that her disappointed look at James made him glance away.

"You might be a werewolf, Remus, but you've never hurt anyone purposefully and you aren't starting now." _Rip._ He also looked away, no doubt remembering all of the late nights she'd spent tending his wounds and telling him that his condition didn't change the good person he was.

"And you, Sirius." He tensed as she looked his way. Lily made her face as inscrutable as possible before breaking out into a grin. "How they could ever say your family is 'respectable' when most of them are bat-shit crazy, I have no idea." The paper was now well and truly shredded and with a final rip, Lily tossed the rest in a nearby bin.

It was Remus who laughed first, snorting into his fist. Sirius glanced at James, whose nostrils flared suddenly and soon their laughter filled the quiet alleyway. Lily wiped a tear from her eye as the four of them quieted down. They were nowhere near forgiving her completely, but she hoped very much this was a start.


	7. Chapter 6: Tell Your Friends

_5 Years Ago…_

Lily fumed as she marched through the halls. Her Converse sneakers ate up each stone paver almost as furiously as her thoughts flew through her mind. She hadn't even _wanted_ to take Divination for a second year, but Marlene had convinced her it'd be an easy class. Little did they know that practically all of the 6th year Slytherins would take it, along with a few choice Gryffindors. Lily's hands shook as she felt the tight, painful skin on her shoulder where Avery had "accidentally" spilled a burning potion. Of course Professor Glendorf had immediately taken the pureblood's side, asking anxiously if he was ok and dismissing Lily quickly to the hospital wing. She hadn't expected much from Severus after their fight this year, but it hurt more than she wanted to admit when he hadn't even looked her way. _This is my favorite set of robes, too,_ she thought miserably. _I can't send back for more money. Mum and Dad are stressed enough._

"Evans!" Someone shouted from the corridor from which she'd just emerged.

She assumed it was James, who had immediately jumped up to do who-knows-what to Avery as soon as Lily had screamed. His seeming obsession with humiliating her had come to a complete and utter halt this year. No horribly creative date proposals, no obnoxious (and extremely public) flattery, no pestering her friends to help his hopeless cause. Just the occasional flirty smile and otherwise normal behavior... Until she'd seen the look on his face when Avery "tripped." Well, he'd made it almost half the year, she thought.

"James–" Lily began wearily, only to stop as she saw Sirius rounding the corner at a jog. "Oh, hello."

He slowed to a walk beside her, looking unusually grim. Despite living in the same House and having many mutual friends- not to mention all the times she'd caught their group doing crazy pranks- she hadn't spent a lot of time with him. His friendship, or brotherhood, really, with James precluded any close friendship, although he did give her a new nickname every time they spoke. She was surprised to see him looking anything besides his normal dashing, flirty self.

"Evans." He nodded at her and they continued in silence.

She glanced curiously at him a few times before finally asking tentatively, "Sirius? Did you need something?"

The grim look was wiped clean off his face as he smirked down at her, eyes flicking to her raw shoulder. "Is it against the rules to walk the halls now, Prefect?"

"My name is Lily in case you've forgotten," she reminded him with an eyeroll. "And I'm perfectly capable of getting to the hospital wing on my own, thank you. He got my shoulder, not my legs."

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. "As if James would ever let me forget your name, Lilyflower."

She opened her mouth to snap back about yet another one of his ridiculous nicknames when they turned the turned the corner to see Regulus Black leaning against the wall under a portrait of three knights. He casually flipped his wand as he looked between his brother and Lily.

Both Gryffindors whipped their wands out, Lily a bit slower than usual as her shoulder continued to burn. Regulus pushed off the wall and strode toward them with what she couldn't help but think of as an evil smile. _Not all Slytherins are horrible,_ she reprimanded herself. The tension was almost visible as they got closer, no one saying a word.

She was about to breathe a sigh of relief as Regulus came abreast of them without showing any signs of trouble, when he suddenly stumbled and rammed directly into her injured shoulder. Lily couldn't help the feral scream of pain that came from her mouth. Her wand clattered to the floor and she fell heavily into Sirius, who hauled her against his side and out of his brother's path with an angry roar.

"No, don't!" He ignored her cry and fired hex after hex at Regulus, shouting insults as the younger boy turned tail and ran down the hall. Sirius looked from their attacker to Lilly, clearly torn. She acted a little extra pathetic so he wouldn't give chase, not that it was that hard. Whatever that potion had been, it was terribly effective.

"Damn it!"

Lily flinched as Sirius slammed his free hand against the wall, causing all three knights in the portrait above to run away with a clatter. He breathed heavily in what she assumed was an attempt to get his anger in check.

"Sirius." She put her hand on his arm uncertainly, uncomfortable at witnessing his loss of control.

He bowed his head, his shaggy ink–black hair obscuring his face. "I'm sorry, Evans." She could barely hear the muttered apology.

Lily looked at him for a moment before she steeled herself against the pain and bent to grab her fallen wand. Sirius quickly scooped it up and handed it to her as they started moving again. Each new bend and doorway seemed much more ominous now. Chills, either from the deepening burn or her growing fear, rippled across Lily's shoulders.

"It's not your fault, you know," she said through her chattering teeth. "It's been going on since first year, they've just gotten b–bolder since the Death Eater raids."

If anything, Sirius looked more furious. "He should know better. Just because our family is shit doesn't mean he has to be."

"Just keep being a g-good example for him."

He snorted. "Me, a role model. Good one, Evans."

Her hands were shaking so badly now that she could barely hold on to her wand. Sirius noticed her trying unsuccessfully to stick it in her pocket and grabbed it, swearing. He put his arm around her waist and supported her shaking body.

"Shit, Evans. What did you to them?"

Her lips twisted and her eyes closed briefly. "Marlene and I may have charmed a few rats in the dungeons to hang about the Slytherin entrance."

"And by a few you mean…"

"Two-hundred."

Sirius almost dropped her in astonishment. "What the– what!" he sputtered. "Prefects don't pull pranks!"

Lily looked at him pointedly. "Oh, so there are only three Mauraders, then?"

"Fine. _Lily Evans_ doesn't pull pranks. I can see Marlene doing it, but– ahh." His face lit in understanding.

Her back stiffened. "No, it wasn't Marlene's idea. It was mine." Why she felt like she had to prove her prank chops to _Sirius Black_ of all people, she had no idea.

"Uh huh sure, Lillyflower." He gave her a thoughtful look. "Well, at least this proves you're not one of them."

Lily blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Well what we were supposed to think?" Sirius defended.

"That I'm a decent human being," she shot back. "Just because I _was_ friends with Severus–"

Sirius threw up a hand. "Exactly! And don't think I haven't missed you talking to Regulus."

"Because I'm trying to convince him to stop listening to those bloody idiots, you idiot!"

That shut him up for a moment, but not for long.

"Lot of good it's doing you," he muttered with a pointed look at her shoulder.

"That was low." Her reproachful look made him glance away. "I'm a Muggle-born, Sirius. I have no status in the wizarding world outside of these walls. Yelling about how unfair that is isn't going to get me anywhere."

"But neither is associating with future Death Eaters," he pointed out.

She sighed wearily. "How else can I plant seeds of doubt? Part of me hopes that if they come to accept me, eventually, they might see that Muggles aren't beneath them."

They slowly ascended a thankfully-stationary staircase, the figures in the portraits murmuring unhappily at the sight of Lily's wound.

"That's… naïve," Sirius finally said. "And too bloody fucking noble for my taste. But I'm glad you're not one of the sell-outs."

Lily cocked her head. "The what?"

"You know, the muggle-born who are supporting him, hoping they'll get some kind of deal when he takes over."

Her face suffused with disgust, then resignation. "I hate it, but I get it. It's such a privilege to be in this world… people would do a lot to stay here. I get that. I knew about the separatists, but not any Muggle-born who fully supported him. The more you know, I guess."

"The more you know," he agreed.

They were almost to the hospital wing, finally. Lily considered the few Muggle-born that were left at the school, she thought they numbered in the dozens now, and wondered who might be a secret Voldemort supporter. The separatists, she understood. They were a group that advocated for the complete separation of Muggle-born and purebloods in wizarding society. It was a bold proposal that would tear many families apart, but some saw it as the only way forward. In fact, they were now trying to get a law that would ban marriages between Muggle-born and purebloods. But to completely sell-out other Muggle-borns to get some kind of lowly position in the wizarding world? She understood on some level, but hoped she never did completely.

When they entered the room full of neatly-made cots, Madame Pomfrey took one look at her shoulder and ordered her to lie down immediately. Sirius stood by the bed, shifting uneasily as the healer poured potion after potion onto the wound, not even bothering to separate the robes from the charred skin.

"Can't you give her anything for the pain?"

Lily tried to loosen her grip on his hand a bit as she heard his wince. Yeah, he had suspected her of being a Voldemort supporter, but he was a hand to hold onto at the moment. She felt the blood draining from her face as tears filled it, but she refused to make a sound.

Madame Pomfrey glanced at Sirius as she ran back to her supply cabinet to grab another potion, brows furrowed. "Get Professor Slughorn. Quickly."

"What's happening?" Alarm filled Sirius' voice and Lily tried her best to look less pained. She glanced anxiously at the healer.

"Just go!"

Sirius jumped at Madame Pomfrey's yell and gingerly withdrew his hand from Lily's grip. "I'll get James to come," he assured her.

"Thanks… wait, what?" Her shoulder burned as she jerked up, completely confused.

Her only answer was a devilish wink as he rushed out the door.

"Sirius!" James accosted him as he tried to speed by the classroom door, grabbing him by the arms.

Sirius yanked free and kept running down the hall, calling "I have to get Slughorn!" over his shoulder.

James paused for a minute, taken aback, and quickly caught up with him. Speed had never been Sirius' strong suit, hence his obsession with Muggle vehicles. "What's going on?"

"Pomfrey can't fix whatever the hell Avery poured on her."

"The fuck?" James' snarl finally made Sirius stop.

"Oh, I'm already coming up with something," he assured, a deadly look in his eye. "Go."

James spun on his heel and made it up to the Hospital Wing in record time, bursting in only to hear an awful moan of pain. Lily was sitting up on the cot, head in her hands. Her left shoulder was bare and the skin looked like she'd been horribly flayed with a whip. _I'm going to kill him. I'm actually going to kill him._

"Lily…" his voice trailed off as he hovered helplessly, all the fake bravado that he normally used with her completely escaping him.

"What are you doing here?"

He couldn't fully focus on her words, gaze drawn magnetically to her blistering shoulder. What _was_ he doing here? He should get Marlene, or Emmeline. He'd barely spoken to her this year, much less developed enough of a relationship for him to be here at this moment.

His "pursuit" of her during their third and fourth years had mostly been a joke. Although he really did have a crush, James knew he didn't have a chance with the kind of girl who befriended the nobodies. The only thing that really got him angry was her "friendship" with Snivellus. The greasy-haired git had no business spreading his weirdness and poison around Lily Evans.

Ironically, the confrontation that had finally proven that Snape was just another future Death Eater, that he cared more about Voldemort than about his only real friend, had also been the confrontation that had made James finally give up on Lily. When she had refused to see reason, and had been angry at him and the guys instead of the person calling her a mudblood, it had been the last straw. They'd even speculated that she was a sell-out, or a separatist at the very least. Why else would she give the time of day to Slytherins known to support Voldemort? Now, staring at her burning flesh, James was forced to reconsider his position.

"Hey, my eyes are up here, buddy."

The tiniest smile lit her face and James instantly became determined to fan that spark into a flame. It wasn't hard to reach for the outrageous flirtation he thought he'd left behind. Sliding onto the cot next to her, he gave her a massive wink.

"Oh, your eyes are only one of the your many charms, Evans. It's really your knees that I'm obsessed with."

Her smile deepened, and he felt like he'd just single-handedly won a quidditch match.

"My knees? These robes must really suck for you, then."

"Oh, they are the bane of my existence," he assured her, not entirely lying.

Pomfrey rounded the corner with a businesslike scowl. "Normally I'd say no visitors, but Ms. Evans will need a distraction as Professor Slughorn does his work."

Lily face filled with pain once again as she took in the normally-unruffle-able healer before her eyes darted to the door.

James cleared his throat obnoxiously. "Anyways, back to our discussion of your _charms_."

A corner of her mouth tipped down, amusement gone. "James, you don't have to–"

"I don't have to what?" He lifted one of her clenched fists. "Talk about how much I love your…"

He made sure the pause was long and dramatic, making Lily glance worriedly over to Madame Pomfrey in anticipation of his next words.

"Knuckles," he said salaciously, flaring his eyes and everything.

A reluctant laugh escaped her. "Really? Potter, do you want me for my joints?"

"I live for your joints, Lily Evans. Don't get me started on your elbows…" He carefully moved his hands up her arm so he didn't jostle her shoulder, gently holding her soft elbow in his hands. Elbows are really weird, he thought randomly. When he began to give the joint a miniscule massage, she burst out laughing. Unable to hold back any longer, so did he. And for just a moment, they were simply friends laughing at each other, complications be damned.

"Wow," she finally commented, eyes twinkling. "It's good to know my joints have a one-man fan club."

"L.J.F. for life, what what," he deadpanned.

"Oh my god."

She leaned into him – _she leaned into him_ – and rested her head on his shoulder. "Thanks, James."

He swallowed his response (he was planning to move on to her ankles next) as Slughorn scurried into the room, wiping his sweating forehead. The potions professor immediately began pouring various potions on the wound, pulling beakers out of who-knows-where. James winced as they hissed and bubbled, but it was already looking better. His shoulders finally relaxed as Slughorn stepped back with a satisfied nod.

"That should do it. Keep her here for a few hours to make sure it's healing correctly, Madame Pomfrey, but she should be back to snuff by this afternoon." He turned to Lily.

"Ms. Evans, if you didn't want to come to the club get-together, you should have just said so."

James rolled his eyes. The Slug Club was Slughorn's cozy little group of hand-picked students that, according to him, had the potential or the connections to become "great." Both he and Sirius had been asked, of course, and immediately turned it down. They found it much more interesting to find devious ways to prank the group – especially certain Slytherin members – than to join it.

He tensed as Lily's smile froze on her face. _That little shit._

"You're going to have one less club member after today, Professor."

Slughorn leaned back, bemused, as James spat the words. "How's that, Potter?"

"Avery," Lily supplied quietly. "He poured this on me in Divination today."

Shock and disbelief filled Slughorn's genial face. "Surely not! Surely there's some explanation–"

And with that, James was done. Did she face this all the time, he wondered? This blatant disregard of the _literally_ bloody evidence staring them in the face?

He released her hand and jumped to his feet, hands tearing through his hair. "With all due respect, are you fucking serious right now, Professor?"

His best friend chose that moment to shamble in, looking extremely indignant. "Oy! Although I have many, many skills in that department, I think phantom shagging is beyond even me… Although I am quite flattered, Sluggy."

Madame Pomfrey looked apoplectic while Slughorn's face turned a shade of very unbecoming green.

"Sirius!" Lily hissed.

"What?" He winked, totally unrepentant, before his eyes flickered to James, and then toward the door.

James straightened. "I'll be back when you get out of Pomfrey prison, Evans. Keep those joints looking pretty for me."

She clearly hadn't missed a thing when her eyes narrowed, gaze moving between him and Sirius. "What are you doing?"

Sirius grinned like he transfigured into a wolf, not a dog. "Hunting rats, of course."

"Black, Potter!" Pomfrey yelled uselessly after them as they sped out of the room. Revenge may be best served cold, but James preferred it hot. Boiling hot.

 _Present Day…_

Lily stretched and yawned, deciding she had no business giving speeches about loyalty this early in the damn morning. Also, sleeping in her car… not something she would repeat, amazing sex nonetheless.

"As many questions as I have for you, Lilyflower," Sirius began, glancing toward the street, "It's much too early for someone of my delicate constitution to be out and about."

James sobered quickly and nodded. "We need to get to my flat in London–"

"Excuse me?" She saw Remus and Sirius look over nervously at her silky sweet tone.

James, of course, continued to talk over her as if he hadn't heard, ramping up her temper even more.

"I think that would be the best–"

"James _Fleamont_ Potter."

Lily put her hands on her hips, getting right in his face. It didn't take a genius to figure out why she physically couldn't stay away from him, even when she wanted to punch him in the face. _That beautiful face._ Now she was just getting off track.

"I'm not some sort of damsel in distress that you need to save."

"Aren't you?"

His frank stare made her regret not pulling on her work pants. The white sweater hit a few inches above her knees, and she shivered in the cool morning air. During the drama of the Prophet article she hadn't even considered her appearance. Her hair had come entirely out of the neat bun she'd had it in last night, and she was positive she had horrific racoon eyes. She wanted to wipe the mascara off but didn't want the guys to think she was crying.

 _No matter._ Lily straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin. Her mum had really caught on to that dumb quote she'd found one time on Pinterest: _Keep your head high princess, if not the crown falls off_. She'd only heard it a million times her last few summers at Hogwarts, but she'd gladly hear it a million more for the chance to see her mum again.

She pushed down the grief and glared at Potter. "No. I can take care of myself, thank you. Besides, Charlie and–"

"Oh of course, wouldn't want to upset _Charlie_." The ice in his voice only made Lily dig in harder. _So this is how it's going to be, hm?_

"Yes, _Charlie_. And Padmil. And my things. I can't just run off to London on a whim."

James took a huge breath, undoubtedly to give yet another idiotic comeback, when Sirius butt in, eyes rolling so hard they were practically in his head.

"I know fighting is basically foreplay for you, but we need to get off the street," he said in a bored drawl that belied his watchful scan and tense shoulders.

Lily tossed her head, still not ready to back down. "Well I have the vehicle, so I think I get to decide where we go from here."

Her smug look quickly changed into one of panic as James dangled the keys in front of her.

"Seriou–" She quickly cut herself off after casting a dark look toward Sirius, who was grinning maniacally. "Really, James?"

"I think we need to stay in Edinburgh." Remus spoke up unexpectedly, fingers drumming his thighs. Lily noticed he looked gaunt and wondered when the next full moon was. Normally she kept track, but she'd forgotten this month, of all the times.

"We're fugitives now. We can't just go waltzing down Diagon Alley," he continued. "Dumbledore told us to stay put until someone gets us a message."

James glared daggers at his sensible friend. "Fine. We'll go to Lily's flat."

There was an awkward silence. Remus and Sirius exchanged loaded glances, while James looked strangely… determined? Or defiant, maybe. Lily couldn't decide which.

"What?" She questioned finally, when no one spoke up.

"It's just that…" Remus hesitated.

Lily looked between the three of them. What didn't they want to tell her? Why wouldn't they want to go to her flat?

Suddenly, it hit her. Regulus and Severus, in _her_ bar after being gone for four years. Their twisted words to her back in the stockroom, making something out of nothing.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me." The disgust in her voice couldn't be overstated, and all three of them winced.

She yanked up her sleeves to reveal her forearms and viciously rubbed one, and then the other. "Is this what you wanted to see? Look, no dark mark!"

The guys couldn't even meet her eyes. James opened his mouth, but her bitter laugh cut him off.

"I don't know why I bother. Haven't they hurt me enough? What will it take to prove that I'm not a fucking Death Eater? Killing my parents? OH WAIT, that's already happened!"

She hugged herself and took a few steps back. Hot tears threatened to spill over. Her face felt like it was burning. James reached out a hand and she stepped back even more.

"Don't touch me." Lily folded herself inward as much as possible, the feel of the cold stone seeping through her sweater as she leaned against it. "I left to protect you. Why else would I leave? The school I loved, the friends I loved," she said looking accusingly at Remus and Sirius. "The man I loved," she added. She couldn't look at him, though. "And yes, I knew about the proposal. I didn't know exactly when it was happening, but I saw the ring."

Her eyes widened slightly as _that_ little nugget came out, completely unintentionally. The air left James in an audible woosh and her eyes flew to his suddenly ravaged face. _Why didn't you come after me?_

"You can't keep a secret worth shit, James," she said quietly, heavily. Again, that wave of grief threatened to sweep her under as she turned back to Remus and Sirius. "So tell me, why the fuck would I run away from all of that to become part of an organization that's only purpose is to wipe people like me from the wizarding world?"

"You know why we would think that, Lily." She wondered if that moment was the first time Sirius had ever used her real name, and she hated it immediately. She hated his quiet, appeasing tone, so unlike the brash rebel she had known. That alone told her how much they had actually believed this of her.

Remus scrubbed a hand over his face. "We never wanted to believe it. But you were gone." He glanced at James. "If it makes you feel any better, James never stopped defending you. He wouldn't even say your name, but no one said you were a Death Eater while he was around."

It shouldn't have, but it did make her feel better. Marginally. How many of her old friends thought she was a freaking Death Eater, she wondered? Just because she used to be friends with Severus? Honestly if the "right" side was going to be that unreasonable, she should be glad she left when she did.

Sighing, Lily pushed off the wall toward the car. This was getting them nowhere. "I can't talk about this anymore. Where are we going from here? Someone make a fucking decision."

Sirius seemed to brace himself. "Well, James has to go back to work. Orders from Dumbledore," he added apologetically.

The murderous look on James' face made him throw up his hands. "Don't kill the messenger, mate!"

"Fuck work and fuck Dumbledore." James ignored three pairs of raised eyebrows and stomped to the Rover. "I need some tea."


	8. Chapter 7:Hope I Never See Them Again

Author's note: don't try to reconcile the prophecy in the books with the prophecy in this story- you will go crazy 😊

 _Present_

Now that it was _hopefully_ fucking established that Lily had not become a Death Eater in the four years they'd been apart, James was in serious need of tea. And a shower. They climbed into the Rover, the keys of which he'd been forced to hand over to Lily when he realized he had no earthly idea how to drive a car.

Sirius sniffed obnoxiously and wrinkled his nose. "I don't need to ask how _your_ night was, you nasties."

James didn't miss the small smile that played at Remus' lips and huffed out a breath, eye wandering to the window. The remnants of the grim march last night slid past them as they drove down High Street. Broken windows and blackened doorways told a dark story, but not one the city was unfamiliar with. The ancient stones had survived far more than a few weirdos in robes marching around wreaking havoc.

If he had to guess, a story had already been circulated about some kind of costume party that got out of hand. As the wizarding world had gotten more violent, the Muggle government had become extremely adept at making things seem normal at all cost. Twelve muggles dead at a restaurant? Must have been the fish. Strange flashes and broomsticks over London? Freak meteor shower. The excuses had gotten quite creative, and memory-modification had become an entire cottage industry.

On bad days, James wondered what would happen if Voldemort came into full power. Would he continue to run the wizarding world behind the scenes, as it were? Or would he do something drastic, like try to subjugate the muggles? Ridiculous even to consider, but he wouldn't put anything past the power-hungry wizard.

They were all wrapped up in their individual thoughts when Lily cleared her throat awkwardly. "So, what do you do?"

A shout of laughter from the backseat made James whip his head around.

"What is this, the delayed morning-after conversation?" Sirius winked in the face of James' death glare.

"I work in the Department of International Magical Cooperation," he admitted, avoiding her eyes, trying not to think about the starry-eyed plans they'd had as their final year at Hogwarts drew to a close.

"We call it 'DIM' C for short. Suits him," Remus quipped.

Lily threw him a glance, half teasing, half sad. "Never imagined you as one of the ministry suits."

"Yeah well, neither did I until Dumbledore ordered me to apply."

It was ironic that the most-employable of the Order members was also the wealthiest of them all. Purebloods, especially ones with old families like James', were snapped up as soon as they applied at the Ministry. Muggle-borns had been cleared out a few years ago, while squibs could barely get the lowest of the low positions.

James would give his left foot for Remus to have a good job in the magical world, to give him something to do besides mope about all day, but so far it hadn't happened. The first time he had to miss work because of the full-moon, he was gone. Everyone was so suspicious these days, for good reason. One misstep and your entire family was dead, the dark mark floating about your house making it perfectly clear why.

Not that employment mattered anymore because Remus was now a damn fugitive. James let out a breath as he remembered the front page of the Prophet. It wasn't long after their 5th year that the Muggle-born editor had been replaced, never to be heard from again. The whole affair had been very hush-hush. As the anti-muggle campaigns gained popularity, it was no longer necessary to hide such actions. Part of him was hesitant to bring Lily back for that very reason. Things had been bad when she'd left, but Muggle-borns had still been an integral part of wizarding society. Now… the only place for her was in the Order. Or in hiding.

His somber thoughts were interrupted as Lily swerved suddenly onto a more populated road. He didn't know exactly what these were called, but there were a lot more cars going a lot faster. A _lot_ faster.

"Don't look at your mobile right now!" He practically shouted as she picked the vibrating thing up, all the while zooming through four lanes of traffic. Remus also looked terrified; Sirius was having the time of his life. _That bloody motorcycle._

James unglued his hand from the armrest and snatched the mobile out of her hands and up to his ear. " _What?_ "

"I'm looking for Lily." The voice was male, guarded. James bristled.

"Put it on speaker," the girl in question fussed, grabbing the phone back before he could reply. "I'm here, Charlie. Are you ok? Is Padmil with you? Sorry, my phone died and I've only just had the chance to plug it in. We're on our way back to my flat."

There was a short silence as Charlie took this in. "We're fine, Lily. Just a bit scratched up. Padmil's car was damaged but we got out of there pretty fast. Actually, we're at your flat now so we'll see you when you get here."

Charlie hung up, rather hastily, he thought. James stared at the device in his hand. "Do I need to… touch it now?"

"Just put it down. He hung up," she laughed at his total ineptness, before sobering. "I should've gotten ahold of them last night. Charlie lives twenty minutes out of town and Padmil lives right by the bar."

 _I'm sure it was such a hardship for Charlie to stay at your house,_ was what he thought. "They sound like good friends," was what he said.

The painful flick he received in the back of his neck indicated that perhaps he wasn't as good at hiding his feelings as he thought.

"Yeah, let's talk about _Charlie_ ," Sirius suggested innocently.

Knowing full well that Lily would interrogate him right back, James cleared his throat. "Actually, I need to fill you in on what Lily said last night." Immediately, he winced and held up a hand in his friend's delighted faces. "NOT that! About what happened at Hogwarts."

Their faces fell, instantly more guarded.

"I'm right here," Lily spoke up, the car swerving slightly as she glanced over. "I can speak for myself."

James blanched. "Why don't you concentrate on driving. So," he began, turning toward the backseat, "first things first. Pete might be a death eater."

"The fuck?"

"I knew it."

Remus and Sirius spoke over each other, trying to process this.

"Lily told him about…" he glanced at her apologetically, "well, about her parents, _before_ the game. She told him to pass on the message to meet her. Obviously, that didn't happen."

"Ironic that it was his job to keep her off the field that day," Remus mused. He reached up to grip Lily's shoulder. "God, Lily, we would've been there in a minute if we'd known. Marlene went wild when she couldn't find you."

"That little piece of shit." This was from Sirius, who clearly hadn't moved past Peter's part in all of this. "Just wait until we find him–"

James gave an imperceptible shake of his head, widening his eyes slightly toward Lily. This was not the time. Later, they would talk revenge, but not in front of someone who hadn't _lived_ the war. Some of the things they'd all had to do… he wasn't proud of his deeds, exactly, but he wasn't ashamed either. Their war-time actions were in a weird third category of simply necessary. James found himself wondering how to tell Lily about all he'd seen and done. She'd known him inside and out… once. Would she understand now, four years and a war between them?

"Maybe there's some other explanation," Lily spoke up, her tone hopeful. "Maybe it just slipped his mind, or… something," she finished lamely.

Sirius gave a bitter laugh. "Evans, Evans. He told us _to our faces_ that day, 'oh I just told her to stay off the field.'" His impression of Peter's 'I dunno' voice was pretty spot-on, and James smiled despite himself.

He ignored his desire to give Lily some hope, protect her from the jadedness that came with years of living in the fucked-up place that was the British wizarding world right now. "He disappeared right after you did, Lily. That looks pretty bad," James said gently.

"Moving on from that useless lug, why run?" Remus picked at the pulls in his jumper, a nervous habit he'd had ever since James had known him. "We would've dropped everything to help you."

James couldn't blame him for his slightly accusatory tone. He'd felt the same anger tenfold, only to feel it draining away at the abject horror in her voice as she'd described that godawful vision.

"She ran because Voldemort showed her a vision of the game. She watched us win, and then…" he hesitated, before continuing, "She watched us die."

He saw Lily flinch out of the corner of his eye and wondered what she hadn't told him. Shaking that thought off, he continued. "I was apparently… blown-up. And you can imagine the rest."

Sirius swore, and Remus sucked in a breath. They'd had enough near-misses during various fights to know exactly how Lily felt in that moment.

"Ok, I can see running after that," admitted Remus. "But why stay away? As soon as the game ended, the threat would've been over. And why not just kill us anyways? Voldemort has never been that discriminate about killing underaged wizards."

James glanced at Sirius. "Apparently Regulus convinced him that her death would make her a martyr, and turn the tide of popular opinion against them at the time. They thought her running might help us come over to his side."

"My fucking brother. What a champ."

"He did save my life, Sirius," Lily pointed out.

He gave a noncommittal noise. "So, you left to save our lives. And you stayed away to…"

"Continue saving your lives." Lily's voice was firm and didn't invite further questioning. Again, he wondered what else she wasn't telling them.

There was a short silence.

"Well, I hope wherever that asshole is, he's miserable as fuck."

James grinned and shook his head at Sirius' proclamation. Remus nodded slowly in agreement. They finished the ride in near-complete silence, the recent revelations all too much to process. After an interminable amount of time clutching at the armrests and being flung about the vehicle, they pulled up to a row of respectable-looking terraced houses. James staggered out, about to kiss the ground when Lily's smirk made him straighten nonchalantly. Remus snorted, although he was looking fairly pale himself.

A door three houses down was flung open, spitting out two anxious figures.

"They don't know anything," Lily muttered to James, watching her friends run toward them.

He was only too glad to make sure it stayed that way, especially after the lingering hug from Charlie.

"We should get inside," Sirius interrupted their reunion bossily.

Lily threw him a Look, knowing exactly what was happening, but slipped out of Charlie's arms and led them up the path.

 _Well,_ James thought _, this is shaping up to be an awkward day._

"You're looking radiant this evening, Lilybug." Sirius was lounged against the arm of her couch, long legs crossed, arms folded.

Lily dispensed with the pleasantries when she noticed his wet hair. "Did you use my shower?"

"What do you want to hear right now? Because, _that_ , is what I did. Or didn't do." He added, eyes widened in fake sincerity.

She made an indignant noise and smacked him on the arm as she brushed by on the way to the Holy Grail of… well, it certainly wasn't the morning anymore. Remus was already in the kitchen, sipping the nectar of the gods and reading one of the classic novels she kept on the shelf but had never actually opened. _Count of Monte Cristo_ , it looked like.

Lily grabbed her favorite mug from the drying rack (who put away their coffee mugs anyways?), a giant one that was more of a bowl. "Badass and Brilliant," it proclaimed in fancy script surrounded by dahlias, one of her favorite flowers. She had a feeling she'd need the mantra today, particularly, and repeated it to herself a few times to avoid thinking about anything else.

She would not, under any circumstances, think about the fact that she was disappointed that James had to leave late that afternoon. She would _certainly_ not consider how natural it felt to have him in her flat, even after all these years. And perhaps most importantly, Lily would absolutely not focus on how bloody fucking dangerous it was for James Potter to step back into a building full of muggle-hating, unforgivable curse-loving vipers disguised as human beings. _Badass and Brilliant, Badass and Brilliant._ _Breath, Lils, breathe._

Several sugars and a healthy dose of denial later, she felt caffeinated enough for human interaction. Padmil was still passed out on her bed from their afternoon catnap, exhausted from the incredibly awkward 'Lily's past meets Lily's present' day they'd had. Thank God that was over, was all she could think. And thank God for Remus and Padmil, who had carried on somewhat naturally in an effort to make things a tad less awful.

It hadn't worked. James glared moodily at Charlie the whole morning, while Sirius decided to idiotically interrupt everything Charlie began to say. To call it a complete disaster was a complete understatement. Lily had found herself hoping for, say, a building fire, or a freak tornado. Those would have been less painful ways to spend the day.

Instead, they had all piled into her tiny sitting room and compared stories. Charlie and Padmil had been able to get out before the fight really began, Lily was relieved to hear. They'd gone to their flats to grab a few things before coming here to wait for her. Of course Charlie had admonished her to "keep your fucking mobile charged" before giving her another hug, probably just to piss off James. It hadn't taken long before James' cave-man attitude had started to rub Charlie the wrong way, and she recognized the wicked glint in his eye the moment he decided that poking the bear was much more fun than explaining that no, he didn't have feelings for Lily.

He had told her about his torturous intentions in the kitchen, after James and Sirius had left to "get some damn air and some quality tea, Evans, you swine." Remus grinned delightedly and Padmil just shook her head. Finally, Charlie had decided that he'd had enough fun and left after a late lunch.

She was still surprised at how easily he and Padmil had accepted her apologies for not being able to tell them anything. All they knew was that the guys were some old schoolmates of hers, and if they saw those two men who had been sitting at the end of the bar, they were to run as far and as fast as they could. She had considered telling them everything, fuck the statute of secrecy, but all she could see was the look of utter confusion on her parents' faces as they were tortured to death in a war they knew nothing about.

Padmil, bless her, had insisted on staying after Lily let it slip about her head wound. Ok, so it was probably more so that she could interrogate her after the guys went to sleep in the sitting room, but the concern was touching nonetheless.

"I'm no expert on men, considering," she'd teased as they squeezed into Lily's twin bed to take a power nap, "but why didn't you choose Mr. Tall, Dark, and Broody? Even I can see that the man is _fit._ "

"Oh my god he's like a brother!" Lily protested, shuddering. "And James is just… his hair is so ridiculously messy. And he's so _tall_. And his eyes just crinkle when he's happy and it's the hottest–" She cut herself off at Padmil's massive grin. "You teasing bitch."

"You're the bitch." Padmil replied without heat. "No but really. I know you can't tell me why you left the man, but, _why_?"

Her mumbled, "I was insane," didn't satisfy her perceptive friend, and Lily sighed. Maybe she could tell her something without telling her everything. Or anything, really.

"You believe in fortune-tellers and stuff, right?" she began hesitantly, staring at the ceiling. This place was so old she'd had to look up the term "round ceiling decorations" when she'd moved in. Turns out, they were called ceiling medallions. The more you know, she thought, procrastinating even in her thoughts.

Padmil made an affirmative noise, so Lily continued reluctantly. "I know one that is scarily accurate. As in, could-make-billions-of-pounds accurate." Ok, so Seers like Trelawney weren't actually terribly accurate, but she wanted to impress that it was plausible for this particular seer to say something that changed the entire course of Lily's life.

"She made a prophecy about me and James."

Padmil flew up into a sitting position. "What! How did you know? What if she was lying? What did it say?"

Laughing slightly at her friend's exuberance, Lily put a hand up. "All I can say is that it is definitely about us... This woman wouldn't lie... And I can't tell you the whole thing but it talked about…" _Breathe Lils, breathe_. "A baby."

 _4 Years Ago, 7:25pm_

"What will it be, Lily Evans? Join us, or die?"

Eighteen-year-old Lily hadn't spent a lot of time imagining what her death would be like. Her head had been filled with more pressing things, like how James was going to ask her to marry him, and how she could get Marlene and Sirius together.

She blinked, suddenly furious that she would never experience those things, that her friends would find her body here on her parents' lawn. All of the things she could say at this moment crowded together in her mind.

She decided to go with simple. "Fuck off," she said, her tone careless like he was some minor nuisance. Lily's green eyes never left his black ones as a flash of fury lit his face and he raised his wand, the killing curse already on his lips.

"If I may, my Lord." Regulus' voice interrupted the tense moment, and Lily wanted to cry. _Let me die bravely, damn it!_ She knew the anger would wear off, given much more time, and the utter terror would set in fully. Lily didn't want to give them the satisfaction having to look away. Or worse, cry.

For a moment she really thought Voldemort was about to kill Regulus, so cold and penetrating was the stare he sent his way. "Yes?" he said silkily.

Regulus' hands shook. He obviously hadn't missed the threat implicit in the Dark Lord's tone. "Killing the mudblood will make her a martyr. We're gaining prominence in the Ministry but something like this could turn the tide back against us."

Lily was surprised at the wisdom of Regulus' words. He was two years behind them in school but apparently some years ahead of them in political strategy. All those years navigating his complicated family, she supposed, especially after Sirius had left him to deal with them alone.

"If she leaves of her own free will," he continued smoothly, "abandoning the friends that are fighting so hard for her disgusting lack of pure blood, they might see it as a betrayal and perhaps even see our side of things."

The idea was so preposterous that Lily actually snorted. _Real smooth, Lils. Awkward to the end._

"You might as well just kill me now," she challenged. "They would never turn, even if I did leave. A free wizarding world is more important to them than one Muggle. Besides, I'll die before I leave them." She gestured toward the smoking ruins behind them. "Thanks to you, they're all I have left now."

"Silence!"

At the Dark Lord's roar, someone muttered a spell behind her. Lily gagged as her throat dried up like she'd never had water in her entire life. Hot air filled her mouth and she fought for breath, too busy staying alive to even consider speaking up.

Voldemort was silent for a moment as well, head bowed. Lily wondered if it was James' money they were after. It couldn't be cheap to fund a terrorist group, no matter how many pureblood families you had on your side.

"I am aware that you will not leave on your own." He finally spoke, a grudging respect in his eyes. Lily wanted to roll her own. _I can die happy- Voldemort doesn't think I'm completely useless._ "However, Black is right. You will be leaving the Magical world and you will stay gone."

Her heart sank at his inflexible tone; she had a sudden suspicion of what was coming as he waved his wand and the scene melted. This time, they were on the quidditch pitch. The clock next to the scoreboard read 11:30pm. It looked as if Gryffindor had won, the team was doing a victory lap, the crowd going insane. She caught her breath as James whizzed past, the joy on his face actually painful to behold. She knew the drill this time and didn't try to catch his attention.

"Wait for it," Voldemort hissed, pupils dilated, looking like the snake he was.

A loud explosion made her jump and sprint toward the seats she knew her friends were in. Someone was screaming loudly, obnoxiously, like their life was about to end. It took her a moment to realize that she was the one screaming. There was James' baby, the broomstick he loved potentially more than her, blown to pieces. She fought her way forward still, the terrible knowledge blooming in her mind. No, no, no, no, no.

She turned to the side and dry-heaved, her mind refusing to fully accept the reality of _that_ – those burnt, unspeakably horrible shapes – being all that was left of James Potter. The scene melted again. A wail split the air, this time not her own. Mr. and Mrs. McKinnon rushed across the field toward the bodies laid out on the blackened pitch. Lily couldn't seem to look away as her eyes found her friends, so terribly still. Marlene, Sirius, Remus, Alice, Frank, Peter.

The scene melted for the final time, and Lily threw up on her parent's lawn once more. Regulus merely looked somewhat disgusted, and she wondered if Voldemort had let him see the vision of his own brother's dead body.

"That is no wishy-washy prophecy, that is exactly what will happen in four hours if you do not do as I say and drive away right now."

Shaken to her core, Lily looked toward the road. Would he really let her leave, just like that? She could save her friends, save herself in the process… but no.

"You don't understand," she told the Dark Lord quietly. "Love. Loyalty. Friendship. It's all we have. I can't go. I can't betray them like that."

"Even though you're sentencing them to death?" His tone was probing, slightly confused. "In three and a half hours, you will kill your friends. The bomb in that vision could only be smuggled in by a student. A mudblood student."

Bile filled Lily's throat as she realized what he meant. _The imperious curse_. He'd force her to murder her friends, the boy she loved… the thought was unbearable. But running wasn't the right thing to do, either.

Her thoughts chased each other like manic rabbits. Should she do something that would make them kill her now? Go along with it and try to warn them, somehow? Just… go? It was somehow the most and least bearable thought at the same time.

The seconds ticked by and she watched Regulus scan the sky. What was he waiting for? An attack?

Voldemort had just opened his mouth when Regulus dared to interrupt him again.

"My Lord."

He motioned to the approaching figure he had apparently been waiting on. Lily tensed as someone on a broomstick flew toward them and landed with a small stumble.

Her knees almost buckled in relief when she saw that was just another Death Eater. For a moment she'd thought… but her heart had been in her throat for nothing. Her eyes followed the woman as she walked right up to Voldemort and whispered in his ear.

Surprise, an odd thing to see on such an imposing figure, suffused his white face. "Black, bring the girl to Grimmauld Place. We have a prophecy to subvert."

So it was by an odd twist of fate that Lily heard the prophecy condemning her, James, and probably their future son, in Sirius' twisted childhood home. Trelawney's eerie voice filled the Black library as their creepy house elf Creacher watched from the corner. Lily, gagged again and tied to a chair, could only shake violently at the sound of the prophecy that would change her life forever.

" _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... "_

Hope filled her. Voldemort would be stopped, someday. Right would win out.

" _Born to the stag and the doe near death, he is fated to live, but fated to die ... "_

Obviously, her and James were the stag and the doe… near death, though? The prophecy is about our child, so that part refers to us, she thought, panicked. The loss of her own parents was too fresh, and the thought of her son growing up without her and James stabbed through her like a wound. The final phrase filled her with paralyzing fear. _Fated to die? Our son?_

" _And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ..."_

She barely heard the rest of the prophecy, the phrase "fated to die" echoing in her head, a bloody death knell. _Breathe Lils, breathe._

 _Present_

"So you left because this prophecy or whatever said that you and James are going to die soon, and that your child would also die?" Eyes like dinner plates, Padmil stared at Lily. The extremely edited story of that day had naturally horrified her friend.

"You make it sound so noble," Lily grumbled. "It was more selfish than that. Yeah, I don't want us to die, and I definitely don't want our child to die." She paused, remembering her conflicted emotions that day, and the decision that had torn her apart. "But… I don't want to be some kind of breeding cow for the savior of the world, you know? Why couldn't it be someone else's family? Someone else's child? Some other woman's womb?"

Understanding filled Padmil's face. "The future is what you make it, Lily, no matter what some weird prophecy says."

"I know. And that was another part of it, that maybe me going away would delay it a bit, would keep us alive for that much longer." She put her head in her hands. "God I'm such a horrible person. What's wrong with me?"

"I mean, you were eighteen and terrified. In one day you found out that A) your parents had died, B) you and your boyfriend might die soon, and C) you might be having a CHILD. Who was going to be in mortal danger." She reached out and gave Lily a squeeze. "Give your teenage-self a fucking break. So were you? Pregnant?"

"No, thank God. I took a test at the first petrol station I found. It was awful, but I was so glad not to have that to worry about too."

"I guess you wouldn't have been so quick to get a tattoo," she laughed, then looked at Lily seriously. "I'm glad we met each other that night. I wish you hadn't been running from something, but I'm glad all the same."

Lily swallowed. "Thanks Padmil. You're the best." She took in a breath. "Oh, don't tell the guys anything about this. I… haven't told James."

Her friend's eyebrows went practically to her hairline. "I'm sorry, what! That seems pretty damn important for him to know."

"I know, I know! I need to tell him!" She rolled onto her stomach, hiding from the stark reality. James was going to be _pissed_.

She was grateful when Padmil shook her head sympathetically and turned over, giving Lily much-needed space to think. Had she made the right decision? It really had seemed like the only possible option that horrible day. If she could go back… she didn't know that she'd do anything differently. Piling her stuff into the tiny yellow car and leaving the wizarding world had been the hardest thing she'd ever done. Tonight, Lily wondered if re-joining that world might be even harder.


	9. Chapter 8: I Know

Author's notes:

The armband idea in this chapter is one I borrowed from another fanfic but I don't remember the name or author. If anyone reads the chapter and knows the fic, let me know so I can properly thank the author for the idea!

The Mahoutokoro information is straight from Pottermore.

Also, would a "previously on Closer…" be helpful to you as a reader now that the fic is getting so long?

Thanks for reading and reviewing! You all are wonderful!

 _Present Day…_

Lighting split the ceiling of the third-floor conference room. Thunder sounded, and a two-foot cloud formed ominously over the oblong table. There was a scramble to move scrolls and other papers out of the way as lighting hit again, and a sudden, tiny, downpour began soaking the wood. The miniature cloud made its way leisurely down the length of the table before suddenly veering left.

"As I was– oh!"

The head of the Department of Muggle Relations jumped out of his chair in an effort to avoid the rain. It didn't work. For a moment the unusually tall man's head was literally in the clouds and in seconds, he was completely soaked. Dry and toasty across the table, James watched his nose flare in an effort to stay calm. That also did not work. He swore and jumped up, muttering a drying spell, before sitting back down.

"As we were saying, Mr. Yamasura, a Muggle-born registry allows your government to keep track of this difficult sub-group."

The rain seemed to have stopped, and the cloud had moved toward the back of the room. Everyone's eyes followed it as it floated over Gibbons once again. He growled another curse and covered his head with a handy Daily Prophet. The man was determined, James would give him that. He held back a laugh as Gibbons wrung out his tie with one hand and continued to hold the newspaper in the other, all the while grimacing horribly at his ruined shoes. How was the man always so tan, James wondered idly?

"And why would we want to 'keep track' of muggle-borns, Mr. Gibbons?"

James had no idea how Kaito Yamasura, an old friend from their Triwizard Tournament days, was keeping a straight face. First off, the idea was idiotic. The only reason it had become policy at the Ministry was because so many people were terrified of Voldemort. There was no practical purpose to it, other than the government being able to target Muggle-borns, something that unfortunately James saw coming sooner rather than later. The more reasonable people had long since been forced out of Ministry positions; the only reason he was still there was to spy for the Order.

"Please, call him _Gilbert_ ," James offered solicitously. Gibbons' first name was his favorite thing about the man, entirely because the man himself hated it.

"We need to ensure that all members of the wizarding community are contributing to our society," Gibbons said fervently, after shooting a killing look at James. "Of course pure-bloods will, but a Muggle-born registry ensures that each of these people have a legitimate occupation. It's a purely economic consideration."

Kaito blinked. "I see. Besides… economic considerations, are there other reasons?"

Gibbons glanced up at the still-hovering raincloud and tentatively put down the newspaper. Immediately, there was another downpour. Seeing that he was busy fending off the miniature rainstorm, his co-worker continued the presentation.

"Muggle-borns weren't raised in the wizarding world," the raven-haired old woman began querulously. "They might do something to expose us, put our world in danger. Who knows who they are _really_ loyal to when push comes to shove?"

"That is what the International Statute of Secrecy is for, is it not, Miss Bolton?" Kaito questioned, his pen moving smoothly over his scroll.

Five years ago, James would have said that Glenda Bolton was a relic of the past. Her anti-muggle prejudice had kept her at a low-level in the Ministry until Voldemort's ideas began to take hold, making the prejudice that had always been there in many wizards more acceptable in the light of day. Now, she was assistant department head, a position that previously would have been off-limits for her.

Glenda huffed at Kaito's question. "Yes, but these Muggle-borns could be dangerous. Our department will be releasing a report on these people that show just how dangerous they really are."

James' ears perked, and Gibbons looked peeved as he finished yet another drying spell. Clearly, this wasn't something he was supposed to know about. "Tell us more, Glenda," he encouraged, eyes wide in fake outrage. "Why _are_ Muggle-borns so dangerous?"

Her chest puffed. "Well, statistics show that Muggle-borns tend to be more violent. Ten out of–"

"Thank-you, Glenda," Gibbons interrupted nervously, clearing his throat. "They can read for themselves in the Daily Prophet tomorrow morning."

Glenda's eyebrows rose seriously. "It is _very_ informative."

For a moment, the only sound was the pitter patter of tiny rain drops. The cloud had migrated to the corner, directly over Gibbon's bag of documents. He swore and jogged over to yank it to safety.

"Potter, can't you do something about this?" Gibbons' bark of pure frustration was music to James' ears. Doing whatever he could to make the man's life miserable was something of a sport, one that James excelled at.

He rearranged his features to look semi-sympathetic. "Sorry Gilbert, you know those maintenance workers…"

"God they need to get that contract figured out," Gibbons grumbled. He belatedly caught the use of his first named and glared at James again.

James took this as his cue. "Thank you so much for your time," he said, pushing back his chair to end another meeting from hell.

Kaito also stood. "I am sorry we could not come to an agreement on this issue."

Spreading his hands, James shrugged. "We can only do so much around these tables."

Kaito shot him a knowing look. "I will mention the… novel… idea of a 'muggle-born registry' as you call it. Perhaps it will gain some traction with some of our council members."

The officials from Department of Muggle Relations looked at James sourly before walking out the door. They didn't bother to say goodbye to Kaito, with whom they had called the meeting. James had just managed to join, after being lied to about the time and location several times.

The meeting had been long, exhausting, and, in the end, pointless. James had made sure of that. He didn't feel like he did much to help the cause these days, but he could sure as hell make sure none of this bullshit spread to other wizarding countries.

"I'm still waiting for that re-match someday," James challenged Kaito with a grin as he held the door open, thankful beyond belief that their meeting was over.

Kaito tilted his head. "Oh was that quidditch you were playing last time? I thought you were showing me your first-year broom skills."

"I seem to remember my team beating yours at the Tri-Wizard," James reminded him loftily, giving him a mock punch in the side. Although James hadn't been old enough to participate in the Tri-Wizard, he had been able to organize several quidditch matches between the schools during the games. "Besides, we did invent the game in the first place."

"Some rogue Hogwarts students might have spread the game to Mahoutokoro, but we perfected it."

Although James hated to admit it, Kaito's boast wasn't entirely unearned. The quidditch rivalry between the two schools was hundreds of years old. Legend had it that a band of Hogwarts students trying to circumnavigate the globe via broomstick had stumbled onto Mahoutokoro, the Japanese school of witchcraft and wizardry, and taught them to play quidditch. Mahoutokoro students liked to say that Hogwarts graduates had regretted the decision ever since, because the rigorous training conditions at the mountain-top school made for stiff competitors.

James shook hands with Kaito and they made plans to meet up in a few days. Back in his tiny office, he plopped down on his rickety chair and swung it toward his desk to find… a prophecy ball. He jumped up, careful not to touch it. Touching a prophecy not meant for you landed one in St. Mungo's with a case of the insanities for a while. It eventually wore off, but this wasn't the time for James to be hospitalized.

A note on his desk, one that hadn't been there when he'd left for the meeting a few hours ago, caught his attention and he leaned forward. It wasn't made of regular parchment paper. It was… computer paper? Is that what Lily had called it? The words "D of M, prophecy 635- James and Lily" were scrawled on it haphazardly, the print barely legible.

What the hell? James checked his security wards, but no human had passed through them. A quick check with his co-workers turned up only a recent house-elf sighting. That could be something, but house elves were a dime-a-dozen here. There was no way to figure out which one had been in his office. That would explain, however, why there wasn't someone babbling and acting crazy in his office. A house elf would be immune to the defense charms on the prophecy ball.

He bent down to examine the note more, when something jostled at his feet. James jumped in surprise, and to his horror, his fingers brushed the prophecy ball. The smoke inside began to swirl, and an eerie voice filled the room.

" _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... "_

"Mufflato!" James exclaimed, quickly locking his door. Fuck, this could be bad. There was nothing to do now except listen, though.

" _Born to the stag and the doe near death,"_

Stag and doe… James' jaw dropped. Him and Lily. It had to be. Near death, though? Panic filled him. Lily was going to die soon? It took everything he had not to rush out of the room immediately.

"… _he is fated to live, but fated to die ... "_

Their… son? Would have the power to vanquish Voldemort? More panic, warring with pride.

" _And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ..."_

Someone else would have to help him interpret that part. All he knew was that he and Lily might die soon, they were fated to _have a child_ , and that the child might also die. What the bloody hell was going on?

The prophecy fizzled out and the glass ball dropped to the floor with a dull clunk, now useless. James stared at it blankly, trying and failing to come to grips with what he had just heard. Stag… doe… death… child…

All at once, James knew two terrible things. First, he could lie to himself all he wanted but the truth was, he was still very much in love with Lily Evans and perhaps always would be. Second, he could love her all he wanted from a distance, but if they were together, this prophecy would come true. Lily, and their child, would die. And _that_ was simply unacceptable. 

_4 Years Ago_

Lily stared at the seemingly harmless piece of cloth in her hand. The band was red and slightly stretchy, with a block-style letter "M" outlined in black. She instantly knew it would irritate her skin something awful. That wasn't the only thing it would irritate.

She and the rest of the few dozen muggle-borns left at Hogwarts had been gathered in the Great Hall. Dumbledore was standing by the doors, arms crossed, a foreboding expression on his face. McGonagall rushed around frantically, snapping at any ministry wizards foolish enough to cross her path.

Lily had never felt more like a second-class citizen in her life. She'd been yanked out of the dungeon classroom by a stranger, leaving Professor Slughorn sputtering in surprise. Lily had been so deep in her studies (N.E.W.T.s were only _six months_ away) that she hadn't had the time to protest. Peter was the only other Gryffindor in the N.E.W.T. level potions class, and Lily hoped he wouldn't run to the other Marauders right away. Things could get quite messy if they got involved.

As the man pushed her rudely down the hall, she demanded to know what the _hell_ was going on. Was she in trouble? Was her family ok? Lily's mind raced, but no answers were forthcoming, only a stern, "be compliant if you know what's good for you." Of course she'd promptly decided to be anything but.

"I'm not going to be dragged off to who-knows-where…" she'd started shouting, but paused when she saw the other Muggle-borns being led down the hall as well.

They'd all turned to look at her shout, and she gave them a thin smile, keenly aware of her responsibility as head girl.

Her eyes found Bridget, a normally-plucky 5th year Ravenclaw who looked terrified out of her mind. Some of the more nasty Voldemort supporters had been talking loudly of Muggle-born work camps that, to Lily's horror, were actually being proposed in the Ministry. They hadn't gone through to her knowledge (the wizarding world hadn't gone that crazy, yet), but this certainly wasn't a good sign. Lily jogged a few steps to catch up with the brunette and linked arms, throwing an "I dare you" look over her shoulder to her guard. They'd finished the journey in silence.

A very tall, very tan ministry worker had ordered them to line up against the wall. Heart racing, neck tight, Lily made sure she was first. It wasn't as bad as she feared. It was far worse. A flashbulb blinded her for a moment. Blinking wildly, she tried to listen to what the ministry goon was saying.

"You are now being entered into the Muggle-born registry. When you graduate, the school _will be_ providing us with your address and impending employment." The man glared at Dumbledore as he said this. Dumbledore stared impassively back.

"This," he continued, holding up the armband, "identifies you as a Muggle-born. It's for your own protection. Upon graduation, you will be required to provide your location and occupation to the ministry monthly. Again, this is for your own protection. The band also serves as a gentle reminder to check-in with the Ministry every month."

"A gentle reminder?" Lily couldn't help but ask. Dumbledore's eyes flared in a clear sign to _shut-up_ , but she ignored him. What was he doing to stop all this, anyways?

The man's eyes narrowed on her and she couldn't help but wish she hadn't drawn his attention. "Yes, Miss…"

She set her jaw and didn't answer his implied question. He'd know soon enough from this disgusting registry, anyways. She'd heard the rumors, but had refused to believe them. "I'm not putting this thing on until I know exactly what it does."

The pop of the flashbulb was the only noise, as the photographer continued down the line. The woman passing out the armbands paused and looked around uncertainly as Finlay, a Gryffindor in 7th year and a prefect, refused to take one from her hand. It was then that Lily noticed the dozen or so ministry workers that had escorted them out of class, lined up between them and the exit.

Lily's eyes met Finlay's and he mouthed, _what the fuck_. She shrugged haplessly, just as upset as he was. The man in front cleared his throat as he glanced back and forth between them and she could practically see him pinning them as ringleaders.

"Fine. Why don't you two step forward." He nodded and bounced on his feet, shooting a look toward the group of ministry workers that had apparently embraced their roles as enforcers. The wall of them walked forward.

The two seventh-years glanced at each other. Lily nodded slightly in encouragement, her eyes going to the terrified-looking first years down the row. _It's better that he makes an example out of us_ she thought. They took a few steps away from the wall.

"You will not go near my students, Gilbert." Dumbedore's voice was deceptively mild, although somehow it echoed through the Great Hall.

Lily choked back a laugh. _Gilbert_? The man looked annoyed, then blinked, a smug smirk on lips that made Lily want to punch him.

"Albus, are you defying the Ministry?" His words dripped with sarcastic surprise, but the clear attempt to put himself on the same level of authority as Dumbledore with the first-name usage failed miserably. Nothing could be less authoritative than Gilbert.

The headmaster walked forward and plucked two armbands out of the wooden crate. "I am doing no such thing. I am simply assisting you in the process."

Lily felt her heart drop as Dumbledore made his way toward them, eyes unfathomable as ever. The man she'd trusted to protect them was coming forward to put some kind of magical device that did who-knows-what on her. Even Professor McGonagall was looking at him askance. The utter betrayal on Lily's face must have been obvious, because his face softened.

"Trust me, Miss Evans. I'll explain later." His voice was barely discernable, even as he was inches from her face, sliding the band up onto her arm.

Her fists tightened, teeth biting into her lip hard enough to draw blood. How had the wizarding world sunk this low?

Gilbert (she still thought it was hilarious, despite the circumstances) side-stepped Dumbledore and came closer, face alight in a malicious smile. It was funny, she thought distantly, it looked like the man should be on a magazine cover, not doing the bidding of the Ministry.

"As I said, to help protect you, and remind you to check-in with the Ministry, the bands will give you a signal when it's time." He paused, expecting some kind of response.

"How helpful, _Gilbert_."

Her acerbic response made his face twist in disgust. "It's Mr. Gibbons to you, mu " He cleared his throat. "Miss…" one of the other workers hurried up and whispered in his ear. " _Evans_. Lily Evans." Gilbert stared at her, as if memorizing her face. She rolled her eyes.

"Let's get this over with."

"Indeed." He motioned to an older woman with black hair and (apparently) a black heart.

As soon as the woman muttered a spell and waved her wand, the band started tightening around Lily's arm. It wasn't bad at first, just rather annoying. She took a breath and reached over, grabbing Finlay's hand. He squeezed it in unspoken agreement. They had to take this, but they didn't have to let the Ministry see them squirm.

Both of them stared Gilbert squarely in the eyes. His face was eager, she could practically see him licking his lips in anticipation, his gaze going from their faces to the tightening bands.

As it began to dig in more, the band seemed to shrink not only in circumference, but in width as well. It was closer to the size of a hair-tie than an armband when it cut off circulation. The dull ache disappeared, replaced by sharp pain. It was clear the band would cut right through her skin if it wasn't stopped.

Wanting to be defiant, but also wanting to get out of this with both of her arms intact, Lily opened her mouth.

"STOP." Dumbledore's quiet demeanor was nowhere to be found. She'd never seen this version of the headmaster, eyes wild with fury, brandishing his wand.

She and Finlay sagged as they felt immediate relief. _Thank god._

Lily resisted the urge to rub her arm. Suddenly, the Great Hall doors flew open with a bang. More ministry workers strode in, wands out. Everyone, most students included, whipped their wands out as well. _What the hell?_

"Headmaster, stand down." To Lily's shock it was Mr. Potter, James' often-absent dad who worked in the Department of Mysteries. He put a calming hand on Dumbledore's arm and whispered something in his ear that made him lower his wand immediately.

"Gilbert, show me the authorization form that allowed you to come into a school, interrupt students in their learning, and put an experimental device on them," Mr. Potter thundered at his colleague. He looked eerily like his son when he was angry, Lily thought with a slight smile.

Gilbert seemed to shrink. "Mr. Potter, I was just signing these muggles up for the registry."

"Muggle- _born_ wizards and witches," Mr. Potter corrected.

"They need to be signed up–"

"Say it."

His eyes darted around and he glared at his superior rebelliously. "I don't know what you mean."

" _Say it_."

He drew back nervously in the face of Mr. Potter's wrath and was silent for a long moment.

"Muggle-born," he finally conceded, although not completely. "I was under the impression–"

"Right," the department head sneered, refusing to let him continue making excuses. "Under the impression that your department can do whatever the bloody hell you want. Well I'm here to tell you you're wrong. Show me the form or get out."

Gilbert hemmed and hawed, his tan face now pasty white. Clearly, Potter was the senior official here. Finally, he turned to Dumbledore. "This isn't over." Breathing noisily through his nose, he stomped out of the room. The rest of the wizards who had come with him looked nervously from Potter to the door, clearly wondering who to go with.

"LET'S GO!"

Gilbert's scream made them jump and stream out of the Great Hall. Lily and Finlay immediately ripped the armbands off, inspecting the damage. Just wicked bruises, it looked like.

"I'm so sorry about this, Albus." Mr. Potter sighed and ran a beleaguered hand through his hair, again mirroring his son. "Department of Muggle Relations, my ass. Gilbert is a menace. An idiot, but a menace nonetheless."

Dumbledore inclined his head, and turned to the students, who were still gathered against the wall in shock. "You all know the times we live in, and the danger you are in simply for being the way you are. I want to stress that Hogwarts is always a safe place for you, and that I knew help was on the way." He motioned to Lily and Finlay. "I had to let him think he was winning. I'm sorry that it got that far."

Lily nodded stiffly, not inclined to let him off the hook that easily. It wasn't _his_ arm that was black and blue. Finlay also watched him warily.

"I won't lie to you," he continued. "The Ministry is not done meddling at Hogwarts. Things will get worse before they get better. However, you are always welcome here."

Dumbledore's piecing gaze landed on Lily and Finlay again. "Today was necessary, but next time we won't be caught unaware." He looked back at the rest of the group. "You may take the rest of the afternoon off."

The students hurried away, whispering amongst themselves. How many of them would leave tonight? How many of them would have nightmares of choking bands and muggle-born work camps? Lily's shoulders sagged. How could this be happening?

Finlay gave Lily a brief hug and then left, undoubtedly to find his girlfriend. He'd been dating Meredith, a 6th year Slytherin, for a few years now. "Get Madame Pomphrey to look at your arm!" she called after him, knowing he wouldn't do it. He gave a distracted wave.

"Well this isn't the way I wanted to meet my son's girlfriend."

Lily started in surprise. "Oh, Mr. Potter! It's, um, nice to meet you."

The silver-fox version of James walked over, and Lily knew she never had to worry about James becoming unattractive. James had told her a lot about his parents, and she knew they knew about her. He'd had been hinting at her spending the upcoming holidays with them, but no plans had been made. _No time like the present_ , she thought.

"I'm sorry it wasn't a more pleasant occasion." He gave her a warm smile, despite the solemn look in his eyes.

She opened her mouth to thank him for interrupting whatever was about to happen, when they heard James.

"Dad?" They both turned as he shouted into the Great Hall and hurried over, confusion on his face. "What are you doing here? Is mom ok?"

Mr. Potter gave him a firm clap on the shoulder. "It's good to see you too. Everything's fine, son. Lily here can fill you in while I meet with your headmaster. Then, perhaps we grab a drink so I can interrogate this girl we've only heard about since first year." He winked at Lily, and James' face turned bright red.

"Dad!" His whine was so _teenager_ , Lily had to laugh. Sometimes she forgot they weren't adults, yet.

Mr. Potter only grinned. "I'll meet you down here in an hour."

"Yeah, yeah," James grumbled. "Humiliate me and then run away."

Sirius waved merrily to Mr. Potter as they passed each other outside of the Great Hall doors. He made his way over to Lily and James, who had taken a seat at one of the tables. "What's your dad doing here?"

James raised his eyes at Lily. "What _was_ he doing here? If you were asking my father's blessing for marriage, you're not very sneaky at it."

Her cheeks flamed, and now it was her turn to sound like an embarrassed teenager. "James!"

He and Sirius grinned at each other.

"Well as the best man, I'll help you pick out a ring. That's the muggle thing to do, right?"

Lily shook her head and crossed her arms, wincing when her fingers brushed the bruise that must be forming under her sweater.

James' brows furrowed but Remus sat down with them before he could say anything.

"Hey, did you hear about– oh hey, Lily. How's your arm?" He yanked up her sleeve, revealing a nasty blue and green ring on her bicep.

"What _happened_?" James asked in horror, eyes riveted to the injury until she yanked down her sleeve, glaring at Remus. He took her arm and yanked it back up, fingers lightly skimming over the multi-colored skin. _What the actual hell?_

Lily laughed lightly, like it was nothing. "The Ministry came and tried to get us to wear some bullshit armbands. Luckily your dad came in time."

So that's why his dad was here. James rarely saw his dad at home, so all-consuming was his job in the Department of Mysteries, so it had been a huge shock to see him at school.

As Lily explained what had happened that afternoon, James felt sick to his stomach. That she could be treated like that… it was just preposterous. She was a better witch than many purebloods he knew. _Gilbert Gibbons._ He made a note of the name. Someday, he'd like to give that wanker a piece of his mind. Or his fist.

Remus shook his head. "It's all over the school. A lot of people thought they were taking you away."

"Yeah, I wondered that myself," Lily admitted. "But it's just this registry that's 'for our protection,'" she put in air quotes. "Or so they can track us down and pick us off, one at a time. Same difference."

Sirius turned sideways on the bench and laid back, hands behind his head. "Listen, Evans, if you ever need a quick getaway, my motorcycle is at your disposal."

James was half-ignoring the conversation, still preoccupied with her abused flesh. What would've happen if his dad hadn't come, he wondered? Her arm… he carefully replaced her sleeve, jaw clenched. " _Fuck,_ I'm sorry Lily."

"Hey," she sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder, intertwining their arms. "You didn't do anything James. It's just…" he followed her gaze to the stained-glass windows. "The way things are right now."

He could see the stress on her face, the uncertainty about her future weighing her down. The Ministry was out of the question, obviously. Who would hire a muggle-born now? James wished she'd simply let him take care of her- god knows his family had more money than they knew what to do with- but he hadn't even considered offering that to his headstrong girlfriend. He knew a resounding "no" and maybe (probably) a smack in the face would be his answer.

Peter strolled in, hands in his pockets. His eyes went to Lily's arm; he must've heard.

"S'up guys?"

Sirius sat up and punched him in the side. "Where've you been?"

He glanced to the side. "Around. I didn't know what to do when Lily got pulled out of class–"

James pressed his lips together. Seriously, he didn't know what to do? Tell his frickin' friends, that's what he should do. Peter was one of his best friends but honestly, he needed to make some damn decisions once in a while.

"Yeah well we're going to meet my dad," he said coldly.

Peter's eyes went from him to Lily, then to the floor. "Ok. See you around."

James stared at him for one another moment. Where was the Peter he knew? Making a mental note to talk to his friend when he was less pissed off at him, he took Lily's hand and they started the walk toward Hogsmeade. It was a chilly December day. The snow crunched beneath their feet and the grey sky seemed to overlook them sadly. His warming spell had them in a cozy little bubble as they made their way down the hill.

"I would've told him not to tell you, you know," she began. "You always get so upset–"

He sighed out of his nose. _Not this again._ She was constantly excusing people's behavior when it came to her own safety. It was just like Regulus, and Snivellus, although not as much anymore. They were so insulated at Hogwarts and shit like this was still happening. What would happen when they graduated? How would he keep her safe?

Tugging one of the locks of hair that was escaping her Gryffindor beanie, James bent toward her and kissed the top of her head. "Lily, how many times do I have to–"

"I know I deserve to be safe, James," she interrupted, lightly elbowing him. "But telling you wouldn't have helped, this time. You would've stormed in there and made it worse. Your dad works with that guy. How would it look for his son to–"

"Stand up for what's right? Say no to the Ministry bullshit?"

"If Dumbledore couldn't do anything, you couldn't've," she reasoned so fucking reasonably, it made James' head hurt.

"I know! I know." He pulled her closer, wanting maximum contact even when he was pissed as all get out. "And don't think I'm going to let Peter off the hook. He's one of my best friends. If his girlfriend got kidnapped out of class–"

"I was hardly kidnapped, and he doesn't have a–"

"–then I would fucking well come and find him!"

James kicked at a convenient snowbank and it exploded in a shower of muddy brownish-white.

"Hey."

Lily pulled at his hand, stopping him in his tracks. She turned to face him, framing his face in her mitten-clad hands.

"I. Am. Fine."

"But you're not–"

"I. Am. FINE," she repeated.

He tried again. "No–"

Her hands pulled at his neck and suddenly his mouth was on hers, her body pressed up right against his. For a moment, just a moment, they blissfully forgot the Ministry, the school, their problems, and were just a regular seventh-year couple, making out on castle grounds.


	10. Chapter 9: But I'm Okay

_Present Day_

Lily was washing mugs in the kitchen when James apparated back with a loud crack.

She jumped about a foot in the air. "What the– oh, hey."

He didn't return her tentative smile, only stared at her as if he'd never seen her before.

"Is… everything ok?"

"Yeah, yeah everything's fine." James seemed to shake himself. "Where are Remus and Sirius?"

"In there." She tilted her head toward the sitting room, trying to hide her hurt as he walked briskly away. Really, he couldn't even greet her now? She knew the sex didn't change anything; they still couldn't really be together because of the damn prophecy, but she'd hoped they could at least be civil.

After James had left the afternoon before and Padmil had left later that night, she and the guys had lounged about late into the wee hours, watching trash TV and catching up. They had her in stitches as they told her all about their flat-hunting adventures, and how James absolutely refused to live in one place because the lights blinked creepily in the hallway. God he could be such a snob, Lily remembered with a smirk. They muted the TV as it started repeating infomercials and kept talking, giving her a rundown of what had happened to their school friends.

Most of them were working for the Order in some way. Some had died. Emmeline she already knew about (thanks for that, James), but she was devastated to hear about Finlay and Meredith, who had been killed in an ambush. The suffering in Sirius and Remus' eyes was apparent, and in that moment Lily regretted her decision just a bit. She would always save James, a thousand times over. But perhaps she could have done something differently, something that would have let her be there with them through all the horror they'd experienced.

The cheap bottle of rose was almost gone by the time Lily finally got up the nerve to ask the question that was really on her mind. She knew Remus and Sirius had been avoiding the topic, or they'd have mentioned her right away: Marlene.

"Do you think she'll forgive me?" Head bowed, Lily ran a finger around the edge of the obnoxious pink wineglass she'd gotten on deep discount a few months ago.

She could practically feel the guys give each other loaded glances, and sighed. "She hates me, doesn't she?"

There was another pause.

"No," Remus began hesitantly, "Not exactly."

Sirius shifted in his seat. "Marlene changed after you left."

"Changed?"

"I mean, she was always pretty intense but now she's…"

Lily sat up from where she had been laying on the floor and looked sharply between the two of them. "She's what?"

"Obsessed?" Remus tried.

"Possessed." Sirius corrected.

"With…"

"Stopping Voldemort. She barely listens to Dumbledore anymore, just goes off and fights 'her way,'" Sirius quoted, looking disgusted. "She's being a lunatic. I hope she forgives you just so you can talk some sense into her. I sent her a message – we have a secure system," he explained, "but she hasn't responded."

"I hope she forgives me," Lily said quietly, leaning back against the couch and tucking her legs underneath her.

The guys didn't offer her any comfort; they knew Marlene would be tough to crack. Suddenly, Remus snorted.

"'Secure system,'" he mocked. "Tell her what it's really for, Sirius."

Several expressions crossed his aristocratic face – outrage, betrayal, awkwardness – before he settled on smug. "Let's just say Marlene and I have come to an understanding."

It took Lily a few moments to fully understand, before screeching, "I KNEW IT!"

She pestered him with questions and teamed up with Remus to tease him mercilessly before the three fell into an exhausted sleep.

Lily had woken up on her sitting room floor, head propped against Remus' legs. He was sound asleep on the couch along with Sirius, whose feet were in his lap. Popcorn was strewn everywhere and she made a drowsy mental note to run the vacuum later. She tried not to think too closely about why James didn't come back that night. Remus and Sirius had been a bit too eager to entertain her, and she knew they were trying to cover for their friend. Had it been too long, she wondered? Was it too late? Shaking those all too-tempting thoughts out of her head ( _prophecy, idiot, remember the prophecy_ ), Lily took a steadying breath and moved on.

She'd called into the pub, but of course they were closed for repairs for the next several weeks. At least I don't need to worry about losing my job, she thought. Padmil and Charlie had answered her text messages and assured her they'd stay away from High Street. They'd both wanted to know what she was doing that day, and she couldn't tell them. Wait for James to contact them, she supposed.

Sirius had a quiet, hurried conference with James via their mirror system – a broken shard of glass they'd charmed to be a kind of magical FaceTime – but James hadn't been able to say much. Wait there until he got back, he'd told them.

Remus spent the day with his head buried in _The Count of Monte Cristo_ , when he wasn't answering Lily's questions. Sirius paced her sitting room until she finally told him to take a walk. He'd done so in his Animungus form, with Lily yelling after him that she wouldn't bail him out of the pound. Lily puttered about, cleaning and doing whatever she could to keep her mind off James. It was a long day.

The momentary relief that came with James being back was quickly replaced by confusion, then hurt. What happened that day, she wondered? What had changed? He barely looked her in the eye now. But what right did she have to demand answers, to know what he was thinking or feeling? She'd left, for four years, and then had sex with him right away when she saw him again without ever intending to get back together. It was better this way, she assured herself, blinking away tears and ignoring the ache in her chest.

Lily stood in the kitchen, still processing, only to hear the guys start talking about their plans without her.

"Um, hello?" She pulled herself together and joined their huddle, hands on her hips. "There are four decision-makers here, not three."

James gave her that unreadable look again, and she flinched. She'd have to get better at handling "icy James" if they were going to be together for any length of time.

"Yeah we were just saying that you should probably lay low for a while, Evans. I don't think it was a coincidence that Severus and Regulus were at _your_ pub, out of all the ones in the city."

So it was back to Evans now? She bristled at his implication about the pub, but before she could say anything he cut her off with a hand. " _Not_ because you were working with them, but they must have some other reason to draw you back into things without killing you."

 _The prophecy_. Her blood ran cold as she considered the implications. Did Voldemort _want_ the child to be born? Why else would she and James be alive? Realistically, there had been plenty of opportunity to kill them both back at the pub. She rubbed her face, the possibilities already exhausting her. How could she keep them both alive, without revealing what she knew?

Sirius threw a comforting arm around her. "Hey, you have three devilishly handsome bodyguards. What could go wrong?"

"I can take of myself, thank you. But maybe," she conceded a bit, "it's time to get me a wand."

The look of horror on their faces was comical. "Did you… throw it away?" James asked, wincing.

"Of course not! It was stolen out of the boot of my car the night I left."

Remus let out his breath with a hiss. "It must have been them. Why would a regular muggle thief steal a wand?"

Lily thought about how vulnerable she'd been that night and shivered at the thought of some death eater being so near.

James ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up even more than it had been. "Yes, we'll get you a wand. Let's get back on track here. Someone connected to Voldemort seems to be targeting you. Do you have any idea why?"

She drew in a breath. Here was her opportunity to come clean, served on a silver platter. Glancing away, she shook her head. "I don't know. I left to save your life. I don't know why they'd want me now."

James was giving her that intense look from the kitchen again. Lily squared her shoulders. She couldn't tell him- she couldn't do that to him. One of them knowing about their child that would never be was quite enough pain in the world, thank you very much.

Finally, he nodded slowly. "Well I think we can get you an extra wand from Order headquarters. That's probably where we should head next until we figure things out." He looked to Remus and Sirius. "Have we heard from Dumbledore or anyone?"

They shook their heads.

"Alright. We can't go there right away. Let's apparate a few places until we know no one's following."

"I have a place I need to go," Lily spoke up quietly. It was a place she'd been avoiding for a long time, but if she might die soon, it needed to be done. Prophecies had a way of happening no matter how careful you were about avoiding them.

It was time to pay a visit to Petunia.

 _4 Years Ago…_

"Lily, over here." Remus patted the seat between him and Sirius in the back row of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. It was their customary spot in all their classes; it made walking in late that much less noticeable. She was surprised to see two out of the four Marauders there on time, for once.

Marlene turned around and caught Lily's eye from the second row, where they normally sat. "Fine, sit with your boytoys back there. Traitor." Despite the fact that they'd all sat together for practically the whole year, Marlene continued to stubbornly pretend she wanted to sit in front.

"Get back here," Lily ordered her friend as she plopped down in the proffered seat.

Grumbling, Marlene hoisted her bag onto her shoulder and sat next to Sirius. "I set you up with the man of your dreams and this is how you thank me?"

"How dare you?" Sirius gasped dramatically, hand over his heart. "I was the matchmaker in this situation, please and thank-you, case-closed, end of discussion." He banged an imaginary gavel for emphasis.

"Look, all I'm saying is that Hogsmeade date wouldn't have turned into a date if I hadn't pretended to have a sudden case of the measles," Marlene defended her right to the title of matchmaker extraordinaire.

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius said dismissively. "I had to shove these two lumps out the door to give Lilykins and James some _alone time_. A herculean effort, I assure you." Peter and Remus, not appreciative of being referred to as lumps, glared at him.

They settled down as Professor Thimble made his way to the front and began to ramble. He wasn't a bad professor, per say, just… scatterbrained. One innocent question could set him off on a tangent that that might never lead back to the lesson he'd intended to teach that day. Once he stopped talking and allowed them to practice was really when his teaching skills shone, though. The wafer-thin, beanpole of a man had a gentle way of pointing out the tiny things that made a huge difference when casting spells. Lily was grateful to have finally gotten a decent DADA professor this year. The previous one had managed to stay for the whole year before finally giving in to her irrational terror of centaurs.

"Evans, you didn't save me a seat? I'm devastated." Potter's whisper made her jump about a foot in the air. His breath on the back of her neck gave her shivers, and she wondered when the "honeymoon phase" of their relationship would be over. Seven months and it was still going strong.

"Keep your panties on, Potter," she rolled her eyes as he slid into their row, Peter trailing behind him. "I'm sure you'll be fine."

She noticed Peter looking at her a little weirdly, and belatedly realized she'd taken his seat. "Oh Peter, I can move–"

"He doesn't mind, do you Pete?" Sirius interrupted in his attempt at a whisper, which ended up more like a quiet shout.

Professor Thimble's eyes turned their way, and they quieted down. "Today," he said somewhat forcefully, as if it was the second or third time he'd said it, "we are practicing the patronus charm. Besides the fact that they might be featured on your N.E.W.T. exams, can anyone tell me why we might be practicing this particular spell today?"

There was a short silence. Some students grabbed for the textbook, only to be met with a disappointed headshake from Thimble.

"Because of the attacks." Amanda, a Muggle-born Hufflepuff, was the first to make the connection.

"Because of the attacks," Thimble confirmed. "There have been an unusual amount of Dementor sightings, and worse than that, they seem to be attacking the general wizarding public, more specifically muggle-borns." Thimble looked at Lily and the three others in this class. "I want you to be able to defend yourselves should the occasion arise."

"Those are just rumors," Bensley Carleton scoffed loudly. "Pure bloods are in just as much danger, if not more."

"Why's that, Carleton?" Thimble's tone did not invite discussion, but the arrogant Ravenclaw didn't seem to notice.

"It's just that Dementors wouldn't bother with muggle-borns in the first place if they have a pure blood to go after."

Lily could feel Remus and Sirius stiffen at the same time. She leaned over and gave a warning look to James, who already has his hand on his wand.

Marlene just kicked at the row of seats in front of them. "Fucker," she muttered.

"Mr. Carleton, dementors are part of the 3rd year curricula. Do you need extra review?" Thimble's faux 'kindly old professor' demeanor made Lily snort. This was why she hadn't gotten angry right away. Thimble was one of those professors she knew without a doubt supported muggle-borns.

His Ravenclaw hackles rising at his academic prowess being questioned in front of the class, Carleton continued to dig his grave. "No sir. I was just saying–"

"I know what you were saying," the professor interrupted the undoubtedly idiotic drivel that was about the spew forth from Carleton's mouth. "And you would be wrong. Dementors are interested in one thing, and one thing only: souls. They couldn't care less about someone's magical heritage, and frankly, neither can I."

Carleton flushed and muttered angrily at being so clearly dismissed, while Thimble turned to the rest of the class. "You should have learned the _expecto patronum_ charm 5th year, so I will briefly review and then we will use the rest of the class to practice. The charm is a magical concentration of happiness and hope. The best way to invoke a patronus is to concentrate on your single happiest memory, the moment or scene in your life that has given you the most joy you've ever experienced. Please remember that this is a difficult spell that many witches and wizards never master. Don't be frustrated if you aren't able to produce a full-bodied patronus in our class today. Even a partial casting will help deter a Dementor."

He clapped his hands and smiled widely. "So, stand up, find a partner, and begin!"

Remus stood up and motioned to Peter, while James held his hand out for Lily to take.

"Alright, Evans. Let's see what you've got."

She couldn't help but accept the challenge in James' eyes and, grabbing his hand, grinned. "You're on."

They moved to the back of the room.

"Have you ever produced one?"

"Once or twice," James said casually.

Lily elbowed him. "Give me a break, Potter. These are difficult even for the most advanced wizards."

"You'll see," he shrugged. "It's a stag."

"Oh that's not fair," Lily protested. "That's your…" Animungus, she wanted to say, but couldn't. The guys still didn't know she knew about their monthly activities. Somehow, she had to figure out how to tell her boyfriend that she knew about his illegal transfiguration abilities, and soon.

Shaking off her dread, Lily thought furiously about her happiest memory and landed on the day she got her Hogwarts letter. She envisioned the turquoise mailbox in her parent's front yard, glinting in the sun. Her parents weren't really zoo-goers, so that day was the first time Lily had seen an owl in real life.

" _Mum, dad!" She'd sprinted up the path, screeching at the top of her ten-year old lungs. "There's an OWL! On our MAILBOX!"_

" _So there is, so there is." Her dad, ever affable, had ruffled her hair._

" _Don't get too close, dear," Jemima Evans warned. "It might bite."_

 _It had taken them a half an hour to gently shoo the owl away so they could check the mail. In hindsight, Lily felt quite sorry for the poor thing. How many houses had it been to that day, delivering school letters? It must have been exhausted._

" _LILY EVANS," the thick paper had proclaimed in fancy script. Opening that seal had opened a whole new world. Lily was, like Severus had told her so many times, a witch! And, she got to go to a special school just for kids like her!_

 _The stained glass of the castle windows came back into focus as Lily's happiness dimmed. Severus. He was such an integral part of that memory. She had run right over to his house, pausing to yell warily to make sure he was there first. Her parents had warned her several times to be_ safe _around Mr. Snape. Luckily, Severus had been home and they poured over their matching letters together at the playground. It was almost dark by the time Mr. Snape came and shouted nastily at Sev to "stop messin' around with yer bloody girlfriend and get on with the chores."_

Lily shook her head. She was supposed to be thinking about happy things, not the messed-up home life of Severus Snape. Ok, plan B. Once again, the mailbox came into her mind's eye, except that it was now bright orange. Her mother loved to paint it every summer, much to Petunia's horror. Lily had just gotten back from another day bagging groceries at the supermarket. Fun it was not, but it certainly wasn't stressful and she got to meet a variety of interesting people. Not bad for a summer job.

 _She was shuffling through the mail, looking for another letter from Marlene, when a thick off-white envelope caught her eye. It's a bit early for Hogwarts letters, she mused, ripping it open. The metal badge almost blinded her as she pulled it out. It took her a moment to realize exactly what it meant. Then, she was rushing through the door, squealing, face alight with joy._

" _Mum! Dad!"_

 _Of course it was Petunia that she encountered first. Her older sister glowered at her from her permanent spot next to the phone. "Stop being so loud. I'm waiting on_ _–_ _"_

" _A call from Vernon, I know." Lily rolled her eyes. Petunia was in a perpetual state of panic at not being married with 2.5 kids already, at the ancient age of 20._

 _Her mom wandered into the room. "Lily, what is it?"_

 _All thoughts of Petunia's potential matrimony fled, and Lily thrust her badge into her mom's face. "I got Head Girl!"_

 _Her mother smiled brilliantly, arms already reaching for a hug. "Harold! Get in here! Guess what your daughter did!"_

Lily had basked in her parent's joy and pride, reveling in the feeling of accomplishment. Of course, that afternoon she hadn't anticipated the students who would refuse to listen to her, as a muggle-born. Or those who would deliberately provoke her, hoping to prove her unworthiness as head girl. A few 7th years had even withdrawn, their parents furious that their precious pureblood would be under the authority of a mudblood. Once again, Lily felt her happiness dimming and sighed. Did she have _any_ untainted memories?

She looked over at James, his face a weird mix of concentration and joy. Remus was trying to coach Peter, who looked frustrated to tears. Sirius and Marlene were lounging comfortably in their row, deep in conversation. Smiling as she thought about their constant fight to claim the matchmaker title, Lily's mind went back to that October day.

 _They'd been in school a month_ , and so far James had been a great Head Boy. He'd learned the ropes fairly quickly, despite never having been a Prefect, and never shirked his responsibilities. Lily was impressed at how well he handled being the quidditch captain _and_ Head Boy, yet he still somehow found time to throw together the notorious Gryffindor after-parties and even play a few harmless pranks.

Except for the dramatic shoulder injury incident last year, Lily hadn't interacted much with James during 6th year. She'd watched from afar as he seemed to grow up and stop the harmful pranking and bullying that had bothered her so badly. Of course, their group still made all kinds of mischief and she suspected there would be a part of him that would never stop doing things like that, but it seemed to her that it wasn't _mean_ anymore. They'd even left Severus alone for the most part, unless he directly provoked them.

This year, Lily had gotten to know a different side of him than she'd ever seen before. It came out as they poured over the Prefect patrol schedules or as they walked back to the Head dormitory after a meeting. Wildly different than the obnoxiously arrogant, over-confident boy she thought she knew, James proved to be… kind and caring, even, dare she say, sweet. Of course he had her dying with laughter or trying not to murder him about 80% of the time they spent together, but in the other 20% he'd proven to be a genuinely decent bloke.

So, when Marlene randomly came down with the measles the night before their Hogsmeade trip, it wasn't _that_ much of a stretch that she would go with James and the guys… except that she was only going with James. Oh, and she had asked him out. On a date.

The Marauders had all been lounging in the private common area that joined the two Head dormitories (one of the few perks that came with the loads of responsibilities), when Lily had walked in and dramatically flopped down beside James.

"The first Hogsmeade trip of my last year at Hogwarts has been ruined. Absolutely ruined."

Rather than scooting over to give her more room, like a normal person, he man-spread even more and made sure their knees were touching. Lily tried not to be super-aware of this (it was impossible) and licked her lips nervously.

"It's because you've heard that I've already got four dates, isn't it." Sirius made a sympathetic noise from his position on floor. "You know I've got a six-month waiting list."

"Shove-off, Sirius," she grumbled, tossing a pillow at him. "Marlene has the measles."

He looked confused for a moment before his face cleared. "I… OH right. She told me she wasn't feeling great earlier. How is she?"

"Fine," Lily said slowly, wondering when they would have seen each other that day. "Just tired."

There was a short silence, then both Remus and Sirius seemed to move (and yell) at once.

"LET'S GO–"

"I THINK–"

They glanced at each other, both now standing awkwardly. Remus recovered his voice first, although not his tact. "We need to go somewhere… else."

Sirius nodded emphatically. "Yes. Right _now_ ," he added forcefully as Peter didn't budge from his place in the armchair.

"I'm too comfortable to move." Peter's whine turned into a wince when Sirius kicked his leg. "What was that for?"

"It was for being a bloody idiot, Wormtail."

Lily coughed into her fist, trying not to laugh at their antics. Her cheeks were burning and she could feel her heart racing as she glanced sideways at James. He looked a mixture of ecstatic and terrified, his knee now knocking rather violently into hers. She watched him swallow.

"All non-heads are being evicted, effective immediately." The joke fell somewhat flat as Remus and Sirius tried to simultaneously move Peter and give James subtle encouraging looks. Honestly, they were so obvious they could have encouraged a corpse.

"Alright, alright," Peter grumbled. "I'm going."

Remus and Sirius pushed him out the door and shut it firmly behind them. Lily bit her lip in the sudden silence.

"Was that…" she ventured, smiling nervously.

"It was exactly what you think it was." James assured her, shifting slightly on the sofa.

Lily glanced to the side and folded her legs underneath herself. "Ok…?" She hated that her voice was so uncertain, but she was terrified to know yet dying to see what would happen next. That intense look hadn't left James' face, and she took a breath as he began to speak.

"They're initiating a hostile take-over of Hogwarts."

Her breath left her with a whoosh. Annnnnd there it was.

"They just needed the heads out of the way," he continued with a grin.

She grinned back, despite herself. Was she disappointed? Surely not. She'd spent so long trying to get James to _stop_ asking her out. What was happening to her?

"Of course," she murmured.

There was another loaded silence as his grin faded and he turned to face her fully, opening his mouth to speak again. Suddenly even more terrified, Lily jumped to her feet.

"Well, I'm off to bed."

James clambered off the couch. "Lily–"

She turned her head, already halfway to the stairs. James stood in front of the fire, shirt coming up slightly as he ran his hand through his hair (she did _not_ need to think about the glimpse she caught of his fantastic abs the other day). The dying fire cast a warm glow on the cozy room. Various items of theirs were strewn about: Lily's sweater, James' fancy shoes that she always teased him about, her textbooks, his wizard's chess set. It struck her for the first time just how domestic this whole situation was. Who thought up this arrangement, anyways? she wondered.

Someone very sadistic, clearly.

"Yes?" She finally responded to his half-question, her voice far higher than usual.

He sighed explosively and gave her a weak smile. "Nothing, Lils. Goodnight."

"Night, James."

Her steps up the stairs were slow, and she mentally begged him to call out again. _Come on, James._ Immediately she started berating herself. _You are a strong, independent woman, Lily Evans A) You don't need a boyfriend. But also, B) IF you want him, ask him!_

She'd reached the landing between their rooms. Her hand was on her doorknob, he was half-turned away. It was now or never.

"James," she said tentatively, voice barely a whisper.

He whipped his head around so fast, she thought it would fly right off. "Yeah?"

 _Just do it, Lily. Ten seconds of courage. And, go._

"Come to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow?"

Her chest expanded painfully. Oh god, she'd just asked James Fleamont Potter on a date. _What have I done?_ It took her a few seconds to get the courage up to look at his face, which threatened to split under the weight of his massive grin. She sagged in relief.

"That was my line, Evans," he complained, running his hand through his hair again (that damn slice of skin was driving her to distraction...).

"I think you'll survive, Potter." She quirked her lips and tried to make it seem like she wasn't running away as she hurried into her room, slamming the door and throwing herself on to the bed. The whole time, mentally screaming. _I'm going out with James flipping Potter tomorrow! Oh my god._

She was up half the night deciding what to wear, and even considered a highly against-the-rules night-time visit to the 7th year girls dormitory for some fashion advice. In the end, she decided to go with her favorite jeans, a long-sleeved black tee, and her Gryffindor scarf. She didn't want to look like she was trying too hard.

The next day, James met her on the castle steps and it was hard to tell who had a bigger smile. All she knew was that at the end of the night, her cheeks hurt from smiling so hard, her hand was warm from James holding it all evening, and her heart was in serious danger.

"Expecto patronum!" Lily exclaimed, her heart bursting with the happiness necessary for the spell.

A white and silver light began to stream out of her wand, and the other students in Defense Against the Dark Arts turned to look as Lily's (apparently) happiest memory was embodied in physical form. A gorgeous doe leapt gracefully from her wand and bounded around the classroom. The elegant creature leapt from desk to desk and tossed her head in joyful abandon. Murmurs of amazement could be heard from the rest of the class, and Lily didn't blame them. She felt honored, as if the doe was a living, breathing thing that had chosen to bless Lily with her presence.

Lily hugged herself and sighed in sheer bliss, for once forgetting the constant struggle and fear that came with being a muggle-born in the wizarding world these days. For once, feeling like this was her place, this was her home. That she belonged. As Lily watched her elegant patronus in wonder and amazement, she vowed to do her part in protecting the muggle-borns place in the wizarding world. Wild dragons couldn't drag her away from this flawed, incredible, frustrating, amazing world she had somehow been lucky enough to join.

James had almost burst with pride when he saw the first silvery strands come out of Lily's wand. That pride had only continued as the strands grew stronger and the formed into a… _doe_. His mind blanked in shock. A line from the textbook (yes, he had actually done the reading for once) blinked at him like a neon sign: _A wizard or witches' patronus might change when he or she falls in love. In this case, the person who has a less-established patronus (i.e. has been able to cast the spell for a shorter amount of time) will find that their patronus' form has changed into that of the person they love._

Surely it wasn't a coincidence that Lily's patronus was a doe. James shook his head, wondering if this was some sort of wild dream. _Please don't wake up,_ he thought. It was obvious that his mates caught the significance of the doe. Sirius caught his eye and gave a double thumbs-up, winking obnoxiously. Remus tossed him a quick congratulatory look before turning back to help Peter, who was looking as frustrated as ever. It hadn't yet occurred to him yet, James thought.

He watched the doe come to a graceful stop and, if it had been more than a spell, Lily would have felt a velvety nuzzle. As it was, Lily giggled and ran her fingers through the silvery-white sparks. Should he reveal his patronus now, he wondered? Would she think it was weird and get freaked out? He debated for a split second before shrugging. Indecision had never been a problem for him.

James closed his eyes, the chilly castle steps that October morning coming immediately to mind. He'd been twenty minutes early – maybe the earliest he'd ever showed up for anything – and was pacing nervously. Would she show? Had it been some sort of horrible joke last night? But no, there she was, looking almost as nervous as he felt.

He was thankful she'd dressed casually; he'd briefly considered wearing his dress robes before he caught himself. _Idiot,_ admonished himself, _it's just a Hogsmeade date._ But it wasn't just a date. It was a date with _Lily Evans_ , the girl he'd been obsessed with since second year. He felt slightly sick to his stomach. What if he screwed this up?

She smiled at him and it was blinding. Merlin, she was beautiful. He grinned back, running his hand through his hair. Noticing her eyes flicker to his slightly-exposed stomach, he was suddenly grateful for the hours of quidditch practice.

"Alright, Evans?" He finally croaked, before clearing his throat.

"Potter," she greeted, eyes warm. Her hands tugged at the ends of her scarf, a nervous habit he wasn't sorry to see. I'm not the only one, he thought.

As they walked down the path, their hands bumped together. James glanced over and, seeing her look down toward their hands, grabbed hers. Instant nirvana. He, James Potter, was holding the hand of Lily Evans _on a date_. That she had asked him out on!

A bark sounded from the forest and Lily frowned into the underbrush.

"Was that a _dog_?"

Hoping his laugh was only slightly hysterical, James shook his head. "Why would there be a dog in the Dark Forest?" _Get the fuck out of here, Padfoot._

Something worked behind her eyes, and she nodded slowly. "Right. Of course."

Desperate to change the subject, James tugged at her hand. "I wasn't going to tell you what I have planned, but the suspense is killing me so I'm going to anyways."

Her face brightened. "Planned? Potter, I'm impressed."

 _Whew, no pressure._ He took a breath. _Here goes nothing_. "Well it's pretty chilly, so I thought we could warm up with a drink at the Three Broomsticks."

Lily nodded. "Sounds delightful, as long as we get some actual alcohol."

Jaw agape, James stared at his goody two-shoes, under drinking-age date. "Lily Evans!"

Her cheeks colored. "What! I'm sure you and the guys have–"

"Obviously, but I wouldn't have expected it of little miss perfect here." He eyed her appreciatively. Maybe she really _was_ the perfect girl. "Oh it was Marlene, wasn't it?"

Lily huffed out a breath. "Why does everyone think that? No, it was my idea thank you very much."

"Sirius told me about the rat thing last year. Hilarious."

Smiling nostalgically, she sighed. "That was such a good one."

 _It was especially good when we finished it,_ James thought with no small amount of pride. After Avery's attack on Lily, him and Sirius had charmed a good portion of the rats in the castle to only poop in the Slytherin common room. It took them three smelly weeks to figure out what the problem was. Of course he'd given a heads-up to Finlay so his girlfriend could arrange to stay with friends in Hufflepuff for a while.

"So after drinks…" she prompted, her hand tightening in his.

"I thought we could go flying." His voice wavered the slightest bit. What if she hated the idea? He'd only imagined her flying with him since second year. "You could either borrow one of the practice quidditch brooms or…" he swallowed. "Just get on mine."

There was a short silence, in which James died a million times. _What a stupid idea, I can't believe you asked that-_

"James Fleamont Potter," she finally responded, eyes obnoxiously wide. "Are you asking me to mount your broomstick?" She put a hand over her mouth. "The scandal!"

"At least I'm buying you a drink first." He winked down at her, relieved beyond belief.

The drinks had been amazing; a slightly drunk Lily was a treasure he looked forward to experiencing over and over again in the future. But it was flying over the lake with her that was his happiest memory, the sparkling water zooming by below, nothing but the cloudless sky above. Her arms were wrapped tightly around James' waist, head resting against his back. They flew above the looming war, above the muggle-born prejudice, above their worries about the future. All that mattered was _this_ moment with _this_ girl.

"Expecto patronum!"

His stag, a massive creature made of solid muscle and thick horns, burst from his wand. He bound around the room a few times before making his way quickly to Lily's doe. James looked around, having seen his patronum quite a few times now. Lily was staring at the stag and doe, who were cautiously beginning to interact. The shock on her face told him that she too, read the chapter. Sirius, Marlene, and Remus were grinning their heads off, not even pretending to practice anymore.

Professor Thimble practically skipped toward them, he was so excited. "Strong patronus spells!" he proclaimed. "Excellent job, Evans, Potter. You can see that once embodied, the spells can interact with their environment. Bridget, how is this useful?"

"They can send messages, professor," she answered.

"Exactly. Full-bodied patronuses can be used to lead another wizard to your location and even send rudimentary messages. Of course, they can't talk, but some messages can be portrayed without words." He turned back to Lily and James. "Well done! 20 points to Gryffindor. Keep practicing, everyone."

A few cheers sounded, along with some boos. It was only a few weeks until the House Cup would be awarded and everyone was sensitive to points being given right now. Twenty minutes later, Professor Thimble told everyone to take their seats.

Peter was still off in the corner, pointing his wand and muttering furiously. The slight scowl on his face turned into full-blown rage as he tried and failed to do the spell again. Remus noticed what was happening and said something to calm him down, and the two sat down at the desks. Peter didn't acknowledge Lily or James when they slid past to sit down as well.

James widened his eyes at Remus, nodding toward their friend in a silent question. He shrugged. Sirius, who had the least patience out of them all, rolled his eyes.

"I know you guys are talking about me," Peter said sullenly, his cheeks flushed.

Remus put out a calming hand. "No one said a word, mate."

" _I know._ It's what we always do to people we're talking about," Peter shot back. "I _am_ still one of you, in case you forgot."

"Of course not, you imbecile." Sirius shook his head and leaned back, draping his arm over the chair. Marlene scooted away from him.

"I just–" Peter's response was cut-off as Thimble called the class to attention.

Lily leaned over and squeezed Peter's shoulder. James noticed him flinch before he caught himself and gave her a tight smile. What was going on with his friend? He'd tried to get him to talk about whatever was bothering him a few times this year, and each time had been shut down. Girl problems, he assumed. Or maybe the stress of everything was getting to him. Graduation was so close, and Peter had yet to find a job. He didn't have the excuse of being muggle-born or a werewolf, like Lily and Remus, and was also not independently wealthy like James and Sirius. James figured he'd get some low-level position in the ministry.

Whatever was bothering him, Peter wasn't sharing and it was frustrating the crap out of his friends. It was becoming less and less fun to spend time with him; they'd already hung out a few times without him just to avoid the stress. Lily had admonished them to hang out with Peter several times and had even tried to herself. Peter wouldn't have any of it.

As Thimble finished the lesson and they filed out of class, James promised himself that he'd try again tomorrow. No matter what it was, Peter would always be one of them.


	11. Chapter 10: Play that Blink 182 Song

_Present Day_

"Where the fuck did you bring us, Evans?"

James' muttered comment almost made her smile as the rows of obnoxiously tidy single-family homes slid by. The neighborhood shouted "respectable," and as she finally turned her Rover right onto Privet Drive, Lily couldn't help but shudder.

It had taken her weeks to get Petunia's new address for Lily's emergency contact page when she'd landed her position at the bar. Weeks of ignored messages, then hang-ups, which progressed to whispered pleas and outright screaming. Finally, it took Lily's promise to never contact Petunia _ever again_ , _ever_ , to pry one little number and a street name out of her estranged sister.

It's not like she hadn't had anyone – Padmil was her other emergency contact and Lily knew she could rely on her friend. There was just something about having family on that page, though. Surly Petunia would want to know if she'd died, right? Of course she would, Lily had told herself firmly. She had almost believed herself, too. Now, as she put the Rover in park outside of number four Privet Drive, Lily fervently hoped that Petunia had softened a bit over the years.

"Why are we here again?"

Lily watched Remus stretch lazily through the rearview mirror, managing to keep it down to just one quick glance at the other occupant of the backseat. The guys had finally agreed to drive when she threw a fit about leaving her car behind. Something told her she wasn't going to be back in Edinburgh anytime soon, and the thought of being without Muggle transportation was appalling. She needed another exit strategy, she'd told herself.

"I just need to give her a heads-up. If someone's after me…" she answered Remus' question evasively, letting the sentence hang.

A deep, fortifying breath, and then another. Still, she couldn't force herself to open the car door. "I can do this," she murmured, loosening her white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.

"Hey. We're with you."

The kind, understanding tone and comforting hand from the backseat almost made her come undone. After three hours of nothing but silence and sarcasm, hearing _her_ James was almost too much.

"I know," she replied tightly, resting her forehead on the steering wheel. "It's just… she hasn't changed."

Sirius made a whistling noise through his teeth and looked up from doing god-knows-what on her phone. "Even after what happened with your parents?"

Lily nodded slowly. "That night she, ah, she yelled at me. Kind of attacked me, actually," she added laughing humorlessly. "They modified her memory before left."

"Your fucking sister." She could hear James' fingers drumming on the window ledge, marking out a furious tattoo. He let out an explosive breath. "Is she still with that lump?"

"Lump?" Sirius asked, sliding Lily's phone back in her pocket. She didn't trust the self-satisfied smirk that went along with it and made a mental note to inspect the device closely the next time she had a chance.

"Oh you'll like him," James practically purred.

Lily's eyes shot to the rearview mirror at the pure wickedness in his voice and she gave him a warning glare. " _James._ "

Sirius rubbed his hands together. "Well let's get on with it, then! Onwards, Lilliputian!"

Rolling her eyes, she opened the door and then paused. "Be nice. Petunia won't talk to me if you're off torturing Vernon."

They gave her semi-serious nods (that was the best she would get, from that crew) and they made their way up the perfectly manicured path. It was mid-morning on a fairly warm Saturday in November, so the neighbors were out and about washing their already-clean cars and mowing their militantly short lawns. She could feel the weight of their stares as they eyed (and judged) the four of them. Lily was in her leggings and oversized grey sweater, a dusty pink scarf carelessly thrown around her neck. She alone would've been fine, but Remus didn't help things with his shaggy hair, holey jeans, and ragged Star Wars t-shirt. Throw in Sirius' unapologetically black outfit – from leather jacket to motorcycle boots – and James' untamable hair, Puddlemere United t-shirt, and too-well-fitting jeans… they made quite the scene in that neighborhood.

As if she sensed that something wasn't perfectly _normal_ in her perfectly ordinary driveway, Petunia Dursley stuck her head through the curtains, eyes narrow as she scanned the lawn. It wasn't hard to see the exact moment she spotted them. Her eyes popped comically wide, and the look of complete and utter horror that suffused her face would have been hilarious had Lily not been intimately acquainted with the reason behind it.

Lily took a steadying breath. _Here goes nothing._

James watched Lily's shoulders tense at Petunia's look of shock and horror, and, not for the first time, he wanted to shake some sense into the woman. You're supposed to be her sister, he thought, the person that accepts her without condition. God, if Sirius ever treated him like that… James balled his hands into fists in an effort to resist reaching for Lily's hand as they walked toward the looming door.

Petunia's thin nose, a haughty brown eye, and a horrible floral housecoat was all they could see through the two-inch crack that appeared.

"What are you doing here?" she hissed, looking nervously toward her Muggle neighbors behind them.

Lily held up a placating hand. "Tuny, I just need to "

" _Don't_ call me that. What do you want?"

"Can we just come in?"

The woman looked at them incredulously. "Absolutely not. I should have never given you this address, you freak."

James stilled. "Excuse me?" he questioned, his voice dangerously quiet.

Remus pushed his way to the front of the group, knocking Lily into James. He ignored the need to hold her and stepped away instead, avoiding Sirius' accusing eyes. Lily's defensive shoulder-hunch made him hate himself, and he was relieved when Sirius stepped forward to put a comforting arm around her.

"Petunia! We've met before, I'm sure you remember?" Remus' booming voice made them all wince.

She went even more pale (James didn't know it was possible to be that pale and still breathing) and opened the door another inch. " _Go away_."

James watched Lily shrink into herself even more and wondered if they should just go. Remus had that devilish look on his face they all got when they were playing a prank. He wondered what his friend had in mind until he saw Remus' eyes flick to the nosy neighbors, who were now doing their yard work conveniently closer to number four. One pink-robed fellow was watering the air, his gaze riveted to the strange visitors invading their street.

Well, if he couldn't comfort Lily, at least he could make her sister uncomfortable. It had been one of his favorite games, back in the day. James stretched his arms out and flexed his hands, like he was going in for a bear hug, grinning widely.

"PETUNIA! IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YOU!"

His roar made the neighbors give up any pretense of tactful snooping as they all dropped what they were doing to stare. Petunia's head jerked back into her neck like a turtle, lips pressed together in a furious white line.

"Fine," she whispered. "You have ten "

"Who the devil is at the door?"

The indignant cry from inside the house made James turn and wink at Sirius. "Lump alert," he muttered. "Enjoy."

"FU " he swallowed his curse as Lily's heel slammed onto his toe.

Vernon Dursley's red face, as round as his wife's was pointed, materialized behind Petunia, darkening as it took in the group on his doorstep.

"Get them inside before someone sees."

"Too late," Sirius informed him cheerfully, giving a friendly wave to the neighbors.

They filed in, James' fist closing around his wand as the man began snapping his fingers for them to go faster. Knowing him too well, Lily put her hand on his wand arm without even looking at him. He took a breath. Why _did_ she want to come to this godforsaken place, he wondered as they walked down an obnoxiously yellow hallway.

"Who do you think lives in there?" Sirius laughed, pointing to a cupboard under the stairs.

Completely done at this point, James just shook his head. Who the fuck knew, with these people. They came into a sitting room done entirely in yet another awful floral pattern. Petunia and Vernon hovered by the fireplace and didn't invite them to take a seat.

Ignoring the obvious hint, Sirius threw himself onto their small couch, settling in with a loud sigh. James took a seat as well, glaring at Vernon. Remus stood by Lily, who was staring at her sister with a heartbreaking, horrified expression. What now?

"Petunia, can I speak to you privately?" Her voice was strangled.

Vernon started sputtering indignantly until his wife held up a hand. "It's fine," she said stonily. "Whatever will get them to leave faster."

As Petunia led Lily into the kitchen, James finally smiled. "So, Vernon," he began with relish, "did your best man ever get rid of his curly little problem?"

Lily looked at her sister's orderly home in a daze as they walked through to the kitchen. _Would I have spent a lot of time here, if things were different?_ Once upon a time she and Petunia had been inseparable. And now… she glanced at her sister's slightly swollen stomach, feeling her own sink.

"Are you _pregnant_?"

Petunia's folded her arms over her stomach protectively. "Why are you here?"

Lily's jaw dropped. "You are! I can't believe you didn't tell me!"

"Oh, you can't believe?" Petunia hissed, eyes flashing. "Well, I can't believe my own sister got our parents killed. I can't believe I'm related to such a _freak_."

Fuck, that hurt. No matter how much she steeled herself and quelled her optimism, her sister's rejection killed her every time. She huffed out a breath and set her shoulders.

"Fine. I didn't come here just to bother you. I need..." As she stared at her sister's protective hands resting on her belly, the gravity of the situation hit her in a wave. She hadn't let herself think about it much, but the thought that she might, someday, carry a life inside her, James' _child_ … It was like a mother bear roared to life inside of her, and Lily realized in that moment that she'd do literally anything to save their prophesied child. If she had to lie to and manipulate her sister in the process, so be it.

Petunia raised her eyebrows expectantly.

"I'm pregnant." Lily copied her sister's movements and folded her hands over her belly, hoping her lie was convincing. "James doesn't know yet," she added quickly.

Her expression softening slightly (must have been the hormones), Petunia nodded. "What do you need?"

Lily swallowed, letting her very real desperation and fear leach into her voice. Petunia tried to jerk away as Lily grasped her by the arms. "I need you to promise me that if James and I die…"

Petunia was already shaking her head "no," and Lily gripped her arms harder. "If my child is brought to you…"

She wrenched away. "Stop _saying_ that, Lily!"

"Promise me you'll raise them like your own. _Please._ "

The two women stared at one another from across the kitchen. Petunia, furious and confused, defensive of her family and way of life. Lily, desperate and shaking, begging for her family.

"I don't want any trouble," Petunia admitted, her eyes darting toward the sitting room. "Vernon doesn't know how mum and dad died. I don't want to put my family in danger."

Finally, Lily saw the terror in Petunia's eyes. They both just wanted the best for the people they loved, she realized. It hurt like a mother to realize that Petunia's version of that didn't include her.

"You'll be safe," she vowed. "As far as the wiz " she paused as Petunia made a strangled noise. "As far as _my world_ knows, you don't want to have anything to do with me. No one knows we're here. What I'm asking you might not even be necessary. Hell, I hope it isn't. Do you think I want my child to be raised in this piece of suburban hell?"

Petunia jerked back like she'd been slapped. Realizing her anger was getting the best of her, Lily swallowed. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I'm scared, Tuney. I want to protect my child just like you want to protect yours. Promise me you'll help. That's all I want."

A few long moments passed as Petunia looked down at her growing belly, contemplating who-knows-what. Shoulders heavy with failure, Lily started to turn toward the sitting room when her sister finally spoke, almost under her breath.

"They were always so proud of you."

The naked pain and grief in her expression made Lily's eyes fill with tears.

"Our wonderful witch," she quoted, giving a proud little shoulder shake just like their mum used to do. "They would sit there at dinner wondering what you were doing that moment at that freakish school. It was always about you – Lily this, and Lily that. 'Oh! Look at the letter Lily sent! By owl!'" Petunia snorted derisively. "It didn't matter what I was doing in school. Who I was dating. All I heard about was precious _James Potter_."

"You know they were proud of you too," Lily denied, shaking her head. "Their letters to me were filled with all the stuff you were doing. I loved hearing about it."

"And then, we lost them," Petunia continued as if she hadn't spoken. "You got them killed. Their wonder-girl got them _murdered_." Her face was twisted in an ugly, bitter way Lily had never seen, before it crumpled. "They'll never get to meet my baby. Mum will never hold her grandchild."

A pained noise was all Lily could manage and she reached out, desperate for some kind of connection to her own sister. Petunia backed away, shaking her head.

"I miss them. God, I miss them. And I'll never forgive you."

A throat cleared from the hall and both women jumped, yanked out of their own painful little world. James' face was hard as he took them in.

"I know you're Lily's sister, Petunia. I know she loves you, even if the feeling is not mutual. But if I ever hear you blame her for your parent's death ever again, I will make your life miserable."

Petunia had bowed her head at James' harsh words, but it snapped up again at his threat. Her hand flew to her chest. "Well I have never been so offended in my entire life."

James stepped forward, getting into her space. "She came here to _warn_ you about what's happening, to do you a favor. And this is how you thank her?"

Thank god, he hadn't heard too much. Lily swallowed and silently begged Petunia not to spill the beans. Apparently there was some shred of sisterly kindness left in her, because she nodded slowly before pointing to the door.

"Get out."

Lily tensed and started to ask her to _please fucking promise her_ , but before she could open her mouth, Petunia looked her in the eye.

"I promise. Don't come back here."

Lily held her gaze for a moment longer. She saw the honesty she needed, the devotion to family duty that might one day protect her child.

" _Thank you_." Tears now streaming down her face, Lily nodded at Petunia's stomach. "And congratulations."

James head felt like it was going to explode as he put his arm around Lily and guided her out of the house. Vernon marched behind a very confused Remus and Sirius, likely to make sure they hadn't lifted the silver.

He motioned for Sirius to drive (he was the only one who had his Muggle license, out of the three of them) and pushed Lily gently into the backseat. James followed her in and Remus awkwardly got into the front seat, his expression clearly asking _what the hell_ James thought he was doing.

"What happened back there?"

Lily was wiping her eyes, already trying to pull herself together and he was so damn proud of the person she was. Not many would give the time of day to that monster of a sister.

"She's pregnant," Lily explained flatly, her voice not inviting any more discussion.

James' heart gave a painful lurch. _Oh god_. He tried not to think about the many conversations they'd had about their future kids while they were together. Harry, for a boy. Lily didn't want to name her child Harold – it sounded like an old man's name, she thought – but she still wanted to honor her dad. For a girl, Iris, to continue the flower naming tradition. James had fervently hoped their kids would have Lily's amazing hair, not his untamable mop.

The sense of loss concerning a child they would never have almost brought James to his knees. _Get a grip_ , he told himself. His ever-defiant mind flew back to _that_ night. They'd had sex, after all. Despite their whispered, hurried conversation about birth control and STD's (those oh-so-romantic topics), it could still happen. He immediately began stressing out and wondering how in the world he was going to ask his ex-girlfriend if her period had come yet. _Fuck._

Sirius pulled away from the curb and James cast about for some way to lighten up the situation and get his mind off the what-if's.

"Let's talk about the topic of 'precious James Potter,' coming up at your family's dinner table," he suggested, forcing levity into his voice.

"Oh, Petunia," Lily lamented. He was glad to see her laughing a bit.

"Is that our new curse word? I like it." Sirius tossed back. "I have to say, Lilybells, I didn't think any family could be worse than mine, but you give me a run for my galleons, that's for sure."

"You could've stayed in the car," she groused, hand reaching forward to ruffle his hair fondly. "Besides, I'm sure you had an excellent time with Vernon."

"Oh, Vernon. Maybe that could be another curse word in our little repertoire."

Lily smiled reluctantly. "At least no one gained a tail, this time."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Remus, of all people, winked from the front seat.

There was a stunned moment of silence before they all burst into laughter. Sure that she was going to be ok, James shifted away from Lily. They couldn't risk it, he reminded himself. He refused to let her die for some stupid prophecy.

" _I miss you… I miss you…_ "

They all jumped as the Blink 182 song shouted obnoxiously from the speakers. Sirius glanced back apologetically, his guilty hand on the radio dial. James felt Lily's glance, but wouldn't meet her eyes. The joking mood in the car evaporated as everyone looked awkwardly out the window.

He switched seats with Remus at the petrol station after a whispered conversation outside the restroom.

"What the hell are you doing, James?" Moony's hands arms were crossed, feet planted wide.

Remus was almost as protective of Lily as she was of him. God knew he should be, after all the times she'd helped him after his transformations.

"There's something I need to tell you, I just haven't had the chance," he tried to explain, sighing as Sirius impatiently waved them down from the car. "I'm not just a heartless asshole, I'm doing this for a reason. I need to stay away from her."

"Right. Tell me later. But don't yank her around. She's in enough pain as it is."

"I know."

 _Where you can always find me,_

 _We'll have Halloween on Christmas,_

 _And in the night we'll wish this never ends,_

 _We'll wish this never ends._

 _._

 _4 Years Ago…_

Her lungs felt like they were on fire. Lily doubled over, sucking in one torturous breath, and then another, even as she frantically tried to quiet her own breathing. He was out there. Listening for her, sniffing for her. Hunting her.

It was far more than the chilly air that made her shiver and hunch her shoulders, eyes flickering desperately around her for any movement. She hadn't heard the bone-chilling howl in some time – had it been one minute, five, ten? Time had lost all meaning. The only things Lily could think about were simple: life and death.

She'd give anything to rewind that evening…

"You're freaking out."

"I _am not_ ," Lily protested, running her hands over her lavender lace bridesmaid dress for the millionth time. "It's just that I have to look perfect for–"

James put his hands over hers and stopped their downward progress. Their eyes met through the mirror standing next to Lily's closet, and she gave him a shaky smile as he bent his head to whisper in her ear.

"You always look perfect."

She couldn't help the delighted shiver that ran down her spine. _God, she was lucky,_ Lily thought as she leaned into his kiss.

An indeterminable amount of time later they made their way down from Gryffindor Tower.

"Oy!" Sirius pounded James' back as he caught up with them on a moving stairwell, jumping from the landing just in time.

Staggering back a step, James pretended to push him off.

"Hey! I need my wedding date looking pristine for tomorrow, thank you," Lily chided. " _Not_ splattered at the bottom of a tower."

James winced at the mental image but soon rallied. "She thinks I'm pristine," he preened at Sirius, who promptly resumed pushing.

Lily pinned them with a glare. "I'll be pushing both of you off these stairs if you don't get back here by nine tomorrow. Petunia will _kill me_ if I'm late."

"I'll drag 'em all back Lilyfin," Serius promised over his shoulder as he jumped lightly down to the next landing. This one was stationary, Lily was glad to see. Seven years and that was still one of the things she couldn't get used to.

They made it to the bottom of the tower (no clean-up required) and into the castle quad. Remus and Peter jumped up from their seats on the stone balustrade and hurried to meet them.

Looking at the four of them in their black hoodies and beanies, Lily couldn't believe she'd missed it. Tonight was the night that one of her best friends in the world would go through the horrific pain of transformation and the even more horrific guilt afterward. It was also the night that her boyfriend and two of her other best friends would risk their lives, not to mention prison time, to make sure Remus didn't hurt himself or anyone else.

She dismissed the sudden shiver of dread that coursed through her. It was just a regular full-moon. They'd done it countless times without mishap over the years. Her temper flared, an irrational surge of anger at Petunia for picking _this weekend_ , of all weekends.

"Give me two, guys. I'll be right there."

Lily leaned into James as he waved the trio on ahead of them before wrapping her in a hug. "Do me a favor, Lily," he said into her ear.

Pulling back slightly, she searched his suddenly serious gaze. "What is it?"

"Stay in the castle tonight."

She bristled slightly – Lily had never been one to take limitations well – before reminding herself that he was just trying to protect her from the werewolf otherwise known as their friend.

When they'd first started dating, James sat her down and told her that one night out of every month he went on a trip with the guys. Although she obviously pressed him, James refused to say what it was about, only that it was really important to him and that some day she would know. In the meantime, he'd said, it wasn't his secret to tell. Knowing full well what they got up to those nights, Lily had guiltily agreed not to question him. Now, when that full-moon came around, she tortured herself trying to get up the nerve to tell him that she knew. How do you casually bring up that you know your boyfriend's deepest secret, she wondered?

Tonight, as it had for the last eight full-moons, her courage failed her once again. Lily forced a smile and gave her boyfriend a squeeze.

"Alright. I don't even have patrol tonight so the only thing I'll be doing tonight is studying for that stupid potions quiz." she complained, watching with satisfaction as James' shoulders relaxed.

He kissed the top of her head, his mind already on the night ahead. "I'll see you in the morning, Lils."

"Love you, James. Be safe, guys."

Sirius made kissing noises in response, his obnoxiousness making up for Remus' barely-there smile and Peter's stiff nod. Lily knew this night was hard on all of them.

 _I can help you,_ she shouted silently to their retreating backs. _You don't have to do this by yourselves._

Lily turned toward the Great Hall with a sigh, mentally reviewing her plans for the night. Dinner with Marlene, and oh she should probably study for that Arithmancy exam… Mind racing, she almost slammed into the still figure in front of her.

"Going somewhere, mudblood?"

 _Not tonight_ , she lamented. The Slytherin Prefect was a master at being perfectly decent in front of professors and other adults in authority, and perfectly awful as soon as their backs were turned. He was a constant headache, and she was sick at dealing with him.

"To the library, actually." Lily shot him a doubtful look. "Have you heard of it? Lots of books, shelves..."

For once Avery refused to take the bait and just scowled at her. "People like you shouldn't even be allowed in the castle, much less in the library. Anyways, I came to tell you that I need to switch the patrol schedule."

Well that sounded... reasonable. Taken aback, Lily didn't answer for a moment.

"Hello? Did you hear me?" Avery demanded.

"Oh, ah, right. When?"

"Tonight." He cleared his throat, averting his eyes. "I need to study for that potions exam." His voice was just the right amount of embarrassed to convince her that he was telling the truth.

He didn't bother waiting for her to agree before nodding briskly and stalking away toward the dungeons. Lily couldn't help but be hopeful, despite herself. Maybe some of her efforts were working.

Several hours later, she cursed herself for being so naïve. Of course Avery would conveniently have to "study" (she seriously doubted he even knew what the word meant) the night that Regulus decided to take a stroll. At midnight. Toward the Forbidden Forest. Alone.

After alerting a house-elf so that McGonagall would know, she sped toward the castle doors. James' warnings flashed through her mind as she slipped through, throwing a mental half-apology his way. She'd never been one to follow directions well, anyways. As she reached the tree-line, a strangled yell from the darkness spurred her on. He may have been Sirius' brother, but if that little twerp was doing something to put Hogwarts in danger…

Her tiny light, more like a spark than a proper flame, lit just the area in front of her feet. She'd tried to let her eyes adjust, but had been tripping more than doing any actual looking. Flinching at every random sound from the forest, Lily cursed herself for the millionth time as she realized just how deep into the forest she'd gotten.

It wasn't until the fourth howl that she realized the bone-shivering sound was getting closer. A fifth howl confirmed her suspicions, and several distinct facts occurred to her. First, it was a full moon. Second, one of her best friends was a freaking werewolf. Third… she should run. Now.

She made her light brighter and sprinted toward the castle. Thumping footsteps (paw steps?) sounded behind her, an ominous tattoo that began to outpace even the speedy beating of her own heart. There was a crash, and something whooshed over her head. Lily scrambled to a stop, narrowly missing running full-tilt into a magnificent stag. _James,_ she hoped, she prayed.

A furious bark to her left informed her that yes, her friends had joined her. She sagged in relief momentarily, only to stiffen as the crashing behind her didn't stop. _Remus_.

She barely registered the stag and wolf leaping in front of her, hackles up, ready to fight. What could only be described as a monster charged through the trees toward them. It ( _he,_ Lily reminded herself fiercely) was a hulking, snarling mass of fur and fury. Fur the same color as Remus' hair covered a body that was easily five times his size. Hating herself even as she did it, she scrambled back toward the trees. The stag threw her a look that plainly said, "run, you idiot." About to obey, she stopped as she realized what James and Sirius were about to do.

"No!" Her scream drew the attention of the werewolf. She would _not_ let Remus rip apart his best friends. "That's right," she encouraged, voice shaky but still there, "look at me. You want me."

The dog growled low in his throat and the stag gave an enraged shake of his antlers. The werewolf seemed to become a bit confused, looking between the three easy choices of prey. They all tensed as his head swung with eerie finality toward Lily.

Finally, her brain came un-frozen and she began firing spell after spell at the creature. Nothing that would do permanent damage, obviously, just enough to stun. At least… that was the hope. The lump in her throat grew tighter as he continued his advance, ignoring the dog and stag going crazy trying to distract him. _No one wants to hurt you_ , she pleaded mentally. _Just stop_.

Lily could feel the heat from his body as the werewolf crouched low, getting ready to make the final leap to annihilate its prey. Suddenly, it reared back, clawing at its eyes. Lily laughed slightly hysterically as she recognized the tiny form that had decided to try its luck at becoming a furry wolf blindfold. This time she followed the stag's stern nod and began again her sprint toward safety.

She'd almost made it to the tree line when it happened. A wolf's yelp of pain, a stag's grunt of defeat, a rat's squeak of panic, and then… silence. She doubled over, trying to quiet her heaving breaths, listening, listening for the friend that wanted to rip her to shreds. Then, she heard it. The tell-tale crack of branches behind her, announcing her death. Slowly, Lily turned, heartbeat in her throat. _James_ , was all she could think before the massive shadow leapt. Then, she couldn't think anything at all.


	12. Chapter 11: That Tattoo on your Shoulder

**Author's Note:**

I have NOT abandoned this, I promise! It's just slow going w/ life happening Hope you all enjoy!

 _Present Day_

It was half past ten. Lily stared out of the backseat window, grateful that Sirius could drive but wishing she had something to concentrate on. All she wanted to do was sleep but every time she closed her eyes, all she could see was Petunia's tiny baby bump, her bony hands protectively warding Lily – her own sister – away. Not that she blamed her, Lily thought with a _hmmph_. All Lily Evans seemed to bring people was pain, pain, and more pain. On that thought, she chanced a glance into the rearview mirror, only to meet a pair of hazel eyes that mirrored her own despair.

Her eyes darted away, landing on a sleeping Remus. He was twitching and muttering in his sleep, left foot thumping restlessly on the floor. Not for the first time she wondered how much rest and, frankly, food he was getting. While James and Sirius had filled out nicely since their Hogwarts days, Remus had seemed to grow only upward. Sirius seemed deep in thought, an uncharacteristic frown darkening his face. At a loss, Lily unlocked her phone and scrolled through her social media feed. Nothing from Padmil and Charlie, although she didn't expect them to pop back up as if everything was fine. She kept scrolling until she absentmindedly stopped on one of those dumb Buzzfeed quizzes. "What phase of the moon matches your personality?" She leaned forward.

"Hey guys, listen to – " A strangled yelping sound interrupted her as Remus sat straight up and furiously rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

" _What time is it_?"

James and Sirius looked back toward his urgent voice in confusion, before identical expressions of sheer horror lit their faces. Lily blanched as well, realizing immediately what was happening.

"Shit! Where can we go?"

"My flat's too far!"

"Can we find a forest?"

Their voices rose frantically, tripping over one another as their minds sought a solution to the massive conundrum they were in: stuck in a very small space with a very real werewolf. On a full moon. _T minus 85 minutes and counting_ , Lily thought grimly. _Fuck._

"Ok everyone, _breathe_." It was James, of course. "We don't have broomsticks. We can't apparate because the fucking ministry is watching everyone's movements. There's the emergency portkey at my flat, that would get us to the Forbidden Forest, but – "

"We won't make it," Sirius interrupted. "Who knows what traffic is like, and if we hit any we're completely screwed."

 _Us and half the city,_ was what went unspoken, but they all thought it.

Remus' head was in his hands, shoulders slumped. Lily reached over and rubbed his back, trying to give what little comfort she could. _Don't think about it,_ she ordered herself. Don't think about those frail-looking muscles under her fingers rippling, stretching, growing into a massive wall of muscle, his thin arms growing to five or six times their size, the strength of which she knew all too well.

She shook her head forcefully and followed James' advice, looking out the window for some kind of solution. To her surprise the area was slightly familiar, almost as if she'd seen it before. In fact she specifically remembered that halal shop with the rainbow neon sign… What in the world? Lily knew the route they were taking and they shouldn't have gone through anywhere she would recognize. Finally, it hit her.

"Grimauld Place." Her voice was quiet, knowing that Sirius would absolutely hate it. But, desperate times and all that, right?

His fingers, which had been drumming frantically against the steering wheel, stilled. "You stalking me, Evans?" His voice was light and teasing, but held a definite edge.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Listen, you can interrogate me once we've figured out how to not get-," she glanced at Remus, softening her voice. "How to deal with this."

"Just say it," Remus shot back uncharacteristically. "How to not get fucking ripped to shreds by a fucking werewolf."

James nodded slowly at Lily's suggestion, grudgingly, knowing what it would cost his friend to return to his childhood house of horrors. "Sirius – "

"I know," he snapped. "I'll survive one fucking night there."

They were all thrown to the side as Sirius jerked the car off its path and onto a side street. The antique lampposts of the stately old neighborhood sped by, along with the cars chugging along at what you might call a "normal" speed.

"I can't believe I forgot," Remus moaned miserably. "Normally I'm close to a place where I can manage but with everything happening…" his voice trailed off.

"None of us remembered either. We'll figure this out together, Moony." James' face was cast into harsh shadow, eyes deep sockets of gloom.

Finally the car came to a screeching halt along a row of wrought-iron fronted, imposing homes. Lily was slightly amused to note that not only did the houses around the Black family home expand on demand, the street did as well just in case the discerning wizard had a vehicle to park. She threw open the Rover door, almost knocking down a late-night jogger before the four of them charged into Grimmauld Place. A single gas flame lit the entry hall, sheet-covered Black family portraits looming over whomever might be unfortunate enough to visit.

"Kreacher!" Sirius bellowed, shoulders tense. "Better get the creeptastic old thing out where we can see – ah, there you are."

The ancient house elf appeared seemingly out of nowhere, pointy fingers steepled toward his master. "Kreacher is at the service of the noble House of Black, master."

"Yeah, whatever. We need to use the old wards in one of the upstairs rooms." He thought for a moment, eyeing the stairs darkly. "Mother's room if possible."

Kreacher's head tilted, clearly trying to figure out the situation, before his gaze landed on Remus. His wrinkly eyes were suddenly saucers as he clutched at his chest dramatically. "Not Mistress' room! Not for the filthy werewolf!"

"That's _enough_ out of you!" The venom in Sirius' voice was enough to shut Kreacher up, for the moment.

"Come on. We only have a half hour." Lily tugged at Remus' arm and nodded toward the stairs.

"Just so you know," Remus said conversationally as they hiked up the gloomy staircase, _lumos_ lighting the way, "there's no way in hell I'm laying in Sirius' mother's bed for this event."

James snorted into his fist. "Even as a werewolf, I think you're aware enough to realize how bloody disgusting that would be."

"It would only give you more reason to want to escape," Sirius quipped. "Not to worry, the room is already in complete shambles. Not even sure the bed is there, actually. Sir Creepsalot used to keep it as if she might come back any day, god forbid." He shuddered. "Let's just say I was fed up with that, one night, and shall we say…" he swept open the door with a flourish as he finished, "did some damage."

Sure enough, the room looked like a warzone. Every bit of fabric from the curtains to the pillowcases had been shredded. There was no piece of furniture left unbroken, no painting left intact. Lily could feel James' breath on the back of her neck as he huffed out a small laugh.

"Looks like your work's been done for you, Mooney. This is worse than the shrieking shack."

"Yeah I guess I didn't need to worry about that bed," Remus agreed, kicking at a broken piece of antique furniture. "Sirius, these wards…"

"Are more than strong enough to handle a cute widdle werewolf such as yourself. Now make yourselves comfortable while I track down some supplies," he ordered before striding out of the room, shaggy hair swinging.

Lily shoved aside a piece of couch and what looked like an old globe before coming to stand in the middle of the ruined room. "This chandelier is going to need to come down ASAP," she commented, beginning her typical to-do list. "These bed posts could be taken out – "

"How did you know where we were?"

James' quiet question made Lily freeze, then frantically shove debris out of the way. "I don't, um, know – "

She tried to ignore James stalking closer and closer until he stood right behind her, sending shivers down her spine with his damn intoxicating presence. Whirling, she brandished the broken chair leg she'd picked up. "I can't tell you."

"Tell me."

Panic rose in her throat, higher and higher as memories she'd tried to repress from the moment they'd walked through the door of this cursed place finally overtook her. "I _can't_ , James."

" _Tell me._ For once in your damn life, tell me something! Anything!"

Maybe it was the righteous fury lighting his eyes, or the pain and accusation plain on his face, but it was certainly the fact that he was _alive_ and that she was _alive_ and that she was so fucking _tired_ of keeping secrets.

Hugging herself, she took a few steps back and stared at the mess around her – anywhere, to avoid looking at him. "That night, someone interrupted our little powwow when I told Voldey where he could take his offer of employment and shove it, I might add."

Remus gave a wan smile, but kept his eyes on the antique clock. T-minus 10.

James nodded impatiently. "And? Wasn't it Regulus who - ?"

"He did, but I wouldn't have left just because he threatened you. We were – we _are_ – in a war. Even watching you all die, I was plotting, thinking of some way I could alert you or do anything other than run away like a fucking coward." She rubbed the heels of her hands into her eyes, as if she could rub away that horrific night.

"Some woman showed up. Another death eater. She whispered in Voldemort's ear and I was body-bound and carried along like luggage, which is why I remember the neighborhood."

Still avoiding James' burning eyes, she glanced out the window only to be met with a glimpse of the very full moon. _Would it be better to tell him now, so he has all night to stew about it? Or will it distract him while he has his hands full dealing with Remus?_

The seconds ticked by toward transformation, both physical and relational. What would he do? Would he hate her? Would he judge her? Most importantly… would he love her? Her wild thoughts became a reverberating mess in her head, the impossible mess she was about to drop on him at the center.

Pain lacerated every part of her being as she thought about the child that she still wanted - despite herself, despite everything. She swallowed thickly, lips trembling. _Keep it together, Lils._ This fucking mess that had been keeping them apart for so long. Was she doing the right thing? Tears already springing to her eyes, she took a breath. "There was a – "

"REMUS!"

Sirius' shout jarred the two of them out of their intense moment as he barreled into the room. Lily blinked before looking at the clock. "Shit, shit!"

Remus had retreated into a corner, oblivious to anything except the coming pain.

"Get out of here!" James pushed her toward the door with ferocious orders to "stay the fuck downstairs and run like hell if any of us come out before daylight."

She got to the threshold and hesitated, well aware that this might be the last time she ever saw him again.

"James…" _I love you. Always have._

" _Go_ , Lils."

"Stay safe," she called lamely before turning toward the stairs, rubbing her tattoo like a good luck charm.

"Evans!"

Raising her hands reflexively, she whirled around just in time to catch the wand he'd tossed at her. His eyes bore into her, right past the shields and barriers she'd taken four years to build.

"We'll talk in the morning." It was more of a threat than a promise, but it was something.

"We'll talk in the morning," she repeated, before the heavy door swung shut in her face with a painfully final thud. Lily rested her head on it for a brief moment. _Please let us talk in the morning._

 _4 Years Ago, 9:03am_

"You're late." Petunia didn't look away from her floral preparations in the Evans' backyard as she heard the gate opening and Lily's weak greeting. "Also, I have a date for you, a proper one. So if you invited any of your freaky-"

A very male, and somehow very indignant, cough interrupted her sisterly scolding. Slowly, very slowly, Petunia turned before giving a little scream.

Lily's pale face, covered in scrapes and bruises stared back at her. Her massive black-eye was just getting into the bluish-purple phase, and the swelling wasn't going down. She was leaning heavily against James, who had a bandage around the arm that wasn't wrapped about Lily. The tangled mass of red wound hastily on her head somehow (just barely) formed a something that stretched the definition of "messy bun." A "my books don't lie" t-shirt smudged with mud and torn jeans completed the look. Remus hung hesitantly behind, carrying the dress bag over his own bandaged arm. The giant motorcycle on the curb didn't help things, complete with a leather-clad Sirius grinning maniacally.

All Petunia could do was scream again, producing a beleaguered "What now, Tuney?" from somewhere inside the house.

James snorted and gave his weirdly silent girlfriend a little push. "Yeah, we need a room."

More silence as Petunia stared at the group, dumbfounded.

Finally Lily seemed to find her voice. "I'm so sorry, Tuney. We'll be as good as new in an hour."

Petunia's face screwed into a grimace as she hissed, "You'd better be. You are _not_ ruining my wedding with your hocus pocus."

"Hey-" James began to protest, only to be restrained by Lily.

"It's fine. Everything will be fine," she assured her sister tiredly. "We'll just get cleaned up-"

It was the weird head-tilt that gave James a hint of what was to come. Head rearing back, eyes closed momentarily, Petunia held out a hand. " _Excuse_ me? Did you really think I'd let some sort of freaks into my wedding day, the day that I've been dreaming about since I was born?" She gave a scoff, clearly missing the sudden pissed-off waves emanating from Lily. "Absolutely not. They need to leave."

It was James who had to restrain Lily now, as she pushed away from him and got right in her sister's face.

"I've taken a lot of crap from you, Petunia. You can call me names, you can ignore me when I'm talking to you, and I'll take it because you're my sister. But you _cannot_ call my friends freaks." She jabbed a finger toward the gauze-covered archway behind them. "Do I walk right up to Vernon and call him a rude bore? No, I don't! Because for _some godforsaken reason_ you're going to marry him!"

Petunia gasped sharply as she took a few steps back, hand to her throat. "Well, I never-"

"What if I marry James?" Lily, clearly on a roll, ignored her sister. James ducked out of the way of her dangerous pointed finger while trying unsuccessfully not to grin. "Hmm? And now you've called him a freak to his face."

Her words gave him hope, because honestly up until that moment he'd been worried.

James still couldn't believe that their normal monthly walk in the woods (god how he wished that wasn't just a euphemism) had been interrupted by _Lily_ of all people, appearing directly in Remus' path. The funny thing was, before they left he'd been contemplating just coming out with it and telling her – Remus had given him permission ages ago – but like always, he chickened out. He could never find the right words or the right time. The longer he waited, the more awkward it became because now it was like he was keeping this major secret about himself for no earthly reason. Well, he reflected bitterly, she sure as hell knew now.

Thank god she'd reacted in time, and except for that whole bit about _throwing herself in front of a fucking werewolf_ , she'd been pretty bloody brilliant. They hadn't even had time to speak about the whole thing because Lily was so worried about getting to her bitchy sister's wedding on-time.

As the two sisters argued, James' mind wandered to that morning in the hospital wing.

They'd gotten back to castle as fast as they could after Remus transformed back, James carrying Lily and Sirius helping along Remus, who was always disoriented and in pain afterwards. Peter hovered anxiously back and forth, offering useless suggestions. It had been an hour since they'd stumbled in and Pomfrey had whisked Lily right away into the procedure room. Sirius was lounging on the floor next to Remus' cot, feet stretched toward the aisle and hands behind his head. Rocking anxiously on the edge of the neighboring cot sat Peter, while James had managed to awkwardly stuff himself into the space between another cot and a small table, lanky knees to chest.

Currently, they were staring up at Professor McGonagall from their various perches. She'd received Lily's request for help too late, and James darkly wondered if the message had been purposefully postponed. After what happened… anything was possible.

"You knew this whole time?"

"For _how_ long?

"Since the beginning, of course." Her smile couldn't have been more "cat got the cream" and it was beginning to irritate James.

"If only we knew you were a supporter," Sirius mourned, "Maybe figuring out the spell wouldn't have taken forever!"

"But now we can say that we did it without help," James pointed out, slightly stiff.

Professor McGonagall inclined her head. "Very true, Mr. Potter. I am impressed that the four of you managed to do what many adults never achieve. And with the very best of intentions," she added, looking at Remus.

James breathed through his nose at the thought of the damage-control he'd have to do with his friend later. Remus guilted himself so damn much, every single month. He'd thank them a nauseating amount of times. The "morning after" he could barely look his best friends in the eyes.

Unaware of his grim thoughts, McGonagall continued. "Despite the illegality of the situation," she paused here, looking at each of them sharply, "Headmaster Dumbledore has assured me that we need to make exceptions in order to manage Mr. Lupin's condition."

Remus glanced away, head bowed. Even more annoyed at the well-meaning professor, James stood and stretched. Anyone besides the four of them, that had poured their blood, sweat, and tears into "managing" his "condition," had no business talking to them about the "illegality" of it all. When she had a best friend who had to deal with a fucking painful transformation and the very real possibility that he might murder someone without knowing it, _every single month_ … then she could say something. Until then… James was an unregistered animungus despite having a father at the Ministry and he couldn't care less.

Last night hadn't been as damaging as usual for James' lycanthrope friend, and for the first time in several months he was actually sitting up and cognizant after a night in the woods. Often James and Sirius had to do serious damage in order to stop him from going where he shouldn't, or from hurting someone he shouldn't. Last night, well… James stopped his thoughts immediately. He _could not_ think about how one of his best friends had come horrifically, terrifyingly close to murdering his girlfriend.

"Has Pomfrey said anything about Lily?" he asked, eager to stop talking about this and even more eager to know what was happening with Lily.

He caught their normally-stern professor's eyes softening just the slightest bit at him referring to Evans by her first name. Sometimes, during his insane quest to ask Lily out, he could have sworn that McGonagall was cheering for him. When they'd walked into her class hand-in-hand at the beginning of that year, she had given him and Lily a rare, broad smile.

"She said that Ms. Evans will look somewhat worse for the wear, but she'll be fine." Her eyes flickered to Remus before continuing, "I can't reveal the extent of her injuries to another student, of course, but she'll certainly need to be careful for a few days. Bed rest today, certainly."

As McGongall excused herself and strode away, the four of them began to look at each other in panic.

"She's going to kill me," James contemplated in a matter-of-fact voice, already thinking of ways he could potentially prop her up during the walk down the aisle.

" _Petunia's_ going to kill you," Sirius corrected, grinning. "Either way, this wedding is shaping up to be way more interesting than expected. Count me in!"

Peter made a face. "But I wanted to stay in today," he whined.

"Suit yourself," Sirius shrugged, "but you're missing out. The rest of us are going."

James was too busy continuing to panic to notice the way Peter shut down after that comment. He hung about for a bit more before heading off to "get some fucking sleep."

"Do you lot know any spells for making someone float very naturally-" he was cut off as a door opened, and a very battered-looking Lily limped out to the consternation of a very irritated Madame Pomfrey.

"Ms. Evans, I _highly_ suggest-"

"I hear you, I do. But I'm fine. It was just a few ribs- they'll heal. My arm bones are as good as new, thanks your amazing skills. I'm not longer internally bleeding, and…" she did a little hop which ended in an awkward stumble, "My leg is no longer bro…"

Eyes widening at the sight of Remus' pale face and James' only _slightly_ tortured-looking, carefully blank one, Lily cut herself off immediately and turned to face Madame Pomfrey. "Look at these three strapping young fellows," she said, obviously trying to be overly cheerful. "They're more than capable of helping me to Gryffindor Tower, and then Petunia's wedding. I'm a bridesmaid, we're supposed to be pampered, it will be the _most_ relaxing day," Lily assured the healer confidently in a complete and utter lie.

Pomfrey put her hands on her hips and pinned them all with a ferocious glare before throwing her hands in the air. "I still advise against this, but do what you will. I wash my hands of the situation."

And, two hours and many awkward silences later, here they were. In Lily's childhood home, ready for what was sure to be the Worst Wedding of the Century. What could go wrong?


End file.
